You Are My Light In Darkness
by Typhoon73
Summary: Jane and Maura are a couple as the unthinkable happens and shatters their world. This story's going to be a little dark but not graphical. Give it a shot if you want to. This is NO Maura/Rape Story!
1. Chapter 1

**Prologue**

Jane Rizzoli was standing in the bathroom and stared at her reflection in the mirror. She barely recognized herself. She had almost black rings under her eyes and it seemed like she lost even more weight during the last couple of weeks. She was quite aware of the fact that she needed a good sleep and some meals that had been cooked by her mother, but she couldn't find the strength to face overbearing Angela Rizzoli, and she couldn't guarantee that she wouldn't rip her mother's head off even though she knew that Angela only meant it well. And she also knew that the matriarch had been just as worried as she had been when they got the news.

She also knew herself and that she'd try to defense herself and her decisions, even though Angela wouldn't question her any seconds, but the detective felt like she had to every time the older woman looked at her. And at the end, she'd end up yelling at her mother, though Angela was the last one she wanted to blame for anything. She had no reason to, the only one who deserved to be blamed was herself. That's what she was thinking.

Only a single call would have let her know that something was wrong, only taking a break and going downstairs would have alarmed her. Even a simple text message would've yelled at her to run downstairs because so many things had been off. Instead, she decided to follow a wrong lead and to not listening to the voices in her head.

She closed her eyes and took a sharp breath. The only one she was going to blame was herself. She had hoped that everyone would do the same, blaming her for not being quick enough, for not being smart enough. For letting everyone down.

She still saw his face and it made her sick that his smile burned into her mind, and into her heart. She felt anger rising and clenched her jaw, and fists. She had to fight the urge to slam her left one into the mirror and risking it to shatter, or any damage to her hand, that was something she didn't need at all.

She counted to ten while nodding to herself like she was trying to encourage herself to face what she almost lost, or did lose. She wasn't sure of that yet.

Jane opened her eyes again and stared once more into the mirror before she swallowed the lump in her throat and turned to leave the room. She quietly closed the door behind her and the sight in front of her broke her heart even more when she saw the picture in front of her. She decided not to say a word as she made it to the king-sized bed. The bedroom was illuminated by the soft light of the two bedside lamps and gave the impression of friendliness and comfort. Currently a fallacy.

The back of the woman, who was laying under the sheet, was turned to her and told Jane that she was indeed breathing by moving softly up and down. She wasn't sure if the other woman was still awake, and she didn't want to straddle her by touching her or calling out her name when she slipped underneath the sheet on her very own side of the bed. She had learned that she needed to give the other woman time, and that it would be irresponsible to press for information what had happened to her. Or in the worst case, that the woman would cloister herself once and for all, so she gave her all the time she needed instead of loosing her permanently.

Janeskidded a little closer and dared to place her left hand on the other woman's shoulder just to feel how she went ridge immediately. She wanted to squeeze her shoulder but didn't do so. Instead, she rested the hand on said shoulder. "Maura," she whispered hoarsely.

Dr. Maura Isles, the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, and Jane's best friend, her confident, and her domestic partner, simply shrugged the hand off but didn't look at the Italian. "Don't touch me, Jane."

Jane stared at the back of the doctor's head and furrowed her eyebrows because she was about to place her hand back on Maura's shoulder, dropping it back onto the mattresse. She clenched her jaw and swallowed hard. Being hated by her family or coworkers, or even herself is something she'd handle, but being hated by Maura was killing her slowly and painfully. It was a feeling she never wanted to feel. Like someone was slowly dragging a knife into her heart. Once, twice, thrice. And the more they did it, the slower she died.

A tear was rolling down Jane's cheek and she took her distance again. "I'm so sorry, Maura." She croaked before she turned her nightstand lamp off.

Maura was stating at the wall without blinking and she felt awful for treatening Jane the way she did, but only laying close to someone else in the bed was a huge step for her. She didn't blame Jane for what have happened to her, or Frankie, Korsak and Nina. She knew that they did their very best they could, and that Jane probably was punishing herself more than necessary. She wished she could tell that the Italian, but her mind didn't let her. For now!

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 **Hey, guys. This idea didn't let me go and because Fast Lane - End of the Line and Until My Dying Breath are almost done, ad gave up on A Single Decision, I've started this. The prologue isn't quite good, but I know where I want to go with this story. This one will be a little dark.**

 **I won't write some parts too graphical because even I don't like such thing, but I hope you'll get the meaning. And the past I'll write in italic and perhaps in Jane's PoV, but I'll let you know.**

 **Oh, I forgot. Further chapters will be longer!**

 **Anyway, I hope you like the start.**

 **T73**


	2. Chapter 2

**I AM SO, SO SORRY FOR THE DELAY!**

 **I said that I'll update this story frequently and yet I didn't. But life went crazy and I think that you understand that I didn't feel the need to write when feeling maxed out.**

 **From now on, I'll try to update this story weekly!**

 **However, hope that you'll like this update, and you're more than welcome to tell me what you think.**

 **Oh, and thank you for following and for the favourites.**

 **Enjoy,**

 **T73.**

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This morning, it is even harder to drag myself out of bed and down the stairs. I'm not quite sure why, but it feels like a heavy burden is still weighting on my shoulders, not to mention my heart. Perhaps it's because that my girlfriend didn't have the intention to face me for only once during her sleep, or when the alarm went off. It's not like I don't know that PTSD can be a bitch, on the contrary, I'm a pro when it comes to that, and I can't imagine what Maura had to go through. Normally, she'd tell me about her fears, her nightmares, and that she's closing up even to my mother worries me very much. Ma has been her safe harbor after Phil Harris abducted her, even though Ma had to give her a little push. Don't get me wrong, my mother did NOT tell me anything she and Maura had shared, but she told me that Maura had opened up to her and entrusted things she even didn't tell her therapist. And believe me, I am sure that Ma was dying to tell me what they've been sharing, but she never lost a word. Which surprised me.

While I drag myself down the stairs I can feel that the little sleep hasn't been close enough to recover from the last months of Maura tossing and turning and to wake with a start. Somehow, after she told me not to touch her last night, and I did meet her wish, it appeared like she had fallen into a peaceful slumber. I should have known that I was wrong. It took me a hell of a time until I reached that state of mind after Hoyt had gone after me three times. And still, he's haunting me at some nights even though I know that he won't hurt anyone anymore, I made sure of that once and for all by stabbing him to death. But Maura's fiend in human shape is still alive, sitting in a prison cell and hatching his next plot, and he won't see the sunlight anymore. I am one hundred percent sure about that.

While I walk tiredly in the direction of the kitchen and try to banish the unbearable pictures from my mind. Pictures of the abandoned butchery, pictures of the dried blood where it shouldn't have been and of the basement in which Maura has been held captive for far too long. I still can't explain why it took us so long to find her. And I don't blame her that she's taxing me with failing her. Hell, even I do that since she got abducted. I mean, it already bothered me that Joe Harris had been able to fool us all and that he took her away from me just because he had been manipulated by a psychopath. He probably believed every single lie Alice Sands had told him. No, I'm beyond sure about that. She was some malipulating bitch. In Maura's case, it was different, it felt different. Me and my team did everything when Harris kidnapped her, so did we the second time. I -

"You look tired, Jane." My mother's voice brings me back to reality and I jump, placing my hand over my racing heart.

"Jesus, Ma!" I hiss harshly and fuel my brows. Why did I not notice her? Does she have some kind of ninja skills, or have I had been so deep in thoughts? Probably both. I mean, I can't count anymore how many times Ma walked in on us when Maura were about to get it on. To be fair, we've been on the couch when she caught us. I think that this scared Ma more than Maura and me. One morning, after it happened again, my mother asked us if we'd be aware of the fact that this house has more than just one bedroom, and that she won't help Maura with cleaning up the house if we don't take our **togetherness** up to our bedroom.

However, I'm sure that she haven't had the intention to startle me, I can see it in her worried eyes.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," she replies and starts to pour a cup of coffee, and I feel bad immediately.

I smile at here and shrug like this never had happened. "Don't apologize for this, Ma. I know that you didn't mean to scare the shit out of me." My smile drops and I need a second before I continue. "It's just -"

Ma nods slowly and avoids eye contact. "How is she doing?" She now looks at me. "How are **you** doing?"

A heavy sigh escapes from my lungs and I roll the mug between my hands. How am I supposed tell my mother that things seem to break apart? How am I supposed to tell my mother that we're about to drift apart? I know that my mother loves Maura and that she was worried sick when Maura has been abducted once more. Hell, I even didn't tell Ma that this happened thrice. I mean Paddy Doyl, if you know what I mean. I know, he didn't do it to harm Maura, but in my eyes it is still abduction. However, already once is one time too much. I look down at the steaming beverage and nod to myself. "She's doing okay, Maura will be fine again. And I am doing okay, too." I know she sees through me because she opens her mouth to protest, but she doesn't because all of a sudden we hear footsteps approaching us.

I turn my head and cant help the surprised look on my face when I see Maura entering the kitchen. Normally, she sneaks in when no one is around, most of her time she's spending her time in her God damn study. I smile at her and nearly jump to my feet. "Hey there. Good morning."

Surprisingly, Maura smiles back at me and my heart jumps at that sight. It's been way too long she looked at me without the slightest hint of reproach. "Good morning to you, too."

I have to use all of my willpower not to flinch as soon as I feel her hand on my back. What the hell? Does that mean that we start to go back to our routine. Which means a lot of eye contact and touching as much as possible without any ulterior motives? Okay, perhaps some ulterior motives, innocent ones. I don't care right now, all that matters to me is that Maura is seeking contact with me, that has to mean something.

God, how I missed her hand on my back, her lips on mine or my skin. How I miss her hands roaming over my - Okay, I have to stop that train of thoughts right there, otherwise I'll explore. I clear my throat and feel my cheeks reddening when Maura looks at me. I lower my eyebrows when she smirks lightly and somehow, in that moment, our once usual banter has been revived for a second and it warms me, and it warms my heart. I already started to believe that she and I are over and done, but this moment gives me hope again and the voice in the back of my mind tells me not to give up just yet. I mean, there are a dozen of times Maura didn't give up on me easily, neither while I give up on her without fighting. And let's be honest, there isn't a couple who isn't struggling at some point. And we, no, she went something awful, I don't mind it that she's blaming me for it even though Ma always tries to convince me that it wasn't my fault. I still turn a deaf ear to her when it comes to that topic. I still ask myself if it would have end that way if I'd have been faster, if my mind's would've worked quicker, if I'd drew connections faster. Well, we'll never know.

Ma places two plates with scrambled eggs and bacon in front of Maura and me and braces herself on the counter. "When are you going back to work?" She asks bluntly and I roll my eyes at her. "What? We all know that work is good for you, for both of you."

"Ma!" I groan.

"What? God knows I'm speaking the truth. Someone would have to break both of your legs to keep you away from headquarters, I'm talking about either of you. And even then, you'd have been crawling to BPD just to bring justice. What's keeping you know?"

I know that my mother means well, and that she didn't mean to sound angry or reproachful, but that's how it feels like. I briefly glance at Maura and see the painful look and my anger is raising. "Mom, stop right there." I say warningly even though I know she's right. I can understand that Maura needs a break after all, and I took one so I'd be there for her when she needs me. I couldn't have known that she'd hold me in contempt. But it's true, we both live for our work, Maura and me. But when I realized that Maura struggled to go back to the morgue, I thought I'd have to show some kind of solidarity with her and took a leave of absence. I wanted to show sympathy, I wanted her to know that we're in this together and that I won't go anywhere. Well, I wasn't expecting her reaction. I thought she'd be thankful for this, instead, we ended up in a fight because she didn't want to be the reason I'm quitting.

Let's be clear, I said, I am not quitting, I want to be there for you.

I'm still not sure if she heard me.

Maura is silent for a second before she grabs her plate. "I'd like to eat alone."

I knew that this would be her reaction but still furrow my eyebrows. "Maura -" She looks at me and tries to convince with the poor attempt to smile that she's fine. Nonetheless, her eyes are cold and I shut my mouth again, and she turns to leave without another word. I close my eyes and heave a sigh.

"I'm sorry, Jane." I hear my mother say and I once again look at her. "I didn't mean to make her feel uncomfortable."

I do know that and I am not mad at her, saying, "I don't think that it was you who made her feel uncomfortable, Ma." Before I have the chance to protest, I find myself in the arms of Ma and she nearly squeezes me to death, but I don't mind it and hug her back. Somehow, I cave for that action, to feel loved again. I mean, I know that Maura still loves me. Otherwise, I wouldn't be in this house anymore, but I am still human. I need to feel affection, even though I wouldn't say that out loud. I mean, I am Homicide Detective Jane Rizzoli, I am badass. In reality, I am a softy. Especially when it comes to the ones I love.

"Everything's gonna be okay, Jane," Ma whispers and kiss my head.

"I am not so sure about that," I reply hoarsely and feel my eyes watering. Jesus, it's not like Maura's the first woman I am with, but never have I been head over heels in love with someone like I am with Maura. It feels like she's my elixir vitae. Sometimes I wish her away and in the same time I know that I can't live without her.

Man sighs and nods against my head. "I know that everything's gonna be okay. Maura just needs time, honey."

Time, that I can give her, even though I am not know for my patience. But I rather die of impatience then of a broken heart.

I nod and we stay a little longer in that position. As I said, I am only human. I need the feeling of being loved, being wanted.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey, guys. I'm so so sorry for the delay. I really tried to update sooner but life went totally nuts. I hope you're still sticking with this story. And I hope that this chapter answer some of your questions, and that you'll like it.**

 **And I have to apologize for the mistakes I've made in the previous chapter.**

 **And as always you're welcome to tell me what you think.**

 **Enjoy,**

 **T73.**

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 **Maura tossed and turned so she'd lie more comfortably. Her skin was sweaty and her ribs hurt. The stifling air in the room made it hard to breathe. She felt for the nightstand in the dark pressed the switch - and nothing happened.**

 _ **Damn it**_ **, she thought to herself and sighed. She hated it to wake up in the dark, and usually provided a source of light. Her eyes got slowly used to the dark. Blinking, she turned her head to left side of the bed only to find it empty. Apparently her girlfriend had decided to spend the night with either family or friends.**

 **She tried to get out of the bed and paused as a seating pain shot into her belly. She placed her hand on her belly like she could prevent the pain from spreading. Something warm and sticky moistened her shirt. Carefully she pulled the Hem of the shirt up and recognized it in spite of darkness. She shivered and became sick. A deep cut ran from below of her left breast down the abdomen. The blood moistened her shirt and dripped onto the white sheet. Maura jumped up, covered the wound and pressed the shirt on it to stop the bleeding. She had to call 911 immediately.**

 _ **Where the heck is my phone? How could this happen**_ **?**

 **During her search, she bumped into a bookshelf and books felt to the ground. Then she heard an whimper. She paused and held her breath. Her pulse was already racing.** _ **Calm. I have to stay calm.**_

 **Slowly she walked down the stairs and listened again, tilting her head. Her searching glance wandered over the small table behind the back of her couch, over the living room table and the shelves. The whimpering grew louder, a high cry, as of a wounded animal. Or was it a trick? Maura moved slowly towards the kitchen, her still wandering around. Now she also perceived an all too familiar smell. The closer she came to the kitchen, the heavier became the smell. The smell of blood. It stung her nose and lungs. Slightly bent she walked through the door. Though warned by the smell, she was terrified. A wall of the moonlit kitchen was sprinkled with blood, and a blood pool was on the hardwood floor. Everywhere was blood on the work surface, and it dripped down the kitchen utensils. Taylor O'Keefe was standing at the end of the room. A tall, slender figure leaning over a whining kneeling woman. Maura shivered once more.**

 _ **How the heck did he get into my house?**_

 **O'Keefe tore the woman's head back by the hair and held a knife to her throat. Maura suppressed another gasp. He hadn't noticed her yet, and she pressed herself against the wall.** _ **Calm! You have to stay calm,**_ **she** **told herself like a mantra. She had prepared herself for this moment, had feared and dreamt of it for months. Now was not the time to panic and to lose nerves.**

 **Suddenly she realized that something gave her away. When she looked up, the woman reached out for her pleadingly. But Maura looked past her, into the eyes of Taylor O'Keefe. He smiled. And in one smooth motion he cut the woman's throat.**

"No!"

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I have noticed that Maura's having another hard night because she was tossing and turning, but I didn't have the heart to wake her, she desperately needed some good night sleep, or that's what I was hoping she'd get. But as soon as she woke with that heart-wrenching scream, I was up immediately and had my arms around her to give her the feeling of being safe. I have to admit it, this small woman is stronger than I thought. Why I'm saying this? Because I'm struggling to keep her my arms. She's fighting me hard, and it breaks my heart but I won't let her go until she comes out of this awful dream she's having right now. And later she has enough time to continue hating me. I know how she's feeling right now, like she's losing an neverending battle. Like Taylor O'Keefe won't let her go for the rest of her life. He got into her head, and she's hating herself for that, she's blaming herself for it. I know it because I've been at the same dark lonely place she's right now, and I admit it, in those dark hours I would have been beyond grateful when someone would've been with me when I had those nightmares myself. Of course, after Maura and I became friends, she was the one who calmed me down in the middle of the night. When I woke up screaming. And now I'm going to do the same for her, and I will continue doing this even though we ... won't work out. When I realized that I have deeper feelings for Maura, that I'm love with this smart little woman, I tried to walk away from her. I tried to push those feelings into a small box and lock them away. I tried to keep our relationship professional, and almost quit our friendship. But you know Maura, she doesn't give up so easily. Sometimes she's even worse than a dog with his bone. She's stubborn and uses to get to the bottom of things. So she kept pushing and pushing me until I yelled at her to get lost.

Honestly, I am not proud of it, but I am not a person who talks easily about feeling, I never was. My outburst back then to snarled our relationship even more and we didn't talk to each other for more than two weeks. But I couldn't keep it up that way and tried to ask everyone how Maura was doing, but no one really answered. Even my mother kept her mouth shut. She said to me, _Jane, if you like to know how Maura's doing, get into your car, drive to her house and ask her yourself._

That really mystified me. But I did as I was told and drive straight to Maura's house. It was quite late and I was sure that she was already in bed, reading one of her crazy books or medical magazines. Normally, I would have let myself in with my key, but that night it felt just wrong, so I rang the doorbell with sweaty hands. I still remember how my heart was pounding in my chest and that I stopped breathing as Maura opened the front door. She was wearing one of her fancy silky pajamas but I can tell you that I've never seen a woman who looked as stunning as Maura in something like that. She was confused why I used the bell instead of my keys, but I stopped her upcoming question by pressing my lips on hers. I haven't said a word nor had I blamed on kissing her right on the threshold, but I couldn't hold my feelings at bay anymore. Firstly, Maura went ridge in my arms but in the next moment she kissed me back was the best night in my life. And since that night, I haven't left her side anymore.

And now here we are. Maura trying to push me out of her life but I won't go anywhere. That's what I told her the day we'd figured out what we are since that night. I told her that I'll be at her side, no matter what, and I stay true to my word. For better or worse, right?

I can feel that her body starts shaking and I know that she's awake now. I close my eyes when she's clinging to my shirt. "He won't come for you anymore, Maura. You're safe now." I whisper into her hair and her crying becomes heavier.

Over eight months have passed since Taylor O'Keefe lured into a trap in an abandoned slaughterhouse in Back Bay. Before that, we'd been pursuing him for almost a year, studying hid MO, and his behavior, and Maura was the one who performed the autopsies of his victims that he'd left behind, deciphering the bizzare ambiguities he was playing with us. On one August day, he had lured her to said slaughterhouse and made her watch. He didn't want to kill her, Maura just had to watch.

Since then, Maura wasn't the same anymore. I can understand it, though. I thought that Hoyt was a monster, a sadistic monster. He played his mind games with me, and I'm sure he'd have take his time with Maura in that damn prison hospital if I wouldn't have got my shit together. But he never had the intention to keep me alive for a week to watch him torturing his victims before killing them. Those are facts Korsak, Frankie, Nina, Kent and I figured out but none of us know what actually happened in said slaughterhouse. No one but Maura and O'Keefe. I don't know why it took us so long to find Maura. Well to be fair, O'Keefe is a very cagey person. Everytime we thought we'd be close to Maura, he set us on a wrong track. I'll be honest, after Maura being missing for more than forty-eight hours, I was at the point when I cotton to thought that the only way I'd get Maura back was in a body bag. I know it sounds awful but somehow you reach the point when those thoughts start to cross your mind and it makes you feel useless and desperate. But that doesn't mean that you give up because you want to get your loved one back home, no matter what.

The day Cavanaugh stopped at my desk I could see that whatever he was about to say, it wasn't good. O'Keefe's lawyer had talked to the DA and offered information about victims the law enforcement haven't know of til then. O'Keefe was willing to tell us where said bodies have been buried under the condition that Maura would interview him. I can tell you, if Frankie and Korsak wouldn't have been in the bullpen that moment I'd have been arrested for slaughtering my Lieutenant. They had to use all of their strength to hold me back. Somehow, Cavanaugh understood, yet he had to punish me for going after him. He left the choice to me: either suspension or taking a leave.

I took the leave, even though I've never been so close to handing in my gun and badge. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but I love Maura and my family more!

I furrow my brows when hazel eyes meet mine and tuck a strand of hair behind Maura's ear. My heart breaks when I look down into a broken soul.

Maura's tracing my jaw with her fingers and I have to suppress the urge to smile or to clench my jaw. "I hope you know that I love you," she whispers hoarsely.

I sigh and nod my head. "Yes, I know. And I love you."

"And in the same time I also hate you."

I have to swallow hard and ignore my clenching heart because those words are true, I can see it and I can understand her hate for me. I hate myself for needing so much time before finding her. I lay still as she suddenly straddles my lap and my heart begins to race. What the hell is happening right now? First won't even look at me for days and now we're having ... doing what? I want to protest but my vocal cords won't obey as she pulls her shirt over her head, my brain won't obey either. I let my eyes roam over her absolute perfect torso and place my hands on her hips, but then worries start to raise within me when I feel her body becoming ridge. "Maura, did I ... Did I hurt you?"

She doesn't say a word and shakes her head.

I know I'm gonna hate myself but I have to say it so she knows that I'm not pushing her. "We don't have to, Maura." Okay, my body says otherwise but hey I can take care of myself in the shower. If she's not ready that's more than fine.

She stares down at me and leans down. "Jane, would you please take the pain away from me for tonight?" She whispers against and I have to swallow hard again.

I know that I'll regret this in the morning but how can I turn her plea down? And I have needs too. I know it sounds selfish, but pretending like everything's back to normal again for one night won't hurt, right?

I nod and moan when she slips her hands under my shirt and drags her nails over my abdomen, finally kissing me.

Damn it, I'm so screwed!


	4. Chapter 4

**So, this is the next chapter! Woohoo!**

 **Thank you for the reviews and likes. I hope that this gives even more answers. I thought that this would be mainly Jane's POV but in this chapter I thought that more Maura would be nice, and perhaps easier to understand. Maybe it'll be confusing.**

 **Anyway, you're welcome to tell me what you think.**

 **Enjoy,**

 **T73.**

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 _Nicole Medina was wishing she'd wear different shoes right now. Those she was wearing hurt, and the heels had been too high. As she walked along the path, pretending to ignore the road menders, she focused not to stumble. She hated this kind of attention and prepared herself for a upcoming whistle. The devotional silence in this district would have made such whistle even more filthy. The whole thing was ridiculous. Her silky blouse stuck to her and her hair was sweaty. She was was not stunning beauty. At best she has a passable body, for which she regularly tortured herself in the gym and suppressed the need for a cheeseburger. She was anything but a 'Palyboy-beauty'. So whydid she suddenly feel like she's naked, even though she wore a conservative trousers suit? This was not the fault of the workers. Not even her looks bothered her that much, but her own reflex, to present herself to them. She had adopted this annoying habit from her checkered past. It seemed to stick with her like the smoke of cigarettes and the smell of whiskey. The memory of Elvis playing in the jukebox, followed by cheap hotel rooms, was still very lively. But that was a long time ago, way too long, to hurt her now. After all, she now was a very successful security officer. Why did her past have such an influence on her current live? Why could a few indiscreet looks of men, whom she did not know at all, make her disconcerted that she feared for her heard-earned reputation? It was simple, because the looks gave her the feeling of being a fraudster, pretending to be someone she was not. When she reached the front door, she'd have liked to turn around and to run away. Instead she took a deep breath and knocked on the ajar door._

 _"Come in," a female voice shouted. Nicole found Jane standing in front of the blinking control panel of the newly installed alarm system. "Oh hi, Miss Medina. Is something wrong with the system?" Jane glanced only briefly at Nicole while coding the panel._

 _"Please just call me Nicole." She hesitantly waited whether Jane would made the same offer of confidential salutation or not, and wasn't surprised by the fact that it didn't happen. Jane Rizzoli was by no means impolite, but she appreciated a certain distance. Nicole understood and respected that. "No, the system works perfectly fine, I just wanted to make sure you're satisfied with your new alarm system."_

 _"It's perfect, I'm almost done with programming. Take a look around."_

 _Nicole strolled from the hallway to the living room. The sun came in, and all windows were open, so that the heated air was replaced by a cooling breeze. Nicole wiped her unpleasantly damp forehead and watched her costumer from the corner of her eye. Jane Rizzoli indeed was a woman who deserved admiring looks of men. Nicole knew that Jane was about her age, somewhere in her mid-thirties. But without the usual trousers suit you could think that she was in her mid-twenties. Dressed in a worn-out shirt of the BPD and a threadbare jeans shows her athletic body perfectly well. She had a natural beauty which couldn't be produced artificially. Her skin was smooth, and her long, curly black hair shine, though it was completely mussed. She had expressive dark brown eyes and high cheekbones of which Nicole was envied her. Nicole instinctively knew that the men outside wouldn't dare to look at Jane without the same embarrassment like they'd done with her. This woman really had something. Nicole already had noticed it at the first meeting, without being able to describe it. Perhaps it was because of the upright posture or her occasional ignoring of her surroundings. She seemed to be absolutely unaware of the effects she had on people. An attitude that asked for respect, no required respect. Despite designer clothes and expensive cars, Nicole would never have that superior attitude. Despite all the differences she immediately felt connected with Jane Rizzoli. They both seemed to hide something._

 _"I'm sorry," Jane said as she joined Nicole in the living room. 'I'm the ongoing chaos I wanted to be sure that the alarm system really works."_

 _"Of course."_

 _Jane was more than overcautiously when it came to the new system. At first Nicole had attributed this to her client's work. Police detectives of course would pay more attention to the security systems than normal clients. But then she had noticed Jane's familiar vulnerability, and she had involuntarily asked herself from what an independent self-confident police officer was trying to seal herself away._

 _Even as they were now standing side by side, Jane looked into the distance like she was trying to spot an unexpected intruder. Nicole's knowledge of Jane Rizzoli came from their common friend and Jane's colleague Kent. Kent had recommended her to Jane as a security, and because of him she knew about the troubled situation at their work. From Jane she only knew that a new alarm system was needed._

 _Nicole wondered if Jane's detachment was because of her profession that had impact on private life. However, the distance didn't bother her. Usually she experienced the exact opposite with clients. They confined to her like she was an confessor. The work of a security officer also had a little bit of a barmaid. Perhaps her checkered past hadn't been a bad preparation. She didn't take it personally that Jane Rizzoli didn't pour her heart. She could understand it very well. She didn't do it differently with the secrets of her life. "For how long are you living in Beacon Hill?"_

 _"For a little eternity." Jane glanced at the fireplace and sighed. "It starts to feel unreal."_

 _"What do you mean," Nicole asked but Jane didn't answer the question. Suddenly she wondered how Jane Rizzoli, a detective in the neighborhood o doctors, congressmen, and scholars was coping with their non-professional but very status-conscious wives. She remembered a jogger with her pure white Labrador, dressed in a designer jogging suit, expensive running shoes, perfectly styled and with no sweat on her forehead. And then there stood Detective Rizzoli dressed in a worn-out shirt, a worn-out jeans and gray Nikes which belonged in a trashcan. Nicole knew that asking the brunette was in vain but she couldn't help herself, she wanted to know what was bothering the taller woman. She was about to open her mouth but was interrupted by the buzzing sound of the phone that was laying on the coffee table. She took it and glanced at the display._

 _Nicole never has seen such a change of atmosphere. One moment Jane was distant but not impolite, and now she was authoritative and her eyes were hard._

 _"Sorry, work's calling," she said before she took the call._

 _"Of course," Nicole said and turned to leave. "Have a good day." She wasn't surprised didn't respond at all. She only heard a harsh 'Rizzoli' before she left the house again._

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"Thank you for meeting me," I sigh before I sit down at the table of a coffeehouse.

"You're welcome, Jane." Nina replies and is shoving a steaming cup to me. A huge stack of files is piling up in front of her and I immediately know that this can't mean anything good. Even though I'm on leave, Nina and Korsak are the one who keep me in the loop. I know I shouldn't do this, for Maura's sake. But for my own, I need to know with whom we've been dealing with. Who this sick son of a bitch really is and what he have done before he turned everyone's life upside-down. I also know that Cavanaugh won't be pleased if he finds out that I secretively still work on the O'Keefe case, neither will the Feds be but I don't give a damn.

For the record, I do respect the Bureau, but I also hate it when people like us do the donkey work and then they come and take a case away from us without a 'Thank you, good job', pretending that they did all of the hard work. Thank God I wasn't there when they stomped into the bullpen.

Nina's placing an hand on top of the stack and frowns deeply. "That's only the top of the iceberg, Jane. Interpol got in touch with the FBI."

My eyes grow big and my heart skips a beat. "You have to be kidding me." I hiss and am thankful for getting rid of this bastard. Jesus, who is this guy? The remake of Jack the Ripper? I mean, yes Taylor O'Keefe is a monster, but I haven't been aware that he was that kind of monster. I can see that Nina means it and I close my eyes, running an hand over my forehead. I really don't want to imagine what O'Keefe would have done to Maura if we wouldn't have got to her in time. I mean, if we'd needed another day or two. No, I won't go there. Otherwise, I won't be able to give Maura the space she needs so desperately. And that would make her hating me even more.

"That's what my contact told me." Nina continues and I can tell that she had the same train of thoughts when she got the news. "Taylor O'Keefe is wanted in Great Britain, Sweden, France, Germany, Netherlands and Denmark. For murderer."

"And how the hell did he get back into U.S?"

"Aliases."

"My God," I whisper and I know that the color drained from my face. "How many victims are we talking about?"

She looks down at the files and is silent for a moment. "Forty-three by now. But we think there are more."

I have to swallow hard or I'll throw up right here and right now, in front of Nina, and that won't happen. I won't show her again how weak I can be, even though she wouldn't mind it, she didn't mind it when Maura was missing, that's why she's such a good friend. After Frost died, I thought that I wouldn't feel that way for someone ever again, and that he and his kind person isn't replaceable. He isn't, he was one of my best friends, and when Nina joined our team I was skeptical about her. I thought that she'd try to play Frost's part by all means. It turned out that I was wrong. She took his job, but never tried to take his place at all. I take the file on top and open it after a waitress walked by. It's bad enough that Nina and I meet at a coffeehouse instead of the Dirty Robber, but neither of us want Ma to get involved. She doesn't need to see what this man did to his victims. And I don't see a use of being thrown out after traumatizing a poor waitress by seeing the gruesome photos of a crime scene. I furrow my brows and take in all the bloody details I can see on the picture. After night after night filled with nightmares, I figured out that Maura must have seen something she can't put in words. Or won't when we ask her. And after seeing the crime scenes myself, and on photos, I start to realize what Taylor O'Keefe made her watch, but I don't dare to ask Maura directly what happened. I did it once and she nearly killed me. Well, not literally but she didn't talk to me for three weeks after that. I don't need that again. And after last night I have the foolish idea that everything is okay again, even though my common sense knows better. It knows that last night's events only had been an distraction that either of us desperately needed.

I push the thought to the side and take a look at my watch. Damn it, already a quarter to eight. I'm sure Ma's already freaking out because I told her that I'll take a short walk not that I'll be gone for the entire afternoon.

"How's Maura holding up," Nina suddenly ask and stuffs the files into her bag. Seems like she has sensed that I'm about to leave.

I try to smile and furrow my eyebrows. "She's holding up as best as she can. I know that she'll be fine again, she just need more time."

"Tell her that I miss her, that all of us miss her."

"If I do that, you'll be very welcome on my funeral. Because if I tell that Maura she'll get to know that we're still working on the case and that would made her killing me."

Nina's scoffing and leads the way towards the entry. "Jane, Maura's traumatized, not stupid. Don't you think she already knows that all of us are still trying to figure out who Taylor O'Keefe really is?"

She has a point. Probably Maura's doing the exact same than we do. Trying to figure out who exactly Taylor O'Keefe is and what made him become a sadistic serial killer. The only difference is, Maura's doing it on her own. I smile at Nina and raise my hand. "Drive safely." I know that I dodged the question, but I don't have to answer it anyway.

"You too, Jane."

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It doesn't surprise Maura that Jane still hasn't returned from her **walk**. If she's honest Frankie had confessed one evening that he and his sister were still investigating without permission. At first she was furious, but her anger quickly disappeared again. _I'm doing the same_ , she thought back then.

Two hours ago, Maura was called by a good friend who had invited herself, and before the doctor had the chance to protest, her friend had hung up again.

Before Claire Salinas or the ordered pizza arrive, Maura's pouring herself a glass of red wine. She hadn't had any glass of it for a long time. Then her eyes fall on a brown box that is standing on the small desk. On the box is written #85666. The file number had been assigned to Taylor O'Keefe. Perhaps it was no coincidence that his file number ends with 666. She knows Cavanaugh would be upset if he'd know that she'd copied O'Keefe's official file. But these are her documents. They had chased O'Keefe for so long. She had looked at every crime scene where he had tortured and dismembered his victims, and had searched for fibres, hair, and missing organs, and for something that would help the detectives to catch O'Keefe. She has a right to have those files and considers them as a strange documentation of a part of her life. The door bell rings. Maura looks again at the clock. As usual, Claire shows up ten minutes late. She rolls her eyes and went to the door to open it.

"I know I'm late," Claire says, even though the door isn't fully open yet. "Traffic was hell. Closing time, and everyone's running out of town at weekend."

"It's nice to see you, too."

Claire puts an arm around her shoulders. For a moment Maura is amazed how soft and fragile the older woman feels. Although she feels so soft, she saw in Claire her tower of strength, and had followed her advices.

Clair moves back a little and looks at Maura, a hand on her cheek. "You look terrible," she says sympathetically.

"Thank you very much."

Claire smiles and hands Maura s six pack of beer and a bottle of wine.

Maura takes the drive ks and is using the opportunity to avoid the older woman's gaze. They haven't seen each other for months, although they talk to each other on the phone extensively. However, on the phone Claire can't see how she's worried by her fears for the last few months. "The pizza should be here any minute," she says, turning the alarm back on.

"Salami on my side."

"On mine more mushrooms."

"Thank you." Without waiting for an invitation, Claire looks around. "Where's your favorite detective?"

"Jane probably meets with Frankie and Sergeant Korsak." Maura's laughing when Claire quirks an eyebrow. She's asking herself how this woman is able to give everyone the feeling of energy, warmth and joy, no matter where she's going. She had met Claire during her residency in the forensic department in California. She had been a young, naive newbie, who had known blood only from test tubes and never had entered a crime scene.

Claire is a psychologist, who had been requested by Cavanaugh to help them with Taylor O'Keefe's profile. Back then, she lived in Washington, she still does. She owns an established pratice. Many of her patients belong to the elite of the city -bored wives of congressmen, suicidal generals and even a bipolar cabinet member of the White House. Especially Claire's researches, her many publications, and her remarkable insight into the psych of a perp, had inducted Cavanaugh to ask Claire to work as an independent consultant for the BPD. However, Maura quickly realized that Cavanaugh was also attracted by Dr. Claire Salinas in other aspects. One ought to been blind not to notice the chemistry between the two. However, Maura also knows that none of them would yield their feeling, or will do in the future. "We respect each other as colleagues", Claire once told her, making it clear that she didn't want to talk about the topic. At that time, her service as a consultant was finished already.

Maura had liked Claire from the beginning. Her energetic appearance, her shrap mind and her dry wit. Claire don't think in stereotypes and doesn't hesitate to break the rules, even though she respects authority. Maura already has witnessed how Claire lured diplomats and criminals into a trap with her cultivated and charming personality, and made them confess. Although Claire is fifteen years older, she immediately became the blonde's friend and mentor. And somehow the older woman reminds her of her girlfriend.

"I see you're thinking of a special someone," Claire suddenly says and Maura's blushing a little. The older woman chuckles. "It's okay, Maura. Are you finally talking to Jane again, or are you still punishing her with silence?"

Maura takes a swig from her wine and licks her lips. "We had sex last night," she blurt out and doesn't know why she said that.

Claire chokes on her beer and raises her brows. "Congratulations, but that doesn't answer my question. Are you talking to Jane. I mean, **really** talk."

Maura is silent for a moment and starts to shake her head, sitting down on a chair at the kitchen counter. "It's not that easy, Claire. I mean, Jane tries to give me all the space I need, she respects my wish to be for myself. She is very patient with me. I do appreciate it, and in the same time her current behavior makes me so angry."

Claire sits down on the chair next to the ME and nods. "Why does it make you angry?"

Maura laughs sadly and glances down at the wine glass. She's aware of the fact that right now she's talking to Dr. Salinas, the psychologist, and not to Claire, her friend, but somehow she doesn't mind it. She needs to talk about it to someone and she knows that the other woman won't say a word to Jane. "Because normally Jane isn't that way. She isn't patient and silent. She's pushy and always demand answers, explanations. Normally she wants to know why I, why people withdraw from her, what she did wrong to make me feel the way. She picks up fights until I tell her why I do things I'm doing. Normally, she doesn't dodge an argument. But ever since O'Keefe kidnapped me, it's like she's walking on eggshells. And I hate her for that. I hate her for needing over a week to get to me. I hate her for making me watch what O'Keefe did to his victims."

"Maura, Jane didn't make you watch, O'Keefe made you watching. He is the one you should hate, not Jane. Both of us know that he is a very savvy man. I know that Jane and her team did everything to get to you in time. I was there, Maura, we had to kick her out of the station so she'd get some rest. No, the guys had to drag her out."

"When Harris kidnapped me, they found me in hours." Maura whispers more to herself and wipes the single tears off her cheek, looking away.

"Harris wasn't as smart as O'Keefe."

"He was a psychologist, too."

"Are you trying to offend me," Claire asks playfully.

Maura has to chuckle and looks at her friend again.

The older woman smiles softly at the ME and shrugs. "It's okay to be mad, Maura. It's okay to be hurt, and it's okay to be broken. But you have to tell yourself that it's not Jane's fault, she tries to help and support you. Taylor O'Keefe is the bastard who did this to you, and it'll take time until you heal again." She takes Maura's hand and squeezes it lightly. "It'll feel like a eternity, but you're not alone in this. There are people who care about you, no matter what had happen to you. They love you, Jane loves you, I love you. Do you want to hear what I think why Jane's giving you space?"

"Please."

"Because Jane knows best how it feels like to be haunted by a monster."

Maura's eyes find Claire's, her face softens before it turns hard again. "Did you know that Jane and I were about to start a family? Did you know that we've picked a donor and had start the procedure? Did she told you that I've been the one who should carry the baby because my job is 'less' dangerous than hers? Did Jane told you that I was in the first trimester when O'Keefe kidnapped me? Did she told you that -"

"Maura -"

"I was pregnant and I lost my baby." Maura says harshly. "And it's because they hung me out to dry, because I am not a Jane Rizzoli!"

Claire opens her mouth and frowns as soon as she spots Jane standing in the hallway holding the pizza box in her hand.

Maura turns her head and gets up to her feet. She didn't want Jane to hear her hard words, and she feels bad immediately. "Excuse me, I'm not hungry anymore."

"Maura -" Jane tries but the blonde hurries up the stairs. She closes her eyes and is clenching her jaw. She has found the delivery girl with a pizza box in front of the door and wondered why she was nervous. Jane found out that there was a delivery but no one opened the door. She gave the girl the money and a proper tip only to hear how Maura blame her for everything.

"She needs time." Claire states softly.

"How much?"

"You should know?"

Jane opens the fridge and gets herself a beer. "I'll wait forever if I have to."

Claire smiles and lifts her own bottle.

Jane nods to herself and then she closes her eyes to hide the tears in them.


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you all for your kind reviews, they mean a lot to me.**

 **Enjoy this chapter,**

 **T73**

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I am about to prepare the guest room for Claire as I hear the door open behind me. I don't need to turn around to know that Maura's friend is standing behind me and is watching me closely. I don't turn around because I don't to be analyzed by s shrink. And I don't want to give Claire the satisfaction by seeing how much Maura's words have hurt me. I know that I can count Claire to my friends, but still … I know what it means to have a long-lasting friendship, and that you are forced to go bat for one part. Whether you want it or not, it just happens. And I can't keep up with fifteen years of friendship, no chance in hell. And obviously I'm the bad guy in this story. Not Taylor O'Keefe. No, I am! I clench my jaw while I put a cover on the pillow. Maura acts like she's the only one who suffers from the circumstances. Like she's the only one who has to deal with this painful loss. Yeah, okay. I'm not the best when it comes to putting emotions into words, but that doesn't mean that I don't feel the same crushing emptiness.

"You know, I can do that myself." Claire says to break the uncomfortable silence.

I still don't look at her and busy myself. "I know, but Maura would be even more mad at me if I would leave that up to you." Ha, even more mad! That was a good one. "If that's even possible," I mumble to myself. Claire wanted to go and get a hotel room so Maura and I have the chance to get things straight again, but I declined because Maura would have been pissed if I'd let that happen, and I sure as hell don't need that at all.

"Have you ever told her how you're really feeling?"

Oh, here we go. Claire Salinas turns into the shrink now, analyzing me and the whole situation. I don't need a shrink who offers herself as punching bag so I feel better, for that I have the shooting range. I point my gun at a picture of Taylor O'Keefe and pull the trigger, letting off steam. It helps excellently. Oh, who am I fooling? "I am perfectly fine." I reply and know what Claire's not buying it. Hell, even I wouldn't believe it. I finally turn to her and lick my lips. "Really, I'm fine."

"Really? So it doesn't bother you that she's blaming you for everything instead of O'Keefe?" Claire's pausing and crosses her arms over her chest. "You're telling me that it doesn't bother you that Maura's thinking that your team didn't work hard enough to find her because she isn't you?"

Oh, damn she's good. Getting things out of me by provoking me, it almost works because my angers starts bubbling up but I still bite my tongue.

"It doesn't bother you that she's blaming you for losing her unborn child?"

That's a shot in the bull's eye. I can feel my face darkening and I step towards her, pointing at Claire. How dare she saying something? I was devastated when I got to know about the miscarriage. My facial muscles twitch and I hiss though clenched teeth, "Have a good night." I want to slam the door shut when I leave the room but resist the urge. I stop in the hallway and brace myself at a wall. I need a second to contain my anger again. I know that Claire's words were only meant to help but she has absolutely no right to talk about things she has no idea about. Bring up our unborn child, how dare she. I make my way to our bedroom but stop with the hand on the knob. Perhaps it isn't the best idea to spend the night near Maura, but I also don't want to sleep the couch, I haven't done anything wrong. If someone has to spend the night on the couch than it's lovely girlfriend. No, tonight I won't give in so easily. If she's pissed because of that, fine than. I can deal with that, it can't get worse, right?

I enter the room and catch Maura's surprised look as she comes out of the bathroom, ignoring her at all and pulling my shirt over my head. I have to use all my willpower not to -

"You're sleeping on the couch." She says as she slips underneath the blanket.

It's no question or a plea, it's an order. She ordered me to spend the night downstairs. That's the last straw. I turn half dressed to her and furrow my eyes, keeping my voice as calm as possible. "Oh?"

Maura's holding my gaze and nods slowly.

I clench my jaw but don't move an inch. "And why would I do that?"

She's shifting uncomfortably. "Jane, don't do that."

Do what? I cross my arms over my chest. "What have I done know?"

"I just want to be -"

"What? You want to be alone?" I cut her off harshly and am surprised that I don't feel bad immediately. "No matter what I'm doing, it's wrong. If I give you space, you complain about it. If I want to spend time with you, you're running to your study. If a life with me is so horrible for you, I'll pack my things and stay with Frankie." I pause so she'll understand what I'm saying, in vain. "I really can't do this anymore, Maura. I'm so tired of all of this."

She nearly jumps out of the bed, hurries to the walk-in closest and comes back with a black carryall in her hand. "Can I help you packing?"

What the f … That, I didn't see coming. I thought that my statement would checkmate her, obviously that's exactly what she wants. I watch her tearing the drawers of the dresser open and my heart drops. What the hell is happening right now? I mean, if she really wanted me to leave since O'Keefe why didn't she say a damn word? Why do I have to bring it up? I'd left if she'd say it so, I didn't want to bother her, to torture her by facing me day in, day out. I watch her dumbfounded stuffing my belongings into said bag and see the tears in her eyes. "Stop it," I say demanding but Maura ignores me at all, continuing the packing. I swear to God, if I wasn't mad before, I am know. I grab Maura at her wrist and force her to stop. "God damn it, Maura. **Stop**!"

She breaks away from my grip and glares teary-eyed at me. "I shall stop," she asks louder and throws a shirt at me. "You started it, why shall I stop? You want to leave me, Jane. Don't let the door hit you on the way out."

I am really tempted to grab my things and leave, but I made a promise in the hospital. That Maura and I get through this together. That neither of us is leavening this relationship, no matter how hard things get. And I use to stay true to my word. "Because I start to think that it's what you want from me." I say a little louder with an high-pitched voice. I try to stay calm but I also start to lose my temper. "It seems like nothing I do for you is good enough for you, or helping you. I stay away from you, it's wrong. I try to stay with you, that's wrong too. I find Claire's car in the driveway and a pizza girl in front of the door and think 'Maybe, just maybe, this night turn out nicely for all of us', so I pay the girl, give her a nice tip and come into the house only to hear you telling your friend how much you hate me. And that none of us worked hard enough to find you because you are not me." My anger gets the best of me and I throw my arms up and shake my head. "How can you think that of me, of **us**?"

"Because -" She yells but doesn't finish the sentence.

"Because what? Because we haven't been able to trace you immediately? That was because a frigging' psychopath kidnapped you who's a fucking genius in the same time. O'Keefe knew how to cloud his tracks. Every time we thought we got you, he changed your whereabouts. We've always been ten steps behind. I barely slept, I barely ate back in the time you were missing. All I wanted was getting you back safe and sound."

Maura turns away and says clinically, "That worked out well."

I furls my brows and take a step forward. "God knows, if I'd have been able to switch places with you, I would have immediately, without hesitation. And if you'd have listen to me -"

Maura swirls around and her eyes are hard. "So it's my fault that Taylor O'Keefe took me?"

I know that I'll regret my answer but I couldn't care less right now. "Partly."

"Oh," she breathes.

"I begged you to sit this case out because it turned out that he's obsessed with you. And because of -"

Maura's waiting for me to say it but I can't make me. I don't know why I can't finish this sentence. "Because what? Because my pregnancy? Because of my unborn baby? The baby that is no more because you needed a week to find me?"

"It was mine, too." I whisper and look down at my feet to avoid her hate-filled eyes.

"Say it, Jane." She demands and gives me a push which takes me by surprise. Never ever had Maura become physically, no matter how angry she was. "Say it out loud. Say it!"

I let her push me, I don't mind it and I doubt that there is anything I could do to keep her from doing so, speaking up. "It was mine, too."

"What was yours, too? The car in the driveway? The sandwich in the fridge? What was yours, too, Jane?"

I back away and furrow my eyebrows. I know that I didn't say it out loud since that incident. I can't say it out loud because then the loss becomes real, beyond all bearings. "Maura, don't."

"Yes, Jane, tell me. What was yours, too?"

I fight an inner battle with me because I want to keep the first memories of the pregnancy for me. The joy I felt when Maura came home one night and told me radiant with joy that she was pregnant. I don't want to think about the fact that Taylor O'Keefe took the happiness away from us. I want to keep the happiness of those days locked up in my heart, and I don't want to replace this feeling with hate and bitterness. I want to have something to hold onto. A memory when live was still good, almost perfect. I look at Maura and understand that she needs to hear it. "It was my baby, too." I say and something deep inside me is breaking. "He didn't only take you away from me, he took our baby away from me, too." I have to close my eyes when she gently touch my cheek and my body starts to shake but I don't shed a tear. I won't allow the pain to conquer my heart but saying out loud that I lost a baby too is too much to bear, and the painful feeling sweeps through my entire body. Well, after that is out, I can be honest with her. I take her ha d in my own and lead the way to the room next door. When I moved in with Maura, I used it as my little gym, but ever since she told me about the pregnancy I had other plans.

I open the door and enter the room with Maura, switching the light on and hearing her gasp. I know that it is a sound of surprise and because of the thought what we'll miss. I haven't told Maura about it because this room became my little sanctuary, the room in which I can wonder what would have been if O'Keefe wouldn't have become a part of our lives.

After Maura told me that she was pregnant I started furnish the room. The day after those great news, I went to a DIY store and brought a can of light green wall color because it was neutral. I knew that it would be an bad idea to tell Ma about the baby but I wanted to have my old crib. Surprisingly, Ma kept her mouth shut. Well, after squealing, jumping around and squeezing me almost to death. And secretly put the furnishings up at night. And smuggled all the stuffed animals into the soon-to-be nursery, which was hard because Maura and I mostly shared a car. There isn't much in the room. Only a wooden dresser, a shelf, the crib, a mobile, a changing table, a small table, a floor lamp and a rocker. It is plain and simple, but I thought I'd leave the details to Maura. If I would have known …

"Why didn't you tell me," Maura asks softly but the tears are evident in her voice.

I don't look at her and get a shopworn teddy bear from the dresser. Back then I knew that Maura would be terrified at the thought but this teddy bear always has been my favorite and I wanted that our child have it too. I already had made up a plan for smuggling it back into the nursery. "The study is your sanctuary, this is mine." I answer calmly. "I started to get the room ready the day after you told me that you're pregnant. I went to a DIY store after work and worked in here when you were fast asleep."

"That's why you've been tired out."

I start fumbling at the teddy bear and shrug, still not looking at her. "It was worth it, Maura."

"That's your crib. Angela showed me photos of you in it."

I nod and look with teary eyes at her, holding up the bear. "Just like this guy. He was always with me when I was sick or scrapped my knees. I … I had the silly idea that he of she has to have something from me. You know, because he or she would have you from the beginning, be a part of you forever. I thought having a part from my past would bring us even closer. That our child would remember me even when I'm -"

"Don't say it." Maura cuts me off crying and I'm sure that she means it because suddenly I'm holding her in my arms. There is no blame anymore, or even hate. There's only raw pain and grief, and love. True love. Not like last night, that wasn't love it was lust and distraction. Suddenly it dawns to me that it wouldn't have been that way if I would have shown Maura the nursery long ago, but I wasn't ready. "I'm broken too, Maura." I whisper into her hair and allow my tears to flow. "I lost you the day he took you from me, both of you. And that's something I can't forgive myself. I wish it wouldn't have been Korsak who gun him down. I wish we'd have get to you faster. I wish I could turn back time and make everything undone." Everything I say is true. I wish for all of it. Korsak had to follow O'Keefe because when we finally found Maura she almost died of thirst and starvation. I had to carry her to the ambulance before it was to late, or so I thought. And in that moment it was clear to me that there was no baby anymore.

"Why didn't you talk to me?"

"I wasn't ready." I frown and hold her close. "I can ask you the same."

"I wasn't ready either." She looks up and I wipe the tears of her cheek. "And I thought that you've moved on like nothing happened."

I shake my head and huff. "How could I move on after all that happened to you?"

"It felt like that."

"I'm so sorry, Maura."

She nods, takes my hand and leads the way out of the nursery, switching the light off. Maybe, just maybe, we finally can spend a night without being haunted by nightmares.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey, guys. I am sorry for the delay but life got busy again. Thank you for the following, favorites and for all the kind reviews. You guys rock!**

 **However, I hope you will like this update and you're as always welcome to tell me what you think!**

 **Enjoy,**

 **T73**

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Frankie enters the house of Maura and is about to wish his mother a good morning, but he stops as soon as he spots a familiar yet strange woman preparing breakfast. "Uh, good morning."

Claire turns to him and smiles brightly at him. "Don't look so confused, you're in the right house."

"Oh," he laughs and gives her a proper hug. "Hello, Dr. Salinas. It's nice to see you again."

She hugs him back and then rolls her eyes. "Likewise. I thought we've passed the Doctor, Frankie."

"Bad habit." He replies and sits down at the counter, frowning. "I thought I'd find my mother in here."

"I told Angela to have some time for herself and that I'd take care of you guys."

"If I remember right, you're a fan of greasy stuff."

"I can't go without bacon, right."

"Perfect." He states and looks out for Maura or Jane. Since Maura didn't feel able to work in the morgue and Jane took s leave, he felt a little lost even though Korsak was still there. "What about Maura, or Jane?"

Claire smirks and flips the pancake. "They fought, and then they made up."

"They made up?"

"Several times."

Frankie looks confused at her and then he makes a face. "Ooh, I didn't want to know that!" He laughs with the psychologist and thank her for the coffee she poured him. "So they're good again?"

Claire sighs and presses her lips together, glancing at him. "You know, it takes a lot more than a good fight and make-up sex after all they went through. But it's a start, a good one. I mean the argument."

He nods slowly and sips the coffee. "You made them fight."

"I listened to Maura and poked Jane." She replies with a shrug.

"And you survive it."

"Apparently, but your sister was about to rip my head off. I gave her some pokes."

Frankie sighs and is silent for a moment. "Maura told you about the baby."

She pours her lips and wiggles her eyebrows. "I wish she would have earlier." She smiles again and braces herself on the counter. "Anyway, where's your beautiful girlfriend Nina?" She snickers when he chokes on his coffee. "I'm sorry, is it still a secret? We can talk quietly about it, whispering."

Frankie chuckles and wave it off. "No. No, it's not a secret ... anymore. Nina and I tried to keep it for ourselves but it seems to be impossible."

"Family always knows first."

"Yeah."

"You know, it's good to see that one of this family has a healthy relationship."

"It was different with Jane and Maura until -"

Claire shoves a plate to him and furrowd her brows. "Was it?"

"Absolutely. You should have seen them when they got together. They were head over heels."

"You don't think that they love each other anymore."

"Oh, they sure do, but things changed."

"Life is always changing us. What I'm asking, do you think they shall stay together or call their relationship off?"

Frankie suddenly becomes weary and narrows his eyes. "What do you think?"

Claire takes a moment and runs an the fingers of her hand along her jaw. "I think that they are a couple who went through a terrible experience and lost their child. But I also think that their strong enough to make it, but I'm not seeing them 24/7. I can make a wrong call, too." She pauses and walks to the fridge, getting orange juice out of it. "When Maura told me for the first time about Jane, I was able to tell that she was madly in love with Jane, secretly. She didn't dare to tell your sister that she had romantic feelings for Jane, though she knew that she is a lesbian." She frowns when he's cringing. "I'm sorry, does that word bother you? Lesbian!"

Frankie smiles and shakes his head. "Not at all, but Jane prefers gay."

"Gay, lesbian, whatever. Even though Maura knew that Jane is into woman. Maura was my student and I knew that she likes men and women, it never bothered me because I always knew what kind of potential she had. She has a very extraordinary way of thinking, that's why I respect her. And your sister's brain is working the same way than Maura's. That doesn't happen very often. Anyway, when Maura told me about your sister for the very first time, I knew that they -"

"Are meant for each other." Frankie jumps in and Claire smiles approvingly. "I mean, at some point my little brother and I had the crazy idea that we're in love with Maura."

Claire laughs out loud because he's blushing. "That's the _Maura Effect_ '"

"The Maura _Effect?_ What does that suppose to mean?"

"Even I once thought that I am into Maura, even though I **love** men."

Frankie laughs out loud and turns his head as soon as the front door opens.

"A beautiful woman called me this morning and invited me over for breakfast." Korsak says cheery.

Claire welcomes him with a hug and grins. "Don't let your wife hear that."

The older man chuckles and looks around. "She knows about you. Nina gave me a call, she'll be here in twenty."

Frankie checks his phone and furls his brows. "Jane's going to kill you."

The psychologist shrugs and thrusts her chin to the backdoor. "Go and tell your mother that breakfast is ready, I'll take care of the girls."

"They're going to kill you." Frankie laughs but does as he's told.

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I have woken up because of the laughter downstairs and I immediately knew that we're not alone anymore, I also know that this one doesn't go on Ma because there isn't a intrusion in our room yet. And this almost feels normal because I woke up having Maura close to me, in my arms. I missed it that she rest her head on my shoulder, that she doesn't take her distance after we had sex. I try not to move when she starts to stir and understand that Maura just pretended that she's still asleep as soon as she smiles sweetly and open her eyes. "I didn't wake you, did I?" I whisper and have absolutely no clue why I'm keeping my voice low. Perhaps because I don't want anyone to know that we're already awake and force us to go downstairs. Perhaps because I want to pretend that nothing bad has happen and that this is a ordinary morning. For my sake. I need to feel like everything's going back to normal, even if I fool myself.

Maura wraps her arms around my middle and shakes her head without saying a word, I'm sure that she needs this as much as I do and I pull her even closer. God, no matter what kind of words she's telling me, I can't stop loving her. It needs a hell of accusations to push me away, that I can tell. It'll need a hell of a crowbar and thousands of men to get rid of me! That's what I already told Maura and this is the time to prove that I stay true to my words. Yes, I don't break promises and I sure as hell don't let anyone down in their time of need, in my time of need, in our time of need. I have to bite my tongue because I am about to say **Maura, we're both in this**. I really don't want to ruin the moment we're sharing right now by saying such a foolish phrase. Of course we're both in this, and we'll get through this together, but I can't comprehend what Maura's going through. I can't comprehend what it's like to lose your child, knowing that you'll lose it, while you're captivated. I don't know what it's like to be forced to watch how a nutcase rapes, tortures and then kills women, and how it has to be to fear that you're next. Okay, the last one, I know how it feels. **All too well**! Still, I normally meet the victims after all is done, and then I have to figure out what happened to him or her, just like Maura. And it's not like only women are rape victims. We also had to investigate the murder of men who had been sexually assaulted before being murdered. I always wondered how you can force a man to have sex, I was narrow-minded back then, but I had a great teacher who explained that even men can't always control how their body react if its stimulated some ways. I still doubt it but after three male victims and the confession of the female perpetrator I was disabused. I got sick when Rose Coe told us blow-by-blow how she aroused her victims. The cause why Rose Coe did what she did? Said men have been one-night stands but she thought it would be something more, and when they told her to stop showing up at their home, work or gym and to get lost, she snapped. But to be fair, it turned out that Rose Coe had some serious mental issues. Rose Coe has been abandoned by her father at the age of six. He left her in their apartment with food and water for a month and told her that he'll be back at the end of the next day, but never showed up again. No one knows what happened to Walter Coe. A neighbor called 911 after she haven't seen neither him nor Rose and a really troubling smell came from their home. Said neighbor thought that Walter firstly killed Rose and then himself. Well, I think I'd thought the same after not seeing the family and then a strange smell. When the officers arrived at the apartment house and kicked in the door, they found the neglected girl and called in youth welfare service. Happily, services located her wealthy uncle Steven who took her in immediately. He was a godsend, or so they thought. It turned out that Uncle Steven was a well-hidden monster who abused his niece mentally and sexually. In a nutshell, he broke her and was one of main causes why Rose became who she is today. When everything pointed at her, and after we had all we needed to arrest her, she didn't resist it. On the contrary, she thanked us for taking her behind bars because if we wouldn't, she wouldn't stop the killing. She was relieved that we brought her down because she wanted to stop this insanity, she wanted to get help. However, I think during the interrogation her evil side took over.

I'll be honest, while we looked into Rose's past, somehow I started to feel sorry. Not for the woman who committed these murders but for the little girl who went through hell. I've soon learned in my job to look behind the surface to understand what drives people. To understand that some people who turned into murder have a checkered past which turned them into criminals, and to understand that some people do terrible things just because they want to. Who kill people because they are greedy or are jealous, or want to get rid of their opponents, or kill other people just for fun. Don't get me wrong, I won't excuse any of them. Killing is a crime, and it's my job to bring those down who took others lives.

But somehow I can understand a Rose Coe who suffered because of her Uncle for years. **Somehow**! I mean, I'm only human, too, and there's nothing more than pedophiles I loathe.

But I also loathe people who are wealthy and think because of that they're unimpeachably. Just like Taylor O'Keefe. Seriously, I don't give a fuck about names. Remember? I also arrested politicians of Boston, athletes, DA's, mob bosses like Paddy Doyle and I arrested Dr. Maura Isles, the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, too, just to prove that at least she's innocent. It doesn't matter right now, though. Well, it does to me because she's the love of my life, and was back then. Anyway, it didn't frighten me when we found out that Taylor O'Keefe was the one we've been looking for, who killed women the most gruesome ways. That was before he took Maura. Maura was shocked when his name turned up over and over again **Jane, Taylor O'Keefe is a highly respected cardiologist** , she said **He would never do such thing** , she said. Neither of us knew of what Taylor O'Keefe is capable. Neither of us did know that Taylor O'Keefe would be on parole. Thank God for the favors his family called in. I don't know how we got the idea that the poor O'Keefe boy could be a serial killer.

I feel fingers at my jaw and only realize now that it's clenched. I blink a couple of times and look down at Maura who has a worried expression. I haven't noticed that I got lost in my train of thoughts and try to smile.

"What have you been thinking about," she asks and traces my jaw.

I take a deep breath and come up with a lie, "Rose Coe."

She's cringing at the name and I run my hand over her bare back. I know that she's more empathic than me when it comes to Rose Coe, I don't know why. She sighs and places her head on my collar, I can't tell her that I was thinking about O'Keefe too. "Why are you thinking about her?"

I shrug and furrow my eyebrows. Shall I tell her that Rose reminded me of Maura. Well, not the part in which my girlfriend started to rape and kill her one-night stands. As far as I know she never killed anyone, but that can change with me if I say something undeliberated. I take a deep breath and answer truthfully, "I just wonder how kinky someone's life has to be so they turn out to be monster in their adult life."

She's silent for a moment and I think that she'd figured out that I'm not only talking about Rose but also about O'Keefe. Well, after all that happened, it's obvious. She snuggles into me and sighs. "Rose once was a victim, too, Jane."

"I know that." I agree and sigh as well. "I know that she was a victim of her uncle, and that apparently no noticed what he was doing to her. Or wanted to ignore it because of Walter's social status and his money. But I don't understand that services haven't noticed that he was sexual assaulting her. If they would brought Rose to a caring foster family, would she turned out to have a normal life?"

Maura's bracing herself on her left elbow, looking long at me. My heart skips a beat when I meet those hazel eyes which are not filled with hate right now, they are filled with love, for me. God, how I missed this kind of look. A small smile starts to spread across my lips and I tuck a strand of hair behind Maura's ear. She smiles back at me and says, "Let's not think about things like that now. We should go downstairs, our guests are surely waiting for is by now."

"No, they're not."

"How do you know?"

I can't help the smirk and look at the door, whispering. "If they'd know that we're up already, Ma would burst in this room, grabbing our legs and dragging us out of bed by now." She knows that I'm right and yet she looks skeptically at me.

"Let's stay in bed for five minutes, everything else would be rude." She finally states.

Five minutes? That's all I need. "Deal," I growl and bury her beneathe me. My heart skips another beat when I hear her giggle.

"Jane, that would take more than five minutes," she chuckles.

What the ...? Really? I start smirking again and reply, "You should know me better by now." I hear her gasping when I start going down on her. Have I already mentioned that I missed mornings like this? No? Now I did.

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This morning feels pretty normal to me, besides all of our friends being in our house for having breakfast with us, but I don't mind it and neither does Maura. On the contrary, she's having nice chats with everyone and for now it feels like nothing has changed, like nothing has happened. Frankie and Korsak told me what currently is happening at the BPD and I can tell that I'm missing every single idiot of them pretty much, and apparently they do miss Maura and me as well because they daily ask Frankie and Korsak how we're doing. Perhaps I stop by at BPD in the near future. Not as a detective, though. Only to show my colleagues that I'm still alive and that I'll come back, and to show them that I care about them, too, even though sometimes I want to hit one of them because of a stupid line. Frankie's telling me how my stand-in Jason MacDonald is holding up when I hear Korsak's phone ringing. I don't know why but a chill is running down my spine and I turn my head so I can look at him. My stomach drops as soon as I see his face darkening and getting up from his chair to walk in the direction of the foyer. It seems like he's getting information he doesn't want Maura or me to know about. Well, he should know me better.

"Jane, is everything okay," Frankie's asking me and I look confused at him. "I'm not sure." I answer before I get up to my feet and follow Korsak into the foyer, hearing him say, "How the hell is this possible? Are you sure? Alright, I'll be on my way."

"What's going on," I ask him and he swirls around.

He starts to shake his head and furls his brows. "Nothing. Just some problems at the office."

Yeah, sure. Because this is his grimly face he always makes when something went wrong at the office. **No**! This is his grimly face when something went terribly wrong somewhere. I cross my arms and shift my weight from one foot to the other. "Vince."

His shoulder are slumping and he looks over mine. I turn my head and can see that Frankie and Nina followed us. Korsak says with a hushed voice, "There was a prison riot in Walpole."

"You have to be kidding me." Frankie whispers harshly.

"Oh, my God." Nina gasps.

I don't know what to say. Walpole, a supermax and place I was hoping I wouldn't see from inside ever again, one of my nightmares that became true. I've already been there way too often. Because of Hoyt and because of Doyle, and now because of O'Keefe. Of course this place has to be mentioned at a morning when our lives are starting to go back to normal, like those bastards sensed it. And the voice in the back of my mind is telling me that this friggin prison riot isn't a coincidence, and in the same time the voice tells me that I shall not be ridiculous. How the hell should Taylor O'Keefe know that our lives become normal again, unless ... No, this is ridiculous for real. No one of us would be a snitch for Taylor O'Keefe. I trust all of them, they are my friends, my family. But somehow I know that O'Keefe is the reason for the riot. He wouldn't be the first to do something like this so he won't be forgotten, or to show that he's still in control, but he isn't and he will be forgotten. I make sure of that. "Is he on the run?"

Korsak looks seriously at me and I can see that he knows about whom I'm talking, shaking his head. "No. No, O'Keefe is still in prison, but he got a good blow to his head and is currently in the hospital ward."

I have to swallow hard because I feel sick. I just wait for the sentence _He wants to see Maura before he dies_. Hell, that won't happen as long as I am breathing.

"Frankie, you're coming with me. We'll figure out what happened. Nina, you stay with Jane and Maura."

Frankie doesn't think twice. "Yes, Sir."

I'm not moving and try to figure out what to do next. Of course I would like to stay and pretend that everything's alright, but I am not good at it. Maura wouldn't need five minutes to figure that I am beyond tense, like Ma. "I'm coming with you," I say and don't even know why.

Frankie's looking at me like I've lost my mind and Nina's pursing her lips.

Korsak stares at me and is thinking about how to turn me down.

"You're not on duty, Jane." Nina suddenly says.

I turn to her and glare at her. "So?"

"And you're not objective." Frankie agrees.

Now, I glare at him. "I am objective, Francis. And I'm not coming with you to make sure that O'Keefe is still behind bars, I'm coming with you to make sure that everything's in control!" Liar!

Korsak nods slowly. "Alright, but no gun and no badge. You're coming with us just to ... make sure."

I know that he sees right through me but I irgnore it, nodding. "Sure." I reply and get my keys. Frankie, Nina and I went back to the others and I smile at Maura, opening my mouth.

"Jane, what's going on," Ma asks me before I can come up with a good lie.

I growl low and roll my eyes.

"There is a water damage in the Dirty Robber." Frankie jumps in.

"And you can't fix it by yourself?"

I raise my brows. "You do remember the last time when Frankie fixed the pipes in the Dirty Robber? The son of a plumber needed to hire a plumber." I smirk when I hear Nina snort.

Ma rolls her eyes. "Fine, you go and help your brother."

I nod and look at Maura. I can tell that she doesn't buy my lie at all but kiss her on the lips. "I'll be back in a bit."

She swallows hard and is nodding. "Be careful, Jane."

"I will," I say and squeeze Maura's shoulder before I leave with Korsak and Frankie. "Let's do this." I whisper and feel like in charge again. If this is because of O'Keefe, I'll burst his party!


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey, guys. This is a short update. Than you all over again for all your reviews. I am glad that you're enjoying this story it means a lot to me :-))**

 **I hope that you'll like this chapter as well. Enjoy,**

 **T73**

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 _Jane arrived at the new scene, she immediately knew that there would be trouble. Normally neither she nor Korsak or Frankie were responsible for this district. It was not new to her that there was always a question of jurisdiction, especially when it came to a woman murderer, so Jane wasn't surprise that Frankie stood behind the yellow police tape, waiting for the okay to get to work. "What are you waiting for," she asked when she got closer to her brother, putting her hair into a ponytail._

 _Frankie rolled his eyes and nodded in the direction of a town house. "That Korsak clarifies the damn responsibility. A certain detective Kaminski wants to make a name of himself."_

 _"Seriously?" She growled and made her way to said tape, feeling Frankie grinning proudly. Jane knew Detective Joshua Kaminski, not personally, thank God. She heard about him. If she'd had to fight with this idiot, she would have rather landed in a funny farm than in Homicide. She huffed and marched towards the tape. She ignored a officer, who was struggling on his hands and knees, to pick a further roll of police tape from a rosebush. Rather than simply tear it and start again with the taping, he picked up a fight with the thorns and pulled his hand back repeatedly. "Hey!" He said out loud when he finally noticed that she was walking to the front door. "You can't go in there!" When Jane didn't slow her steps, he jumped up and dropped the tape, which dropped to the inclined lawn. For a moment it looked like he was going to run after the tape instead of Jane. She almost laughed, but remained serious and pulled her jacket back to reveal the badge of a Detective. "Boston Homicide."_

 _"Of course," he replied and let his eyes roam over his body as she handed her badge over, eyeing it then._

 _Jane tensed immediately and crossed her arms over her chest._

 _"Holy crap. You're really Homicide." A little embarrassed, he handed her badge back. "I didn't know that BPD would investigate in this."_

 _Of course he didn't. She kept that for herself, and that she had experience in such cases, and asked instead, "Who's the leading detective?"_

 _"What?"_

 _She nodded to the house. Who's the leading the investigation?"_

 _"Oh, that's Detective Kaminski."_

 _On her way to the front door she felt his eyes on her. But before she closed the said door, she watched the officer hurry after the tape that had spread all over the lawn._

 _No one was near the door. There was no one at all. The foyer was almost as big as her former home. Jane took her time, looked into each room, stepped carefully, and touched nothing. The house was clean as a new pin, nowhere was a dusting until she entered the kitchen. On the chopping board she noticed all the ingredients for a sandwich, but dried up and shriveled. Weltered lettuce lay on the board next to tomatoes and peppers._

 _The wrapping paper of several chocolate bars, a few cans of soda and an open glass of mayonnaise were waiting to be cleaned. In the middle of the kitchen island was a sandwich, the sumptuous filling was curving the whole-grain bread, in which was bitten only once. Jane's eyes wandered through the rest of the kitchen. Shining work surface and equipment and a spanking clean floor on which lay three other wrapping papers of chocolate bars. The cause of this mess clearly didn't live here._

 _She heard voice now, muffled and coming from upstairs. As she walked up the stairs, she avoided touching the oak banister, but doubted that the local police officers has been as careful as she. On a step, she discovered a lump of clay, probably from a shoe of a officer. But it glittered oddly. She resisted the temptation to pick it up. Unfortunately, she didn't always have bags with her to seize evidence. Even though it had already happened that she suddenly found one in her jacket pocket. She walked along the long, carpeted floor toward the voices. At the door to the main bedroom she was greeted by a blood pool, with a shoe print on the side while the second blood pool oozed into a expensive Persian rug. Jane found a pattern of blood splatters on the oak door. Please, they only reached her knees. While Jane looked at the contaminated crime scene she was sure that Maura was mafficking._

 _Thoughtfully, she stopped in front of the door as a detective in light-blue sports jacket and wrinkled cotton pants yelled at her, "Hey, lady! How the hell did you get in here?"_

 _Maura and a CSRU stopped their work and stared at her. Jane could exactly see that the ME was beyond being teed off._

 _"I am Detective Jane Rizzoli, I work for the BPD." She held her badge in front of his eyes, but her gaze wandered around in the room._

 _"BPD?"_

 _He exchanged looks with another detective while Jane carefully stepped over the blood pool and entered the room. Even more blood speckled the white comforter on the canopy bed. Despite of the blood, the comforter had been spread smoothly without any dents. The fight obviously hadn't take place in bed._

 _"Why is BPD interested in this," the man in the sports jacket wanted to know. He ran a hand over his head and Jane wondered if the flattop cut had been made recently. His look from dark eyes slid down on her, and again she was reminded that she was working in a men's world. She looked at the two men, and then she looked at the quiet, angry Maura, then she turned her attention back to the older man. "You are Detective Kaminski," she asked the flattop cut. He lifted his eyes abruptly and didn't seem to be only surprised but also alarmed that she knew his name. Was that worry in his eyes, that his superior would let him being checked? He appeared to be a bit clumsy. She guessed that he was in Korsak's age. Perhaps it was the last time he was leading a murder investigation._

 _"Yeah, I'm Kaminski. Who the hell did call you?"_

 _It was time to confess._

 _"I guess that was me." Maura stated and got up to her feet._

 _"Good God!" He ran a hand over his face and looked at his colleague. "Just because you're from the damn BPD, you think you can burst in here?"_

 _"I work for Homicide, I'm used to investigate such crime scenes. Dr. Isles thought my team and I -"_

 _"Well, we don't need help. Everything's under control."_

 _"Hey, Detective." The officer that had watched the police tape came in, and everyone saw how he stepped into the blood pool. He jerked his foot up and stepped back into the hallway. Maura groaned loudly._

 _"Jesus, I can't believe that this happened to me again," he whispered._

 _Jane realized that the intruder had been more careful than the local police. Thus the shoe print in the blood pool was useless. When she looked at Kaminski, He looked away. He shook his head and disgusted his embarrassment as contempt for the young officer. "What, Officer Stevens?"_

 _Stevens desperately sought a place where he could his foot down. With a look he was begging for forgiveness, he finally wiped his shoe at the hallway carpet. Kaminski avoided looking at the two women. Instead, he shoved his big hands deeply into the pockets of his jacket, as if he to prevent them from straggling the young officer. "What the hell do you want, Stevens?"_

 _"It's just ... There are a few curious neighbors out there. I just wanted to know if I should start interviewing them."_

 _"Write down names and addresses. We'll talk to them later."_

 _"Yes, sir." The officer appeared to be relieved that he could leave._

 _"Well, Rizzuto, what do you think of this mess?"_

 _"Rizzoli."_

 _"What?"_

 _"My name is Rizzoli," she corrected him and didn't wait for a second invitation. "The body is in the bathroom?"_

 _"There is a Whirlpool bath with even more blood but no body. This insignificant detail is obviously missing."_

 _"The blood seems to be confined to this room and the bath." Maura finally said and Jane noticed that the ME was the only one who wore latex gloves._

 _"If someone got hurt, we would have found blood somewhere else. But the house is spic and span, you could eat from the floor." Kaminski Ran his hand over his flattop cut again._

 _"The kitchen isn't that clean." Jane replied._

 _He frowned. "For how long are you at my crime scene?"_

 _She overheard his question, knelt down and looked more closely at the floor. Most of the blood was clotted, some dry. It probably had been there since morning._

 _"Perhaps the woman had no time to clean up after lunch." Kaminski continued when he didn't get a answer._

 _"How do you now that the victim is female?"_

 _"A neighbor called us because the lady of the house didn't answer the phone. She and the victim wanted to go shopping together. She saw the car in the garage, but no one opened the door. I think the guy, whoever he was, interrupted her at lunch."_

 _"Why do you think she made the sandwich?"_

 _Kaminski and the other detective were confused. They exchanged looks and appeared that they were expecting information from one another._

 _"What the hell are you talking about, Rizzuto?"_

 _"My name is_ _ **Rizzoli**_ _, Detective Kaminski." This time, Jane showed her tetchiness. His obvious disregard for her name was a small but familiar and annoying dig to discredit Jane. "The house of the victim is impeccably clean. She wouldn't have left such a miss, or sit down for lunch before cleaning up."_

 _"Perhaps she was interrupted."_

 _"Perhaps. But there are no signs of a fight in the kitchen. And the alarm system was switched off, correct?"_

 _Kaminski appeared to be annoyed that she had guessed right. "Yeah, it was turned off, so maybe it was someone she knew."_

 _Maura smiled a little and quirked an eyebrow. She knew that Jane was way better than the old man, but didn't say a word until she needed to._

 _"That's possible." Jane stood up again and looked around in the room. "if he disturbed or surprised her, then only up here. Perhaps she had expected him or even invited him to come up. Maybe that's why there are no signs of a fight until the bedroom. Maybe she changed her mind and didn't want to carry out her plan. This blood splatter on the door is odd." She pointed on it without touching it. "It is so low that one of them must have been on the floor when the wound was inflicted." She went to the window and felt Kaminski's and Maura's eyes following her. She saw a yard that was just like Maura's and hers. "There's not much blood, though." She continued. "Unless there's more in the bathroom. Perhaps there's no body because the victim was able to walk away on her own."_

 _Jane heard Kaminski snort. "You think they had a nice little lunch, then he beat her up by every trick in the book because she no longer wanted to be fucked by him, and then she left with the guy voluntarily, and the whole goddamn neighborhood hasn't noticed anything in the meantime?" He laughed._

 _Jane ignored his sarcasm because she knew it all to well by using it herself. "I didn't say that she left voluntarily._

 _"Besides," Maura jumped in. "This blood is too clotted and dry that the attack happened in the noon."_

 _Jane raised her eyebrows in surprise. "What do you think, Dr. Isles?"_

 _Maura kept an straight face. "I would say it happened early in the morning."_

 _Jane smirked proudly. Not only because Maura left her comfort zone, but also because they act in concert when it came to Kaminski. "I don't think they had lunch together. He probably made the sandwich for himself. You should bag it as evidence. If you don't get a tooth print, perhaps you get saliva for a DNA analysis." She ignored the amused look of her girlfriend. When she turned around she looked at the other detective. His frustration had turned into astonishment and the wrinkles around his eyes were clearly visible. Apparently, he was older than she had thought. Therefore, his clothing and haircut were more a midlife crises than modesty. She saw his surprise. She got such responses more frequently after her impulsive but clear crime scene analysis. Occasionally, under such looks, she felt like a cheap fortune-teller. However, the skeptism of her listeners has usually been associated with sufficient astonishment and respect to mitigate this impression. "Do you mind if I take a look at the bath," she asked._

 _"Go ahead." Kaminski replied, shaking his head._

 _Before she reached the bathroom, she stopped. There was a photo on a secretary. She saw a smiling blond woman, who had an arm wrapped around a dark-haired man and the other one around a panting white Labrador. Somehow the woman reminded her of Maura and she got Goosebumps. This wasn't the first time that a victim had a close resemblance to her girlfriend._

 _"What is it," Kaminski asked right behind her._

 _Jane swallowed down the lump in her throat. "Nothing." At the same moment, she saw more blood in the dresser mirror. It was smeared at the ruffle edge of th bedspread. Jane turned hesitantly. Was it possible that the bleeding victim lay under the bed?_


	8. Chapter 8

**I am so, so sorry for this long delay but firstly life got rough and then several of my electronic devices didn't work anymore 😑**

 **This is a rather short update and I hope that you guys like it, and of course you're as always welcome to tell me what you think.**

 **Enjoy,**

 **T73**

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Taylor O'Keefe still gives me the creeps every time I have to face this monster. Well, this time I didn't have to face him but I wanted to make sure that O'Keefe is indeed still locked up and doesn't get the chance to escape even though he's currently in the hospital ward. That doesn't make me feel any better. There's one reason why, one name. Charles Hoyt. Okay, I don't want to think about that right now, O'Keefe hasn't been after me! Every time I see his smug face I want to slam my fist into it just to wipe the smile out of it. Every time I hear his arrogant voice I want to strangle him to make him shut up, to make the world a better place again. Okay, he's in prison now and can't harm anyone else. And yet I have to think about all those lives he ruined, including mine. Have I already mentioned that Taylor O'Keefe can call himself lucky that I didn't get the chance to arrest him? He also can call himself lucky that he was surrounded by wards when he started to talk about Maura like they had been a couple for the time he held her captive. Thanks to them, Frankie and Korsak he's still breathing. I kept my poker face that moment but inside of me a war was raging. Korsak has seen that and told me silently to stay back, and so I did. He talked about what could have been if Maura wouldn't have been so ... reserved.

Reserved! Get this ... reserved!

Hell, she hasn't been reserved, she has been scared to death!

As those words left his mouth, I had to use all my willpower not to kill him with my bare hands right then and there! And even more. And oh, he was so disappointed that Maura didn't join our little chat. Only over my dead body! That will never happen! But he had a point as he said that she won't very pleased if she'll find out that I pay him a visit every now and then. I couldn't care less. I can handle a angry Maura, or that's what I keep telling myself. But when it comes to O'Keefe I rather take a step back then to rebuild a crumbled Maura even if it means that she's trusting me even less.

I can see that Korsak's looking at me every now and then since we're driving back from the prison. Stupid rearview mirror. Perhaps he wants to see if I am alright or perhaps he wants to make sure that I am still sitting on the backseat and didn't escape from the driving car just to go after O'Keefe. And that wouldn't be impossible because I haven't said a word since we left the prison again. I don't know what to say about this very graphic description of what O'Keefe would've liked to do to Maura. Or what to say about the fact that he forced his filthy hands underneath her blouse and that Maura did enjoy it, in his freaking world. He could say because then she was shaking.

Hell, in that moment I wanted to break his teeth.

I clench my jaw and my eyes are finding Frankie's as he looks over his shoulder. I can see sympathy in his very own but I don't want sympathy, I want revenge. In my entire life as an adult I never had this feeling. As a kid, yeah, but back then I couldn't understand what that feeling meant for real. And when I had to roughhouse my brothers or a peep it was either for fun or to defense myself, but never because I got a bloody nose because either of them. It's the same if I have to shoot someone on duty, it's necessary to keep my coworkers and myself safe not because I seek revenge for the victim of victims. But this time it is different and it scares me. I want to have five minutes alone with Taylor O'Keefe and torture him, I want to hurt him, I want to make him beg for mercy, I want to make him feel what his victims felt in their last moments. I want to make him feel what Maura felt. I want to take O'Keefe to the woods and Chase him just like he chased Maura for days. I have to look away because I know that my dear little brother can see all those emotions in my eyes, and I am beyond glad that he doesn't say a word. That's the benefit of being siblings, you don't have to ask what you're thinking, you know it by looking in the eye, and in the same time I hate it. Frankie's a good boy, he knows when to keep his mouth shut. Korsak's turning into my driveway and a heavy sigh escapes from my lungs as soon as I spot Nina and Ma standing in front of the house. That doesn't mean anything good.

"Uh-oh," Frankie's whispering and Korsak's looks at me with a frown.

I place an hand on his shoulder while opening the back door of the car. "I got this."

"You sure?"

I smile and get out. Oh Korsak, stop worrying about me. It doesn't need a second until Ma walks up to me, extremely pale. "Jane, Maura's beyond mad."

Nina's wringing her hands and swallows. "I'm sorry, Jane. It slipped ouy that you're going to see O'Keefe."

"Maura's raging."

"Jane, I'm so sorry."

I can't be angry at either of them, it was only about time until Maura would find out about it. I only wish it I would have more time to prepare an explanation. Well, shit happens. I take a deep breath and look at each of them with furrowed eyebrows. "Please go home, I can handle this."

Nina _'s_ hesitating.

Ma's stubborn and not sure. "Jane -"

"Ma!" I cut her off and realize that my voice is harsher then I want it to be. I am silent for a second look at her with begging eyes. "Ma, please," I say softly.

My mother's sighing and nods before she signals Nina that it's time for leaving. That was easy, though. I thought that I'd have an argue with her right here in the drive way before I'd have to face a raging Maura. That would make everything even worse.

I shake that thought off, walk to the front door and open it just to hear Maura argue loudly and that Claire's trying to talk her down. Always the shrink, huh? But I prefer a arguing Maura then a Maura who's closing up. Even if she's yelling, then I know what's on her mind and what she's feeling, withdrawing from me makes everything harder to bear. A yelling Maura means that I also can tell my mind. There are way too many times that she's suffering alone those days. I know, I know Maura for many years and many times I know what she's thinking, and yet she's still a closed book to me. Some times, too many times. I put my keys in the bowl and close my eyes, listening to my girlfriend's angry voice. Am I really ready to face her right now. Unfortunately there's no way out of this so I found the corner and see that Maura's pacing right in front of our kitchen island, immediately stopping as she spots me. Claire's sitting in one of the high chairs and her eyes are laying on my girlfriend. "Maura," she's asking carefully.

Maura's marching up to me, her face is red and her eyes are blazing, and then she's pushing me.

Claire is startled and jumps to her feet. "Maura," she yells but either of us ignores her even though I hardly sway.

I deserve that, it's my fault and I deserve it. If Maura needs one I am find of being her punching bag. Hell, even if she'd punch me in the face I wouldn't flinch but I keep that for myself. I just look down at her and that seems to anger her even more.

"You are visiting Taylor O'Keefe at the prison," she's asking and and her voice is oddly even but that doesn't make me open my mouth. I know that my eyes are answering her question and she gives me another push. Jesus, this small woman is incredibly strong, physically and mentally, but I knew that before. I look at Claire and ask her silently to stay back. Perhaps this is another step to proceed this. Perhaps not, I'll know later. "How dare you?" She's hissing through clenched teeth. "How dare you talking to my debaser?"

Debaser! I never thought about Taylor O'Keefe as her debaser and that word makes me clenching my fists what makes Claire stepping even closer. Maybe she's thinking that I'll start to fight back, maybe she thinks that she needs to interve. I know better. I know that I won't harm Maura. Ever at all! Maura's pushing me again and I have to fight to keep my balance. There it is, the anger I've been feeling since I lost her, the anger I kept for myself because I know I have no right to feel it. "How dare you?" She now yells at top of her lungs and her eyes are watering. "You have no rights to talk to him about what what he put me through!"

Us, Maura! About what he put us through and we made it! And we made it! We are here, safe and sound, and we have each other. We'll make, we've made it. I know that by know it shouldn't be only her and I, by now it should be her, our child and I.I know that I should put these thoughts into words but I can't make myself to do so. I have to clench my jaw at that thought and force myself to stand still as O'Keefe's voice is ringing in my head. How he laughed about the fact that Maura begged him to let her go and told him that she was pregnant. How he told her that this shouldn't be a problem, that he'd make her as many babies as she wants. I drop my eyes because I can't stand that thought but they found Maura's as soon as she stops hitting and pushing me.

"No," she whispers and is stepping back. I can tell that she knows what I got to know. Things she was keeping from me, maybe to protect me, maybe to protect herself. "No!"

I still doesn't say a word and step closer and I think Maura's about to run, but she doesn't move and I step into her personal space. I lift my hand and touch her cheek gently, lightly, and her body's starting to shake. Not because of anger but because of years she's suppressing. In the past, when the IV didn't work out, I told her that it was alright and that we can try again, but this time it would be the wrong words because Taylor O'Keefe told her it'll be okay and that he'd impregnate her as many times as she wish. It would be inappropriate because the last time we've tried we knew we'd become parents. Her and me, us together. It would be inappropriate because our unborn child got killed by a psychopath, it didn't even get the chance to take its very first breath. We didn't get the chance to hold it in our arms and tell it how much we love it. The death of a child can tear families apart and to be honest, I was about to leave when Maura started to blame me for everything. Not because I didn't love her anymore but because I didn't know how to handle my own grieve. That thought crossed my mind for a split second but as you know, I am a very stubborn person and I don't give up easily.

I can see that it hurts Maura that he told me almost everything and that she sees how hurt I am because of that, that's why I'm taking by surprise when she wraps her arms around me and push me in for a embrace. I'm not sure who's trying to comfort whom but know that either of us needs it right now. We need the contact, the feeling that we're not alone in this, and that neither of us is leaving.

I close my eyes and kiss her head, my lips are lingering there. I want to tell her that I love her, no matter what, and that I won't go anywhere no matter how hard times will be. And that she always can rely on me.

She looks up at me and then at my lips. I doesn't move and my eyes flutter shut as soon as hers are touching mine. The kids is sweet and gentle, and it says so many things, also that she still loves me but needs time. I can deal with that as long as I have her in my life!


	9. Chapter 9

**I am so, so sorry for the long delay but I did not have the inspiration to write the last couple of months, I hope that changes now. Thanks for the PMs and the reviews. I hope you still stick with me and my stories.**

 **I know that this is just a short chapter and in the beginning it's a dream sequence/memory of Maura**

 **Again, I am deeply sorry.**

 **Enjoy this update,**

 **T73**

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 _ **jerked awake. Her throat felt like it was made of sand, so dry that the swallowing was painful. Her kids were heavy like. Her chest hurt like something heavy had been laying on it. She laid on a small cut and the breeze of air made her to pull the itchy blanket underneath her chin. She remembered that she felt like she was paralyzed. Panicky, she lifted her arms and was beyond glad that she wasn't cuffed, but at the same time mad that her limbs were heavy as well. Every single movement had been awkward like her arms and legs belonged to someone else. At least she was able to move.**_

 _ **She tried to sit up and her muscles protested. The room started to turn. Her temples throbbed and nausea came over her so quickly and hard that she lay down again. It was not the first hangover she had, but this was worse. She had been injected with something. She remembered the dark-haired man and the needle.**_

 _ **God, where did he take me? And where is he?**_

 _ **She let her eyes wander through the small room. The nausea forced her to rest her head on the pillow. She craned her neck and turned to examine the dwelling. A kind of wooden shed. Through the slits between the rotted planks light came in as the only illumination. As far as she could tell, it was either cloudy or so early or late in the day that no sun was shining. Anyway, she could only guess. There were no windows, or more precisely, no more. In one wall was a small, boarded-up area that once could have been a window. Apart from the bunk, the room was empty except for a large plastic bucket in the corner. She looked around searchingly and saw something that looked like a door. Hard to recognize because the wood was hardly different from the rest of the wall. Only a few rusty hinges and a keyhole identified it as a door. No doubt the door would be locked, maybe even from the outside, but she had to check it. Carefully she sat up. The nausea didn't take long, and she had to put her head back on the pillow.**_

 _ **"Damn," she scolded and regretted it immediately. What if he watched her and listened?**_

 _ **She had to pull herself together. She could do that. After all, she had already survived other tricky situations. But the headache and the nausea wore her even more out. Why did the man do that to her? What did he want from her? Was it a mistake? New panic cramped her stomach. She didn't allow herself to think about her kidnapper and his intentions or the nature of her kidnapping. That would paralyze her at least as much as the contents of the syringe.**_

 _ **She rolled over on her side to stifle the feeling of nausea. A sharp pain stabbed her in the side, and for a moment she was afraid that she rolled onto a sting. But beneath her was just the lumpy mattress. She raised her hand and noticed that her blouse was pulled out of her waistband. One button was missing, all others were open.**_

 _ **"No, stop it!" She said in a low, sharp voice. Now was not the time to think about what he might have done to her during her unconsciousness. She had to check if she was okay. She didn't feel any open wounds or sticky blood, but she was almost sure that she had broken a rib or had bruised it badly. Carefully, she touched the area under her chest and bit her lower lip. Despite the pain, she guessed that it was bruised and not broken. That was good. With a bruised rib, she worked without restriction. Broken ribs could cause in the worst case damage the lungs.**_

 _ **She pushed one foot out from under the blanket and dangled it to the ground. She was barefoot. What had he done with her shoes? She looked around again. Her eyes had gotten used to the dimness, though her gaze remained a little blurry. But that didn't matter. There was nothing to see in the shed anyway. Toes and ball of the foot touched the ground. It was colder than expected, but she put her foot on it to stimulate the circulation, so that her body would get used to the changed temperature before she rose. The air in the shed was damp and cool. Then she heard it tap, tap, tap tap on the roof. Rain had always had something comfortable for her. In that situation, she immediately wondered how rotted and leaking the roof was, and shivered promptly. The bucket, however, hadn't been set up because of the leaky roof. It rather should serve her amenities. Apparently it was planned to keep her here for a while. A scary thought. She pushed herself up from the cot, stood with both feet on the cold floor, leaned forward and braced herself. Teeth clenched, she fought the urge to vomit, waiting for the room to stop spinning. Her raging pulse made her head buzz. She tried to focus on the drumming of the rain. Perhaps she found solace and a sense of serenity in the familiar and natural rhythm. A sudden thunderclap startled her like a shot. She turned to the door, expecting to see**_ him _ **.**_

 _ **When the shock subsided, she laughed out loud. It was just thunder, just a little bit of thunder, nothing more. She tested her feet, persuaded her stomach to behave, and tried to ignore the pain in the side and the suffocating panic. Her breath was shallow. A lump in her throat threatened to burst into a scream, which she laboriously suppressed. Trembling, she took the blanket and put it around her shoulders, knotting the ends around her neck to keep her hands free. She looked under the cot, hoping to find something that would help her escape-or at least her shoes. But there was nothing. Not even hair balls or dust. Apparently he had thoroughly cleaned and prepared the shed for her. If only he had left shoes. Then she remembered wearing a pantyhose under her pants. That meant he had undressed her.**_

 _Do not think about that, Maura! Focus on your escape, distract yourself. Don't listen to pain or bruises on parts which could tell you what he have done to you!_

 _ **No, she wouldn't think about it, not now. She had to use energy to get out of here. Again she listened to the rain, waiting for the reassuring effect of the drumming rhythm, which hopefully regulated her rough breathing. As soon as she could walk without nausea threatening to knock her over, she walked cautiously to the door. The handle was nothing more than a rusted bolt. Once again, she looked out for an escape tool. But even the corners were clean. Then, in a groove between two planks, she spotted a rusty nail. She fished it out with her fingernails and checked the keyhole. The door was indeed locked. With a steady hand she put the nail in the lock and turned carefully, but skillfully in all directions. Another talent from her childhood. Since she had not needed it for years, she was a little bit out of practice. The rusty lock creaked in protest.**_

 _For Chrissake, if I would only -_

 _ **Suddenly something metallic sounded. She grabbed the handle and yanked it. The door swung open and she was mystified about wouldn't have been necessary. She stared skeptically at the opening. That was too easy for her liking. Was that a blessing or a trap?**_

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I am with my mother and Claire in the kitchen this moment again. They didn't need to ask me to know if Maura have had a bad night once again, it was written on my face. But this time I didn't wake Maura and let her relive whatever was haunting her this time. Sounds cruel? It is, but it's also helping to cope with whatever happened to her. I still have the hope that she's sharing her experience with me at some point. Thankfully Claire agreed with my newest method, my mother on the other hand, well ... She's still the one who's giving tongue to everything. She isn't very pleased with my plan. I catch her eyes and sip my coffee with a heavy sigh, preparing myself for the next argument. "Ma!" I say warningly as soon as mom open her mouth. Surprisingly she shuts it again immediately and I turn my head to spot Maura standing at the stairs. I have to bit my tongue because she has wrapped a woolen blanket tightly around her shoulders, her face is pale and the dark circles under her eyes are even worse then mine when I've been haunted. Apparently she remembered something bad and I'm not sure if I wanna know it. I know I have to hear about it at some point, when she's ready to share. This morning, I'm not pushing her.

I watch Maura walking over to the coffee maker, pouring herself a cup of coffee without saying a word, and I run my fingers over my left eyebrow. I forrow said eyebrows when I feel Maura taking my hand in her own, guiding me gently but without a word towards the French window. As soon as we're outside and alone, she points at one of the sun lounger, saying, "Sit."

"Okay," I mumble to myself and do as she commanded, not really sure what I should think about that, but then she's sitting down right in front of me and leans back against my chest, and my heart's skipping a beat. I keep my hands to myself in the first place until I feel her shivering even though she's wrapped up in the blanket and I touch Maura's arms gently. I'm relieved that she doesn't pull away but seem to relax a little bit more. "It's going to be alright, Maura." I whisper and she leans her head back against my shoulder, her eyes are closed. Jesus, I don't even know why I say those words because they also sound to me like a lie.

Maura's silent for a moment and I want to kick myself, but then, all of a sudden, she's wrapping my arms around herself and turns her head to me, finally opening her eyes again. "I know it will, Jane. I just didn't think that it would take so long."

I'm not looking away. "You take as much time as you need to heal."

"You need to heal, too."

"Don't worry about me, Maura."

"I'm always worried about you."

For some good reason but right now my person is not as important as Maura. Not to me, but that's something I can not tell her. I nestle my nose in the crook of her neck and sigh. "You're more important to me, don't worry about me, Maura. Please."

Maura's silent for a second and I'm afraid that she's withdrawing from me again. Instead, she wraps my arms tighter around her body like I'm a second blanket that's warming her. "Jane, I'm so tired."

I nod against her and suppress a heavy sigh. "I know."

"No!" She replies fiercely and I look at her with a deep frown. "No, you don't. I am so tired of being mad at you. I'm so tired of hating you!"

It feels like a heavy burden has been lifted off my chest and the only thing I can say is, "Oh!"

That makes Maura roll her eyes and a small smile creeps up on my lips. "Those days you are so patient, it's almost intolerable."

"Sorry," I chuckle but it does down when she looks me dead in the eye.

"You are the most important person I've ever known and -" she's pausing and her body's relaxing again. "And yet you are staying with me when others would have walked out on me."

"That's because we're in this together." I reply and tighten my hold as soon as she looks away. "Don't roll your eyes on me." I state and I think I can see a smile. "I love you, Maura, and we're in this together. And I won't give you up so easily. Because you did the same. You didn't give me up in my worst times." I pause and she's looking at me. "No matter what you saying to me, I won't walk out on you, and I'm not pushing you for anything."

Now, she's really smiling and leans in. "Thank you." She whispers before she's kissing me gently.

The only thing I can do is smiling back against her lips while my heart is almost jumping out of my chest.


	10. Chapter 10

**Hey, guys. Thank you all for your feedback, it means much to me, and thank you for sticking with me and this story. I hope I'll be able to continue any of my other stories, too, and soon.**

 **Besides, I hope you and your loved ones had a wonderful Christmas time and a great start into the new year.**

 **This chapter is a little ... Well, you'll find out, and before you hate me in the end of it, as any of my other stories, this is Rizzles!**

 **This time is is a real update;)**

 **I hope you'll enjoy it anyway.**

 **Enjoy,**

 **T73.**

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I sit on the couch and stare into the blazing flames of the fireplace while the TV is running in the background, I do not know why I turned on the TV or why I started a fire. Maybe I was hoping for a little relaxation, or that these tormented thoughts are finally stopping. I've told myself that I'm not going to press Maura, but that does not mean that I'm not haunted myself, by all sorts of scenarios, and that may never change. I'm aware that Taylor O'Keefe didn't sexually abused my girlfriend, I know he did not rape her. And most of the time, I'm able to skillfully suppress such thoughts, especially since the day Maura and I finally have some sort of healthy relationship again, since she honestly told me that she's tired to be mad at me, too tired to reproach me. Since then everything seems to be normal again. I even think about going back to BPD. I've visited the precinct every now and then, just to make sure that neither Frankie nor Korsak has raze BPD to the ground, and to make it clear that Maura is still the chief medical examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, no matter what. I trust Drake, but you can never be sure. There are always sharks waiting for their chance to strike. I give Maura her time to recover from everything that has happened to her, but on some evenings I also want to pursue my thoughts, give in to my feelings. Maybe it sounds selfish, maybe I'm even selfish. I don't know it anymore.

I know that it is selfish that I am a little relieved that Nina could persuade Maura to go to the Dirty Robber with her and Claire. A kind of girl's night. She asked me to join them, too, I declined. I am not a classical girl when it comes to that, I rather keep for myself. In that Maura and I are pretty similar, but she needs someone else to talk about how she's feeling, and not being at home can help also. Maura hesitated back then but I encouraged her with a nod and a smile, telling her that I'll be fine.

I actually am fine, after my fourth beer and toying around with the velvety box that I hid in the top drawer of my dresser, and taking a look at the sonogram that Maura gave me with the brightest smile I've ever seen, telling me that finally the lengthy proceeds we've gone through really worked out, that we've been through together.

I scoff and run my hand over my closed eyes even though I am out of tears, I am past this part, or so I think. I empty my beer bottle and get the next one from the fridge. I hate to wasted but sometimes it's comforting, it helps to forget the pain, or makes it a lot worse. I care about that in the morning, now I need to numb myself. There's only so much a person can take, I am beyond the line I can handle that's why I didn't accompany the others. I want to to wail like a banshee, to myself. Healthy? No! Worth it? It helps, for me.

I pop my new beer open and about to sip it when the backdoor opens and I turn my head, seeing my mother. "Hey," I say softly and Ma's jumping.

"You're not with the girls?"

"Nah, wasn't in the mood for."

"I didn't know you're -"

"Wanna sit with me," I ask and I am as surprised as Ma looks like.

She doesn't hesitate and walks towards the couch, kissing the top of my head. I don't know why but every time she's doing that, it's soothing me. Ask me about if I like that, I'm going to deny it. I smile at her when she's sitting down on the armchair, frowning as soon as I see her skeptical eyes. She has been seeing the amount of alcohol I've been drinking already.

"Should I be worried?" She asks and looks me dead in the eye.

I shake my head, smiling slightly. "No, Ma." I sigh. "It's just -"

"A rough day?"

"Yeah."

"You and Maura fought again?"

I open my mouth and all that escapes is a hushed No. I wish it would be that simple. A fight, I could figure out what I've maybe done wrong, right now I feel like I'm walking on -

"You're walking on eggshells." Ma states and my eyes snap up to hers. "You know that you can come to me and talk about it."

"So you're not going to judge or criticis me?" I sneer but she's holding my gaze.

She takes the sonogram from the table where I left it and I feel bad instantly. I know that it's not her fault, I know that she's the wrong buffer. I know that she'd love my child as much as she loves TJ. I know that she was looking forward to become a grandmother again, as much as I looked forward to finally become a mother. "I'm sorry, Ma." I choke out.

My mother, as gentle as she is, looks at me with a smile. "It's okay, Jane. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be outraged."

"Ma."

"It's okay, baby."

I close my eyes and feel guilt washing over me, and tears burning in my eyes. There never has been someone that read me like my mother, besides Maura. That's what's hurting. My ma can be annoying sometimes and I'm glad when she's retiring to the guesthouse at some point, and Maura ... Some days I can talk to Maura as if nothing had ever happened, and then there are days when we prefer to get out of each others hair before we'd say things to each other that none of us can take back. That'd hover over us like the sword of Damocles. So, to whom am I supposed to be talking. Sure, I also could talk to Frankie or Tommy, who'd say the things I'd like to hear, or Korsak who's always trying to act like Switzerland, neutral. Don't get me wrong, Nina's a great person but sometimes she's at a loss, I think that's because she knows what it means to lose someone you truly care about but her loos had been an adult, not an unborn child. Of course there is still Claire, but I was never really a fan of talking to a shrink, and I don't want to take away Maura's last harbor. And Claire is that to her at some point.

I can feel a pull at my hand and it's drawing me back to reality. Before I can protest I see that Ma that my mother has taken the sonogram from my hand. She's looking long at it and a smile is ghosting over her lips, a sad one.

It's not the first time she's seeing it. On the contrary, ever since I told her that Maura's pregnant and that I'd wanted to surprise her with an already set up nursery, I had to show the sonogram a hundred times to Make, and sometimes nearly ripping it from her hands. I can still reacll how excited she was looking the day I came to her asking for my old baby crib, it didn't take Ma a minute to put one and one together and almost suffocated me by giving me a way too tight hug, mumbling, _About time, Janie._ Then I was light-headed, and delighted, and grateful. Not just because Ma was happy that we finally were pregnant, but also because that my mother always supported me the way I was, the way I am. She never had judged me of being gay, never came up with phrases like the church doesn't not support my way I'm living or that I'd go to hell because I am into women. She never ever came up with such a thing. On the contrary, everytime someone of the parish looked differently, she was the first person who stood up for me, as well as my dad did, still does.

"You would have been such a great mother," she states absentmindedly and my throat tightens. Her eyes find mine with a little frown. "According to how you act around TJ."

Before I can say that it would be more than unfair to let my only nephew suffer from the overall circumstances, my mother already has the next object in her hands. The small, black velvety box. I have no time to stop my mother from opening said box and my heart drops as soon as see her surprised expression. Or is it horrified?

"Are you going to -"

"No!" I reply harshly even though I don't want to and snatch the box with its content from her hand. I lick my lips and sigh. "No, but I was about to."

Ma's blinking in confusion and I can see a hint of hurt. "Why didn't you tell me?"

I have to smile at the question and I think she understands. Because you couldn't have kept it to yourself for a second as soon as I'd left you alone. Because you'd have squeezed Maura to death as soon as you'd have seen her no matter if I'd already popped the question. Because you are totally unable to keep your mouth shut even though I'd have asked you to. Because -

"When have you planned to ask Maura?"

The question pulls me out of my train of thought and I look at her, blinking and frowning. "I ... uh ... I wanted to ask Maura to marry me the weekend she got -" I trail off and have to look down at my hands. "The weekend ... Taylor O'Keefe ... happened."

She's silent for a moment. "Oh."

"Yeah."

"That's why it's getting the best of you."

I have to swallow the anger that's bubbling up and I glare at her. "That's not the main reason and you know it."

Ma's holding up her hands defensively. "Of course I know. What I meant was besides the -"

It's surprising me that my mother can't say the thought out loud and my eyes soften. "Besides the miscarriage? Yeah! The whole situation is getting the best of me, Mama. It's wearing me out."

Shock is written over Ma's face and I can understand it, it's surprising myself that I call her Mama again. It has been ages since the last time I called her mom, decades since the last time I called her mama. And she's understanding that it's time to drop that topic.

She's shifting in her seat. "Who did you take to pick the ring?"

I smile a little and take the box from her hand again, looking down at the ring that was supposed to deal the deal once and for all, that was supposed to make Maura's and mine life complete, besides our child. Now I want to take it and throw it into Charles River, or at least hide it in the things I've stored the day I moved in with Maura. It's plain and simple, nothing too fancy. Not because I couldn't afford it, but because I was told that Maura wouldn't buy it if it'd be tall and shiny and too much. I agreed even though the jeweler looked skeptically at me, but a swanky ring wouldn't come from me. I take a deep breath before I close the lid like it's the end of the chapter of a book that's unwritten. "I ... uh ... I asked Nina to come with me and pick one." I answer the question and pain is flashing in Ma's eyes. "Look, I wanted someone who's more ... neutral. Who doesn't know Maura and me as long as you do. I mean, you know me my whole life, and Maura's like a daughter to you."

Ma's getting up and walks into the kitchen. "I get it, Jane."

Normally I'd be fine with that response but I can hear the pain in her voice, and I folllow my mother into the kitchen. "Ma."

She pours herself a glass of white wine and looks at me, without accusation. "I really get it, Jane."

"You're not mad," I ask remorsefully. I don't need another person of my family being mad at me now.

Ma's smiling at me and shakes her head. "No, I am not mad at you, Jane. I'm proud of you because you asked your sister-in-law for advice the time you needed one which is telling me that you are not as stubborn as you once we're. And Nina has a good taste, even though -"

"I know." I chuckle, and this one is true. "If I'd taken you with me, I'd be starving for the rest of the year because I'd have to use my annual salary for Maura's engagement ring."

"Most likely," she says and we both are laughing. "Are you still going to ask Maura?"

I become serious again and heave a heavy sigh, not dating to look at her. "Ma, I don't know. I mean, I love Maura from the bottom of my heart and I would do anything for her, even dying for her, but -"

"The time's not right."

"Not anymore."

"Jane, you'll know when it's the perfect timing to pop the question. I know you will."

I smile weakly at her and I am grateful that this time I don't have to justify my thoughts and actions. "Thanks, Ma."

"Now, let's have a girl's night."

I roll my eyes and follow her as soon as she takes my hand in her own, dragging me behind her. "Seriously? What am I? Twelve?"

"Eight." She says and a laugh rumbles from my throat.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I stretch my arms over my head and groan, but I'm alarmed immediately because the bedside next to me is empty. I remember that Maura came home late and sneaked into our room so she wouldn't wake me, and the next thing I remember is that she climbed underneath the sheet and wrapped my arm tightly around her body. I open my eyes and now she's gone again, like she has never been there. Panic is rushing through my body and I am out of bed in no time. Stay calm, Jane. Maybe ... maybe you held her too tight and she needed some space. Probably she's in one of the guest rooms, safe and sound. I snort and am out of the bedroom in no time. Who am I fooling? Even if Maura would need space, she'd lay as far away from me as possible, still sharing our bed. O'Keefe. Hoyt. No, Hoyt is dead. O'Keefe isn't. People like Hoyt and O'Keefe never work alone, they have partners, apprentices.

That thought makes me hurry out of our bedroom, throwing open the door to the first guestroom, and the second, and Maura's study. "Maura?" There is no answer, only the hammering of my heart and the rush of my blood that I'm hearing. "Maura?" Not again. She's not taken away from me again. I run down the stairs, nearly trip while doing so, it doesn't matter, I'll rather die than ... " **Maura**?" My voice is loud, high and full of panic. " **MAURA**?"

"In here." Maura's voice is coming faintly but steady out of the kitchen and my heart slows down. I round the corner to the kitchen and breathe, "Thank God. I thought -" I trail off as soon as hard eyes of hers are staring back at me. Just then I realize that I left the velvety box on the kitchen counter last night like it's some kind of surprise for her I left there. I am such an id -

"You can't be serious." She snarls and I have to swallow hard. Unfortunately the sonogram is laying next to the box that has been opened. Damnit, Ma! "Tell me that you are not serious about this."

"Maura, it's not like it seems."

I know that my mother didn't mean anything by leaving those two objects right on the counter, that she was thinking nothing by doing so, I also know that she doesn't want to push us into marriage. She probably took a look at those things while I got ready and then left for good, thinking nothing. I hold up my hands to signal that I am in the dark as she is, that all my walls are down, I am unshielded. "It's not what you think it is, Maura."

I can see that she doesn't buy it even though it is the truth. "Is this your way of proposing even though we're going through a rough time? Leaving a engagement ring with the sonogram of our death child? Like it's death doesn't mean anything?"

I shake my head and my eyebrows are high. "No! I swear to God, no!"

Maura lifts the box and slams it to the surface of the counter. "Then, what is this?"

I close my eyes for a brief moment before I look at her and the damn sonogram on the counter next to the friggin box. "I was about to," I say calmly and she huffs, that spurs my very own anger. I am not angry at her or my mother, I am angry at my own stupidity and the ability of Ma to distract me. "I was about to propose to you the weekend Taylor O'Keefe took you." I pause and clench my jaw, balling my hands angrily. "No," I growl and don't give a damn that Maura sees all of me, my anger. "He snatched you right away from under my hands, both of you." I pause and swallow hard, Maura's watching me closely. "It was supposed to be our weekend off and I asked Ma to give us some space, and I asked her for the recipe of her very own Tagliolini al sugo di caviale and she gave it to me without a second thought or asking why I needed it even though it's something that's pretty fancy for our family." I pause and Maura is silent, too. "I ... I admit it. I was thinking that you've been working late that day, that's why I took the chance and set everything up. But ... after a while they called me -"

"That's the story behind this?" Maura's voice is sharp and it drags me back to present. "You've been cooking while Taylor abducted me?"

"I've been setting up -"

"So? It took you almost a week to come and get me! You've been cooking all the time?"

I feel my face darken and I clench my jaw. Back to that? Alright, I pick up the fight. "I've been working my ass off to find you, so was Frankie, Korsak and Nina. Kent too. I barely slept."

"You've been cooking in the moment he took me!"

"I -"

"You promised me to keep me safe! Us!"

I open my mouth and shut it again, that's a low blow, and it makes me breathless. "I know," I whisper and I keep my tears from falling, I failed her, I failed them. "I know."

"Do you?"

That question makes my eyes snap up and anger sear through my body. "I do, Maura. More than you can think of. I am aware of the fact that I failed you!"

She turn her back to me and I am brave, I need to be for the part that I am going to touch. "Do you trust me?"

Maura's back is turned to me and I can tell that she's fighting with herself. "Yes." She whispers. "Yes, I'm trusting you."

A heavy burden is lift of my chest, replaced by another one. "Do you love me?"

The silence is long and stretching, and she's turning back around, looking at me.

It's a simple question, it's answered with a _yes_ or _no_. I feel like the day I confessed my true feelings about Maura, but this time she's rejecting me. I hear the whimper that escapes my throat. "Do you ... Do you still love me? Did you ever love me?"

It is just as simple and my heart drops when Maura has to think. "Of course I loved you."

 **Loved**. I nod slowly and inhale sharply. "What changed?"

"Nothing!"

"Maura!"

"All the time -" she says and turns to me, and looks at me like she's a Lion that's jumping at my throat, protecting something that's not here.

"Go ahead," I say and nod.

"I loved you from the first moment I've seen you, you pretending to be a ... Professional."

I stiffle a laugh at the memory, but then I turn sad. I didn't know.

"Though you've been snippy, I liked you, and I would spent thousands of dollars to spend time with you. Just to be with you."

I chuckle, I can't help it. "Thank God I'm a cop and you got me for free."

"Did I?"

The question takes my breath away. "Maura."

"Yes?"

"Do you still love me? Are you still in love with me?"

It's a simple yes or no. Whatever it is that's about to come, I can handle it. It might take some time to pick up the pieces and put them back together, it might take some time until I can look Maura straight in the eye again, but I prefer to go back to being just friends before we'll torture ourselves. I can put all my feelings for her back into a box and hide it in the darkest corner of my mind. I withstand the urge to snort when those thoughts are crossing my mind. Who am I fooling? It's going to kill me if Maura's telling me that she doesn't love me anymore, and I, sure as hell, won't recover from it, but it's not the time to be selfish. Whatever she needs, I'm going to give it to her. I ball my hands the moment Maura's closing her eyes and swallow hard. I take her silence as a No, I don't love you anymore. I hate you, leave me, leave me now, and don't come back!

I almost can her those words coming from her and nod slowly, I didn't even realize that I am moving towards her and the counter where she's still standing. Was everything that we've already been through just the calm before the storm? Just the prelude to the end of our relationship, friendship? I stand close to Maura and slide the little box to the hand she's resting on the top of the counter. "Keep it." I say and am surprised that my voice doesn't sound mad or break, and I can see that Maura's just as surprised. My voice is calm and steady, like I've seen this moment coming but didn't acknowledged it. "Keep it, Maura. Do whatever you want to do with it. Sell it, throw it in the river, keep it to yourself."

Her sad eyes are finding mine and I know that we're feeling the same, and I wish she's asking me to stay. But she doesn't. Instead she's placing a hand on my check and a single tear rolls down her own.

I have to use all my power to keep my eyes open and not to lean in and kiss her, and for a short moment Maura's looking like she's silently pleading that I'd do so. I nod once and smile weakly. "It's going to be okay." It sounds more like I'm trying to convince myself and for a short moment I really do believe it. "I ... I go and get some of my things. I'll text you where I'm staying, in case you need anything." Or if you need me. I don't say that sentence out loud because I don't want to sound desperate, or that I'm tryin to impinge on her. I take a deep breath and turn to head for our bedroom, still hoping that she's asking me not to leave, but she doesn't. It feels like I am walking to my very own execution the moment I make my way to our room, it's hard to breath and I'm on the edge of tears. I hear Maura sobbing downstairs in the kitchen, but I'm not sure if it's because sorrow or because of the relief that I finally said that I get my things and leave her alone. But deep down I know the answer. I push the bedroom door open and grip the knob hard the second I look into the room that holds so much memories. I still remember how my hands had been shaking the first time I pulled down the zipper of Maura's dress intent to undress her. I still remember how she looked over her shoulder and with a Skype smile. I still remember me holding my breath the moment Maura started to unbutton my dress shirt. Okay, it's not like it was the first time I had been with a woman but it was the first time with Maura Isles, and that's something that's to burn into your mind. I still can recall how she was shaking the first time we've been intimate, how she was whispering my name all over again like she couldn't believe that this was really happening, how she digged her nails into my skin before ... I clear my throat and start moving again, now it's not the time to think about the first time we've been together, otherwise I'll turn around and beg her not to ask me to leave.

It takes me no time to pack the things I'll need and think about to leave my drawers open because I know that would make Maura mad, but I am not a mean person, or avid for revenge. Hey, me leaving was my proposal, remember? At least I leave the door open, that will drive her a bit crazy.

I make my way back down the stairs and am surprised to find Maura standing in the hallway. I smile at her and walk towards the front door.

"Jane." She chokes.

I stop immediately and close my eyes before I turn to her. "Yeah?" Before I know what's happening I feel her lips against mine and I drop my black carryall to the floor, gripping her hips and pulling her closer. The moment I enjoy this it dawns to me that this is probably the very last time she is kissing me, and the thought is confirmed by Maura's whimper and the tears that are running down her cheek. No matter what will happen after my leaving, I will never, NEVER, stop loving her, and caring for her, and I try to convey that by this last kiss, and she's understanding the message. I pull away and wipe the tears off her cheeks, saying, "Maura, it's gonna be alright, I promise." And then I pick my carryall off the floor again and leave the house without looking back one more time. After the front door falls shut behind me I have to close my eyes for a brief moment. I feel nothing, it seems like everything I loved has been ripped away by Taylor O'Keefe. Outside it is windy, grey and rainy. It fits perfectly my mood.


	11. Chapter 11

It has been almost four months. Almost four months since the day I moved out of Maura's house. Almost four months since the day we've split up with each other. Since that day I barely slept, and that's plainly visible for everyone. The day I left the house I asked Frankie if I could stay with him and Nina for a couple of days, both of them agreed immediately but I felt bad for disturbing they're new wedded life, so dropped by at the Dirty Robber and asked Korsak for a makeshift shelter, he and Kiki immediately suggested to stay at their house as long as I want after I turned Ma down who offered me to stay with her at the guest house. There are so many reasons why this would have not worked out. And even though I'm pretty sure Maura's kinda hating me, I'm sure she doesn't want me to commit suicide, or murder.

Today, I'm sitting in a two-room apartment which is right above the Dirty Robber and completely furnished, though it smells like old cigarette smoke, flat beer and old sweat. This is a place Maura sure as hell will never enter, and it's a place I don't want to know the history of. Korsak helped me to get it, an old friend of his owed him a favor. It's not like he and Kiki asked me to leave, it was me who didn't want to impose on them at some point. They told me that I wouldn't but it felt like that to me.

I take a sip of my instant coffee and scrunch my nose. Maura's right, this is no real coffee. Maura! I don't know why I'm thinking of her all the time. Okay, I do and I wonder how we got from I love you to It's better we break up in just a couple of days. I know exactly how it feels like when you're with someone you think you're in love with but in reality it feels wrong, when your heart is telling you that this is not the person you don't want to be with. I just have to remind me that Maura's not feeling the same like I do anymore. Maybe never ... "No!" I stop my mind from thinking so and get up from the decayed sofa, my voice is loud and determining, and it's scares myself. "No, that's just ... stupid. Jane, you know better. Maura's someone who doesn't say she loves someone easily. You know Maura loved you. Maybe ... maybe -" Maybe she still loves me but she is overwhelmed by the thought that I was read to take the next, big step. I want to throw the mug into the sink, shatter it like I am shattered, instead I put it carefully into the sink and brace myself, closing my eyes. "To who am I talking?" Who am I fooling? "She doesn't love me anymore, not the way I love her." The thought strikes me like a thunderstruck and I gasp, feeling a year trailing down my cheek. I barely allow myself to feel the feelings I have right now, but sometimes I can't control it. Mostly if I had too much beer. Now it seems like I had too much coffee. My breath goes flat and rapid, and I know that I'll pass out right here at the sink if I don't get a hold of myself. So inhale deeply through my nose and exhale slowly through my mouth, wiping the damn tear off my cheek. Better. I walk to the ramshackle coffee table and snap my keys off of it. I have to get - My head snaps up the moment I hear a knock on the shopworn door. Who the fuck is that? I walk to the said door and yank it open only to look into confused and even scared brown eyes. My shoulders relax and I breathe, "Nina."

Nina is standing in front of me, holding a basket of the Dirty Robber in her hand. In it are fries and a burger. Ma! "Hey." She says, shoves the basket into my hands and enters the apartment without permission. "I was having lunch downstairs, Angela told me that you're not eating properly."

I close the door again and look down at the meal. "Of course she did," I grumble and so does my stomach as soon as I see the meal. I ignore it anyway and drop the basket on the coffee table.

"You were leaving?"

I start to wrong my hands and furrow my eyebrows. "Uh, yeah ... I was ... I was ... I wanted to go to ... Uh..." What the hell? Since when am I stuttering?

"To the cemetery," Nina asks and finished my sentence in the same time.

I sigh and my shoulders slump. "Yes."

"Mind if I accompany you?"

Hell, yeh! I shake my head. "Not at all."

She's smiling a little at me. "Okay."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

We are staring down at a small headstone which says nothing but Maura's and my last name, and the day of birth and the day of death, it's the same day even though it's not correct at all. It's a child's grave and there is nothing in it but a empty casket. It has been white at the funeral service, it has been laid out. It was so small and white, and empty. And the sight has broken me. Have you ever seen a child's casket? I wish I hadn't. Have you ever seen the headstone of a child's grave on which is nothing written then the parents last name? I wish that we at least would have had the chance to choose a name for the baby. Have you ever heard a grieving mother crying for her child? I wish I'd have. The day the service of our baby took place, Maura hadn't shed a single tear, neither did I. I was holding her hand tightly during the service, glancing every now and then at her. I heard several people sniffing and crying, mostly my mother, but Maura just stared at the white, little casket that wasn't even big enough for a toddler. Her face was unreadable, like she had shut the world out, like this wasn't about our child. I had to convince her to hold a service even though she said that there won't be anything in the casket. It was more for me and my family to realize that there won't be a Isles baby, that there won't be a little human that Maura gave birth to, it was more for me to come to a conclusion. Every now and then Maura squeezed my hand and I knew that she was on the brink of tears, but she never cried on that day. Crying came way much later, and the hate.

I feel a hand on my arm and I wince, blinking my tears back and turning my head, expecting to see Nina looking sympathetically at me because she knows how I'm feeling. Instead I am looking into hazel eyes and my heart drops. "Hey," I whisper and shove my hands into the pockets of my coat.

Maura's smiling sadly at me. "Hi."

"I didn't know -" I didn't know you'd come here today, otherwise I'd chosen another day to come to our baby's grave. Our empty baby's grave.

"I visit the grave monthly." She says like I've finished the sentence. "I've came here when you were still asleep."

I nod slowly. "I didn't know."

"I didn't tell you." She replies and her voice is soft.

I look around but Nina's nowhere to be seen. What the fuck? I am not hallucinating, am I?

"Nina's waiting for you in her car."

That little snitch. "She texted you that I'd be here."

Maura can hear what I am thinking, I can tell that by her smile. "She did, but I also told her that I would visit the grave today. Maybe she wanted to make sure we're not running into each other after we -"

"No, she didn't." I cut her off and she smiles at me. Thank goodness, at least we can be civil even though we're not a couple anymore. "I missed you." I say and I want to stuff my words right back down my throat as soon as they left my mouth.

Maura's sighing, and she looks long at the headstone. "I missed you, too."

I hold my breath because I know not to read too much in this. We're just bandy civilities, maybe even trying to rekindle our friendship. I clear my throat and start to turn. "I ... leave you alone so -"

"I came here to see you." She says and I stop. "Angela and Nina text me about you every now and then to keep me posted. They also text me that I wouldn't approve your place because it's -"

I turn to her with a frown. "Because it's malodorous and loud?"

Maura's shrugging with a small smile. "Yes."

I scoff and look down at my feet. God, I really missed her, and the easiness we're trying to keep up right now. "I picked it wisely."

"Because you knew those facts would keep me away?"

"Exactly," I laugh.

Maura's licking her lips and I can tell that she's trying her best to keep her hands to herself. "Could I ... get you interested in having a coffee with me?"

Hell, you could interest me in anything as long as it involves you. I keep my enthusiasm for myself and nod. "You sure can." Damnit!

"Take all the time -" we say in unison and stop at the same time, laughing. I know the place isn't right to share a laughter but it's lightening the situation.

"Actually," Maura says guardedly and sighs. "Actually I came here to see you, after Nina texted me you'd be at the grave. I ... haven't had the nerve if you want to have a coffee with me after -"

She doesn't have to finish the sentence. "I will always be there if you need me. No matter if we're a couple or not." Why on Earth did I have to say the last part? But Maura doesn't react to that and nods towards the exit of the ceremony. "Yeah, let's go for the coffee. I just ask Nina if it's okay that she has to wait for me."

"I can drop you off later."

The offer caughts me off the guard and I frown. "You sure?"

Maura's nodding without looking at me. "Yes."

"It's not going to be awkward?" Jane, shut your fucking mouth!

She's looking at me and I see insecurity flickers in her eyes. "Perhaps a little bit."

I hang my head and walk next to her without touching. "At least you didn't lose your ability to tell the truth."

"I've never lied to you." She replies with a frown.

"Oh, sure you did." I state with lightness and a smile.

"I never lied to you when it cames to serious matters."

And gone is the little bantering. We're silent I don't realize that I am already standing at Nina's car. Either I jump into it and forget about Maura's invitation or I'll kill Nina for setting me up. It's up to me, and I want to run. I slowly open the passenger's door and glare at my sister-in-law. "You're going to pay for this," I growl at Nina who's giving me a broad smile before she's starting the engine of her car. "You girls have fun." I slam the door shut, turning to my ex-girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend! At the thought I have to take a deep breath. "Shall we?"

Maura's taking the keys of her Toyota out of her purse like she's relieved I didn't jump into the other car. "Yes, let's."

"You're not taking me to the Dirty Robber, are you?"

She's rolling her eyes while pushing the key fob. "I was thinking of something more neutral. Somewhere no one knows and our history."

Somewhere neutral, somewhere nobody knows is, and our history. No Matter who's eavesdropping our conversation. That sounds like heaven to me. I open the passenger's to her Toyota and nod. "Sounds good to me."

She opens the driver's door and smiles broadly at me. "I thought so."

That smile! She's trying to kill me, I'm sure if it. What was it she called it? Takotsubo cardiomyopathy? It's a type of non-ischemic cardiomyopathy in which there is a sudden temporary weakening of the muscular portion of the heart. This weakening may be triggered by emotional stress, such as the death of a loved one, a break-up, rejection from a partner or constant anxiety. This -

I groan and bury my face in my head as soon as I hear Maura talking about it in my head.

"What's wrong?" She has a worried expression as she looks at me.

I frown at her and shake my head, putting involuntary my hand on her thigh. "Nothing, everything is fine." It's clothed, still I can feel her muscles tense under my touch and back off before I get burned. I can see that Maura's swallowing hard and that she's gripping the steering wheel so hard that her knuckles are turning white. I want to tell her that it is okay to feel whatever she's feeling right now. Instead, I stare at the road in front of us and keep my mouth shut. Maybe it's a mistake, but I don't think so.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I clench my teeth and sip my coffee. Maura stayed truth to her word. We're sitting in a bistro no one knows us, or even our history... I sigh and frown. "You're back at work for a week already?"

"Nina's such a newsmonger," she hisses and I choke on my coffee.

I see her confused look and wipe my mouth, smiling a smile that hurts. It really hurts but I wave my hand. "So it's true?"

"It's is." She replies and shrugs like everything is going back to normal as soon as she's being back to the morgue. "Are you coming back? Do you thinking of coming back?"

I am not able to swallow the coffee down that moment and frown.

"Do you think you could come back with me being back as the Chief Medical Examiner?"

Hell, yeah! Is there another choice? I nod slowly. "Definitely,'' I say and see relief washing over Maura. "Is that what you kept you back? Thinking it would be some kind of awkward?"

"No."

"What's kept you then?"

"The overall situation. Now, I feel like I am ready to be back at work. What is keeping you?"

The question makes me frown again and I look away. "I - try to give you space."

"That never kept you from working around of me!"

I ... You ask me to leave you alone, I can't promise you that I'll stay professional the time we're in the same room. I clench my jaw but nod. "True."

"There is another reason."

I scoff and nod again, wiggling my eyebrows. Maura has the ability to read my like an open book, there is no need to deny her statement, it would be senseless either. "Yeah."

She's looking long at me. "You're not going to tell me what the reason is, are you?"

I shake my head. "No."

"Are you going to tell me what's keeping you from sleeping?"

"Is that your canny way to tell my I look tired?"

"You look awful, Jane."

"Gee, thanks." I laugh and lean back in my chair but I know that she has never been more right then right now.

"Angela also told me that you're barely eating."

My eyes snap up to hers and I know I am frowning deeply. I didn't see this coming. "You're still talking to Ma?"

Maura leans back in her chair, too, shrugging. "There is no reason not to talk to her. Unless ... it's bothering you."

What the hell? No, that's not what I wanted to imply. Shortly I moved out of the house I had been sitting in the Dirty Robber and walked down the memory lane until Ma stood behind the counter and asked me if she should move out of the guest house. I almost fell off the bar chair that moment. I would never ask her to move out just because Maura and I are no longer. I know very well that Maura's like a daughter to her and that this request wouldn't only break Maura but Ma, too. I still remember the one time Maura and I had a big fight and I asked my mother to leave the house with me, back then I was too proud and to stubborn to give in, just like Maura. It had to take a car accident, a near-death experience and Maura almost losing her leg before both of us came back to our senses. Ever since I told myself not to be as mad at her as I was back then, no matter what. And it worked until now. And to be honest, I am not mad Maura. Not at all. I mean, I was the one who said I would leave the relationship before we'd destroy ourselves. I ... I -

I look long at her and her sight is still making my heart skipping a beat. Unfortunately that's something I can't tell her. "Not at all," I say and she smiles. "Not at all, Maura. She's like a mother to you and I know she would never forgive me if I'd make her choose, because she loves you." I take a deep breath and chew on the inside of my cheek. Maybe it's a mistake but I have to get this off my chest. "I'm glad that we're sitting here."

She's silent for a moment and her expression is sad. "You're the one who has been avoiding me ever since the day you walked out of the door."

"You could have called."

"And tell you what, Jane?"

I blink and frown again. That was a good jab. Tell me what? Maybe that she's missing me? Maybe that this isn't she wanted things to turn? Maybe that she's sorry and that I should come back home? Maybe that she's sorry and that she wants to be buddy-buddy with me again. No, those are all the things I want to tell her, and took me a hell of an effort not to take my phone and call her, and to tell Maura all those things. "I really miss you." I whisper more to myself and am surprised that I'm feeling a hand on my wrist, making me stop to roll the mug in my hands.

She looks at me with soft eyes. "I miss you, too."

Can I come back home? I swallow the question and furrow my brows. "Can't we ... Can't we be friends again?"

Maura's silence for a moment, and then she's licking her lips. "God, I hope so," she sighs.

But it needs time. I understand and nod slowly.

After we're done with drinking way too much coffee and trying to rekindle our friendship, and started to sound obliged to come up with another topic, I told her that it would be about time to part ways.

"You know, nobody's going to steal me away on the way from your car to my apartment." I state and smile at Maura because she's walking me to the building's entrance.

She's smiling broadly back at me. "You never know."

"I'm not running off either."

"That you can't be sure of, too."

I stop walking and shrug. "I'm not going to ask you if you wanna come up with me cuz I know you won't."

Maura's looking up at the building before she scrunches her nose and shakes her head. "No."

I chuckle and step closer to her. I shrug shyly. "Is it okay if -" My question is cut short and I find myself in a tight hug, my eyes flutter shut and I hug Maura back. I can tell that she needs this as much as I do. After what feels like an eternity, I step back and smile down at her, taking her hand in my own and squeezing it lightly. "Bye, Maura."

It takes a moment before Maura's releasing my hand but she's smiling. "Bye, Jane."

I watch her towards her car but this time it doesn't hurt seeing her walking away. I take a deep breath and my keys out of the pocket of my coat. "It's going to be okay." I tell myself.


	12. Chapter 12

**Hey, guys. Jesus, I hope I can keep this flow up. It's like a dam has been breaking! And thank you for your kind Reviews. And before you are wondering, the dog's breed I've been describing is a Labrador. I can't help it but those are one of my favorites. AND, italics is retrospectively. It actually happened to my Jane and Maura in my story.**

 **Anyway, enjoy,**

 **T73**

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 _Gazing_ _at the bloody ruffle, Jane went to bed. "M_ _aybe he didn't take the body anywhere. Maybe he -_ _," she added, without letting her excitement show_ _, kneeling down and the room became quite after even Kaminski noticed the blood on the ruffle._

 _Jane lifted the ruffle without touching the blood. Before she was able to look underneath the bed, a deep growl made her pulling her hand back._

 _"Shit!" Kaminski scolded and jumped back so hard that he pushed a bedside table against the wall._

 _Jane saw the glint of metal in his hand and realized he had drawn his weapon._

 _"Get out of the way!" He was beside her, pushing her to the side and nearly knocked her over. She grabbed his arm as he aimed ruthlessly to shoot anything that moved under the bed, though he could see nothing. "What the hell are you doing?" She shouted at him._

 _"What the hell do you think?"_

 _"Calm down, Detective Kaminski." Maura said and pulled his gun down._

 _"This dog might be our only witness." Jane stated and knelt down again._

 _"Well, as if the mutt could tell us what happened."_

 _"She's right." Maura's voice was to be heard in the room, her voice was steady as ever. "Dogs can tell us a lot. Let's see if we can tame this one." She looked at Jane._

 _"He's probably injured." Jane stated._

 _"And in shock.'_

 _Korsak stepped up and looked at Kaminski. "Look in the closet and grab some jackets. Something thick. Preferably wool. Something worn that was not washed. Maybe there are some things on the floor." He found a tennis racket on the wall, scanned dresser drawers, and discovered a tie at the back of a closet door, tied one end to the racket's handle, and made a noose with the other._

 _Maura returned with some jackets and spoke to the officer, "See if you can find a few blankets. Detective Kaminski, please stand at the end of the bed and lift the bedspread when we're ready."_

 _Jane wanted to protest at that moment but the doctor's determined expression told her that an objection would more than just fall on deaf ears. And at this time it would be more than inappropriate. Jane silently agreed. Kaminski didn't know that the ME was pregnant, and it didn't concern him at all. She frowned and her eyes fell on Maura's slightly rounded belly, and the blonde's eyes grow wide, telling her silently that there was no room for arguments._

 _Maura handed the Italian a jacket made of expensive wool tweed. Jane sniffed the sleeve. Excellent. A faint scent of perfume still clung to it. She pulled on the jacket and pulled her sleeve down so far that she could hide the fist in it. The tennis racket in hand, she knelt down about two feet away from the bed. Maura crouched next to her as the officer put a quilt and two other blankets on the floor next to her._

 _"Are we ready?" Maura looked at each other. "Okay, Detective Kaminski, lift the bedspread, but slowly."_

 _This time the dog was prepared, with wild eyes and bared teeth, he growled deep and angry. But he didn't attack. He couldn't. Beneath the bloody mass that had once been white fur, Jane saw the wound, a cut above his shoulder that had missed his throat by a hair's breadth. The sticky furl must have had stopped the bleeding temporarily. "It's okay, boy," she reassured the dog in a low voice. "We will help you. Calm down." She moved closer and reached out the sleeve that covered her hand. The dog snapped at it. She backed away and almost lost her balance. "Jesus," she whispered. Jane wondered if she'd lost her mind. She tried not to think about her aversion of syringes, but still wondered if the treatments for rabies still required six injections. She regained her balance, concentrated and tried it slower this time. The dog sniffed at the drooping sleeve and possibly recognized the smell of the owner. The growl turned into a whimper. "It's okay," Jane assured with a soothing voice, not sure if she wanted to convince herself or the dog. She moved slowly closer, tennis racket in the other hand. The tie-sling approached the dog as he watched, whimpering. She let the dog sniff the tie, carefully slipped the noose over his nose and slowly pulled on. The dog didn't resist._

 _"How are we supposed to get him out of there?" The officer was now kneeling beside her._

 _"We fold up one of the blankets and put it next to him." As soon as the officer's hand approached the dog, he growled, trying to snap, struggling against the makeshift muzzle. Finally he tried to jump at the officer. Jane took the opportunity to grab the dog from behind by the collar. She pulled him forward to the blanket and at the same time held the muzzle firmly with the tennis racket. The dog whimpered, and she was immediately worried about having his wound reopened._

 _"Holy shit!" Kaminski said, but this time he didn't draw his gun._

 _"We got him," Korsak said and waved at the young officer. The two men pulled the dog from underneath the bed. "I can drive him to the vet later."_

 _Maura looked at her girlfriend and couldn't hide the smile, Jane rolled her eyes._

 _"Shit." Kaminski was back in combat mood. "All the blood on the door and in the bathtub is probably from the stupid mutt, and we have nothing."_

 _"I would not say that." Maura contradicted. "This is clearly a crime scene, and the owner of the dog may have got the most part of the attack." She watched as Korsak and the officer carried the trembling dog safely wrapped in the blanket, and was glad that both were too busy to realize how difficult it was for her to keep her composure. I suppose the guy there ... ", she pointed to the injured animal, "has tried to intervene in the event. Maybe he has bitten a few times vigorously. Maybe some blood, especially here on the bed, comes from the offender. My people will be able to take a blood sample even though it has been wiped up."_

 _"You think you can allow me to do my own investigation? "Kaminski browbeat her._

 _Jane wiped her hair from her forehead and stepped closer. God, couldn't this guy leave them alone? Then she noticed that she had blood on her hands and now on her forehead and in her hair. When she looked at Korsak, he shook his head at Kaminski and gave him a warning look, as if he was fed up with his arrogance, too. "Yes, of course, the investigation is all yours," said Jane finally, taking a corner of the blanket to help the men transport the wrapped dog. "Undoubtedly, the neighborhood will sleep well today because you're working the case." Kaminski was surprised at her sarcasm and turned red when he realized that none of the men supported him. Jane saw the officer smile, but didn't turn around to make sure Kaminski saw it too._

 _"Stay out of my investigation," he growled at her back, just to have the last word. "Did you hear me, Rizzoli?"_

 _Jane didn't bother to answer the ungrateful bastard. Without them, he wouldn't even have discovered the dog._

 _Maura filled them but then stopped abruptly at the stairs and turned to him. "Oh, Detective Kaminski," she called. "Just one more thing, you should let analyze that lump of clay examined on the steps, unless you've dragged it in yourself and contaminated your crime scene."_

 _Instinctively, Kaminski lifted his right foot and controlled the sole before he became aware of his defensive reaction. Korsak laughed out loud. The officer knew better and contented himself with a big smile. Kaminski turned red again. Maura just turned away and followed the others again._

 _"Nice, Maura." Jane stated with a broad grin. "Very nice."_

 _The blonde huffed and rolled her eyes. "I couldn't stand this knucklehead any longer."_

 _Jane grunted amused and Korsak laughed again._

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I clear my throat and think again that this is a terrible idea. But I also know that Ma has again set the situation up very well. But I also know that Ma means well and doesn't have the ability to stay out of some things. I take a deep breath and knock lightly at the closed door, opening it without waiting. I stick my head into the room and frown as soon as I see Maura sitting at her desk, reading some kind of report. I need a moment because I almost forgot how it felt like seeing her sitting in her office, wearing her white coat. "Um, am I interrupting," I ask as soon as she's looking up at me.

She's smiling broadly at me. "Not at all. Please, come in."

"Okay." I mumble more to myself and step into the office, frowning at the door. I think I better don't close it. Yeah, that's definitely better.

Maura's looking long at me. "To what do I owe the honor off this visit?"

I roll my eyes and sigh, holding up a brown paper bag. "I guess Ma's thinking that you're about to starve. She asked me to drop lunch."

She's raising her eyebrows high and nods slowly. "That is very ... sweet of her. I've been very busy lately." She looks long at me and points at one of the chair that's standing in front of her desk. "Please, have a seat."

Now my brows shoot up and I sit down, placing the bag in front of her. "What's ... keeping you so busy that you don't have the time for eating lunch ... or dinner?" As soon as those words leave my mouth I want to take them and stuff them back down my throat. It's been a month since Maura and I had the coffee together, and since then I heard some things ... rumors. Rumors about Maura seeing someone. And that's fine with me. Totally fine! Yeah, sure. Who am I shitting? Actually I'm not fine with it, but I'm not here to pick a fight.

Her expression is unreadable. "Work, mostly."

I nod slowly and sigh loudly, pursing my lips. "Mostly." I am such a idiot, Maura has every right to go on. I mean, I didn't even try to fix our relationship, our broken relationship, but neither did Maura. Maybe we really had reached the point of no return and breaking up was the only right thing to do. I mean, maybe I led us to believe that we'd get through this together. To be fair, I really believed it. Apparently I was wrong, and the thought of Maura being happy with someone else ... It's killing me. Ma told me that Maura is seeing a guys named Andrew Higgins, accidentally, and she regretted it the moment I was staring in disbelief at her. This Andrew guy is the reason why I was avoiding Maura. I didnt want to appear to begrudge Maura just because she found someone she can be happy with, and because I am not able to do the same. God, I am such a idiot. What was I thinking when I agreed to come here? That Maura would let me in on her new relationship? That she'd owe me an explanation? That she maybe could give me an advice how to continue with my own life. How to forget? I nearly jump up to my feed and avoid Maura's eyes. "I ... uh ... I should go again. Enjoy your meal."

"Jane -"

Her saying my name makes me swirl around and I can't keep my anger at Bay anymore. "Is it so easy for you to walk out on me?" I growl loud and the color is draining from Maura's face, her eyes are huge. "Is it so easy for you to walk out on me and pretend like nothing happened? Like we never happened?" Okay, I thought I'm only growling. Apparently I am yelling because several heads of lab techs are turning to Maura's office, but I can't keep it in anymore. This Andrew guy was just the last straw.

Maura's up to her feet in no time and she shuts the door, and the blinds. "Would you please keep your voice down?" She hisses.

"No! No, I can't!"

Maura's face is angry, and confused, and she's pointing at me. "You have been the one who left our relationship." She replies louder and all I can do is snorting. "You left me the morning I confronted you with the engagement ring."

"No, you accused me of being tactless!"

"I never did that. And you know that!"

I clench my fists and glare at her. I still see her look the moment she found out that I had an engagement ring. "You looked at me like I asked you to try again. Like I asked you to forget and to try have another baby." I pause and grit my teeth. "It was -"

"Only in your mind." Maura cuts me off and she's holding my gaze. "I was ... It was overwhelming that moment I found the box laying on the coffee table, but I knew that you would never ask to marry you while we've been grieving. And maybe what you thought you've been seeing was what I was wishing for." I am silent and she's dropping her arms to her sides. "Not right after ... and not anytime soon after we'd have gotten through this together, but ... in the future. But then you decided to end our relationship."

"You never said any of this." I reply and my head is spinning.

"Because you broke up with me that morning. Because you left me, Jane."

"I am not the bad guy in this," I growl warningly at her. "I am not."

Maura's shaking her head and steps closer to me. "No, you're not, Jane. Taylor O'Keefe is the bad guy. The person who ruined our lives, our relationship. **Us**."

What the hell is happening right now? Did Maura Isles really learned to tell me how she's feeling, what she's wanting in the time we haven't been a couple? I'm not giving in so easily even though I am really longing for her. "I asked you if you still love me."

And up her walls are again. She turns her back to me. "I know."

Anger is bubbling up and I furl my eyebrows, and raise my voice. I don't give a damn that we're in her office. "And you said that you loved me."

"I know."

"You said you loved me, and I asked you if you still love me, and you didn't answer my question right away."

"You didn't give me the chance -"

"Maura, it's a question you don't have to think about." I yell at her and she swirls around again. "Either you love someone or you don't! Do you ... Do you love this Andrew guy?"

Surprise is written all over her face. "How -"

My shoulders slump and my voice is sounding jaded. "Ma told me about him."

Maura closes her eyes and I know that she's torn between crying and yelling. "I can't believe it."

"It wasn't her fault." I say and my voice is soft. "It slipped out of her mouth. If I'd already met your new ... suitor."

A smile is tugging on her lips. "She did not say suitor."

I blink a couple of times clench my jaw. "No," I grumble. "Actually she said worshiper."

She's stepping closer and I have to force myself not to look at her very tempting lips. "Actually Andrew and I have been friends for a very long time."

"For how long?"

"College."

"You didn't marry him, too, did you?"

A laugh escapes from her throat. I mean, a real laugh. That kind that has been token away from her by Taylor O'Keefe. " **No**!"

I furrow my brows. "You sure? I mean ... the last time a man of your past showed up turned out to be your husband, and a prime suspect of a murder."

Is she really still stepping closer to me with a seductive glint in her eyes. "You've always be the one who told me that I would have a bad taste in men."

I literally holding my breath and force myself to stand still. I won't back down now. If Maura wants this, really wants this, she has to go the extra mile. I am not some sort of you that you throw away after you got what you wanted. "True."

Her voice is dropping and she's the one who's looking down at my lips, I suppress a whimper. "You sound jealous."

Jane, stand your ground. You can do this. "About what?" I asked in a hushed voice.

She shrugs and looks up at me. "About the person I might be with in the future. Are you? Jealous?"

"I'd be a blockhead if I wouldn't." Well, so much about standing my ground, but sometimes you need to concede before things are getting better. "What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Maura." Don't you dare avoiding the question.

There is the look I haven't seen for a very long time. Hurt is washing over her face like it did back in the time we haven't been together. Back then I showed up with some random woman and Maura had to force a smile on her face. It seemed like she had to force herself to like the woman at all. It's a look like I've taken all joy from her life. Her eyes drop shut and she sighs heavily. "I ... It's ... I ... It ..."

What? It never occurred to you that I start to live my life again at some point? It never occurred to you that I won't grief you for the rest of my life? It never occurred to you that someone else would want to be with me but you? That someone else but you could love me? That I couldn't love someone else like I love you? "Maura." Okay, now I'm begging because I need to hear it, I need to know how she's feeling about it if we are with someone else in a relationship. I mean it, I don't want to lose her at all. I want us to be best friends again. I know I can't lose her because that literally would kill me.

"It would hurt." She says and pulls me out of my train of thought. "It would hurt so much if I'd see you with someone who makes you happy. Probably is more able to make you happy then I was."

"You made me happy, Maura." I whisper and sound defeated.

"As you made me."

Made, not make. Past, not present. I can handle this. I can deal with it. We had a wonderful time. I frown as soon as she takes my hand in hers. "You deserve someone who makes you happy, Jane."

Hello? You made me happy! I don't need anyone but you! I want to shout that at her, but I don't. I want to wrap my arms tightly around her and never ever let go again, but I don't. I want to kiss her hard right here and right now, but I don't. I want to rip off her clothes right here in her office, but I don't. I want to smile or at least nod, but I can't. But I feel my eyes tearing up. "You never answered my question if you still love me." Why am I doing this to me?

Maura's planning her hands on my chest and kisses my cheek that's lingering. I close my eyes because I know what it means. "I love you so much that it hurts." She whispers and I exhale shakily. "And right now we're making our lives miserable if we're around each other, that's why we can't be."

I sob, and I don't give a fuck that shr can hear it, or anyone else nearby. I don't give a fuck because her words hurt, and they're true, and she's finally honest. And I have to respect them. I am suddenly crying because reality is hitting me hard, and she's crying even though she's kissing me this time to say goodbye. It's sweet and gentle, and I don't want it to end. It seems like neither does Maura and I start to pull her lab coat off her shoulders. Just one last time -

"No," she suddenly says and steps away from me. "No."

I am confused and my eyes are unfocused like they're trying to review the moment I've goofed. "I'm sorry, I thought -"

"Don't you dare apologizing, Jane Rizzoli." She cuts me off harshly and cups my face with her hands, forcing me to look straight in her eyes. "You didn't do anything wrong!"

I furrow my brows and start to ramble, "I was supposed to drop your lunch of and not ... not to pick a fight ... Apparently I am not good at this job, too. I -" My eyes flutter shut the moment she's silencing me with another kiss. It feels like she needs it as much as I do, and I let her take the lead. I frown a little the moment she pulls back but lean my forehead against hers. "Probably it's the best to shut my mouth, take this as my tip and head out."

Maura's frowning, too, but then she starts to grin. "Yes."

I nod and take the glue, leaving her office again. I sigh heavily. Maybe there's still hope.


	13. Chapter 13

**Hey, guys. Just a short note before you get confused. The underlined part of this chapter is a dream of Jane.**

 **I hope you enjoy this anyway.**

 **T73.**

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I know it sounds stupid but the incident with Maura in her office, it made me thinking. Okay, that's half true, truth is that being back at the morgue made me realize how much I miss my work, and how much I miss Maura. That's why I asked Cavanaugh if I could come back. He happily agreed, but that doesn't mean that the Chief Medical Examiner and I stopped avoiding each other. She signed Kent to a case I've been working on, and I always asked Korsak to go down to the morgue every time Maura had been forced to work with me. Well, Life isn't always a bowl of cherries.

However, Korsak caughts me standing in the elevator staring at the door absentmindedly every now and then, asking me if I'm okay. I always say that I am. And I truly am because nothing has changed at the office and no one is looking pitiful at me because of what Maura and I had been through. Nothing has changed!

But this case is getting the best of me, not only because it is the first I'm leading a investigation again but because it is obvious that a woman is suffering of Munchausen syndrome by proxy and poisoned her newborn girl bit by bit. It's not just because I have lost my child, though. No, absolutely not. It's getting the best of me because this case involves a life that never got the chance to develop, and because it was her own mother who killed her. I make my way down to the morgue and push the door to the autopsy room open, watching Maura to clean her workspace up. "Hey."

She smiles sweetly at me. "Hi."

"I ... um -"

"I'm okay, Jane." She states with her back turned to me.

I frown. "Are you? Because ... cuz I am not."

She's still not looking at me. "Jane, we didn't kill our child on purpose."

"We didn't kill our child at all." I reply louder and finally she's turning to me. "Taylor O'Keefe killed our baby." She shakes her head. "What? What is it?"

"Actually I killed our baby. My body chipped off our baby."

Jesus! What the fuck? Is she really blaming herself for trying to stay alive? Is she actually starting to talk to me for real? "To keep you alive, Maura." I know that this case made it difficult for her as well. "And this mother did this to her baby because she wanted to attract attention."

"MSbP is a condition where a caregiver or spouse fabricates, exaggerates, or induces mental or physical health problems in those who are in their care, with the primary motive of gaining attention or sympathy from others. The name is derived from the term Munchausen syndrome, a psychiatric factitious disorder wherein those affected feign disease, illness, or psychological trauma to draw attention, sympathy, or reassurance to themselves."

"Yeah, I know," I say with a nod.

"However, unlike Munchausen syndrome -" she trails off and frowns.

"I just wanted to check on you."

"Thank you, Jane."

"You're welcome."

"This case must have been hard for you, because - it was your first since a while."

"It's tough but nothing I can't handle." Liar!

"Are you going to the Robber later?"

I shrug and shove my hands into my trouser's pockets. "As always. You're welcome to join us."

Maura's pressing her lips together. "I'll pass this time."

I saw this coming, that's why I'm not disappointed anymore. I invite her every single day but she's always turning me down. "See you in the morning, Doctor."

"You will, Detective." She says and I leave without turning back at her.

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I laugh heartily at Nina after she told how afraid Frankie was and how he flinched everytime someone asked for Detective Rizzoli before he understood that they've been asking for him.

They're tell me that they'll get the next round and I wave them off because I know it'll take them forever. Worst waiter, ever! I sip my beer and choke as someone squeezes themselves into the booth. "Are you doing this on purpose?"

I look at the woman and frown. "What?"

Claire's staring at me like she's about to murder me. "Are you shutting Maura out on purpose?"

I blink and my frown deepen. "No!" I reply with an high-pitched voice. "No, not at all. I ask her every single night to join us but she turns me down."

Claire looks long at me like she's trying to size me up.

"Oh, **come on**!" I groan and roll my eyes. "I am not always the bad guy. You know me, Claire."

"That's the problem."

I chuckle and start to peel off the label of my beer. "I don't know what Maura told you." I pause and furrow my eyebrows. "Why exactly are you back in Boston?"

She looks scandalized at me. "Because I'm your friend!"

"You're Maura's friend, and a shrink." I groan because she glares at me. "Alright, you're my friend, too."

"Is it that hard to admit that you have a shrink as a friend?"

"Yes," I growl playfully. "Because I always feel even more worse after I talked to you." I turn serious again.

She's reading me and I hate it. "You always invite Maura to join you?"

"Always, yeah."

"And you always want her to come?"

"Yeah."

"You sure?"

"Before Maura and I became a couple, we were best friends."

She smiles at me and furrow her brows. "That doesn't answer my question, Jane."

"Long story short," I ask back and raise my hand to place my order. "I wouldn't be the same person without Maura. Neither of us would, Claire."

"You sure of that?"

I look long at her. "I have to say, you're an awful shrink." I say and she laughs heartily.

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 **I** **painfully feel my heartbeat in my chest. Korsak disappeared in another street. I follow without hesitation and without slowing the pace. The alley is unusually narrow, barely wide enough for a normal vehicle. The high brick buildings don't let in any light. The moon is just a narrow sickle. Only a few bare bulbs, many broken, provide light form rickety rear doors. With slightly narrowed eyes, I look into the dark corners and try to hear more than my own heartbeat. I already breathe too hard for such a short sprint. My skin is wet. Every fiber in my body seems to be on alert. My muscles are tense. Where did Frankie and Korsak go? They were just seconds behind me! Something is moving behind me. I turn around, my Glock close to my body, aiming, ready to strech down the Burger King's empty cup. I see the wind shaking it and try to calm down.** _ **Relax. Focus. Stay calm**_ **. I turn away, my gun firmly in my hand. Again, I listen hard to hear more than just the rushing in my ears. The cold night air makes me shiver again. Breathing deliberately, so prevent my gaps. I gasp with fear, not because of exhaustion. Damn! I actually didn't want to let him upset me.**

 **Carefully, I continue in slow steps. The cobblestones are old with uneven, partly cracked stones. The danger of stumbling and becoming vulnerable is great. Nevertheless, I don't look down, but let my eyes wander incessantly, though it is difficult to see beyond ten and fifteen yards. Is it getting dark, or am I just imagining that? My scrutinizing gaze wanders over piles of crates, black doorways, rusty fire escapes, anything O'Keefe can use as a hiding place or sanctuary. This time I doesn't let myself be conned. Where the hell is Frankie? I'd like to call, but the risk is too high. Did we both take a different path? No, I'm sure I turned around this corner into this alley.**

 **Further ahead, I see an open area on which two cars are parked. A dumpster, however, covers my view of the entire area. Behind me are steps to hear. From the open space I hear muffled voices. I press myself against a dirty brick wall, and slowly sneak ahead. My chest hurts, my palms are wet. But I hold the gun, the barrel lowered to the ground. I reach the end of the building, but I can not get any further and crouch down behind the dumpster. Where the hell are Korsak and my brother? I try to see through the darkness the end of the alley. Nothing. The voices in front of me become clearer.**

 **"Wait a minute." I recognize Korsak's voice. "What the hell are you doing?"**

 **I am waiting, but there is no answer to his question. If O'Keefe has a knife, I can't see the danger until it's too late. I look out and see the back of the leather jacket. Good. He looks the other way and won't see me coming. But how close is he to Korsak? Behind me are loud steps on the pavement to hear. From my hideout I can't warn the person with a show of hands. Damn it! Every second O'Keefe will hear the footsteps, too, if it's not already too late. I have to do it now, it's the only chance.**

 **In one swift movement, I leap out from behind the container, standing with my legs apart, both arms outstretched, aiming for the back of the man's head. It's only when I raise my voice that I see O'Keefe wince.**

 **"Don't you move or I'll put a bullet in your head!"**

 **"Jane," she heard Korsak say.**

 **Finally I can see him. He stands close to the house, a shadow obscuring his head. Since O'Keefe is standing between us, I don't know whether Korsak has pulled his weapon or not. Instead, I concentrate on me on my target, not three yards away.**

 **"Jane, stop," Korsak says but still doesn't move.**

 **Is O'Keefe pointing a gun at him?**

 **"Drop everything and get down, hands behind your head. Now!" My own voice stardles me as it echos back from the stone walls.**

 **Finally O'Keefe moves, but not as I commanded. He turns around slowly and grins almost diabolically at me, I lower my weapon for a millisecond when I see why Korsak didn't intervene. Scared hazel eyes are staring at me and I feel the color drain from my face. I nearly drop my gun now. O'Keefe holds Maura pressed close to his body, his left hand graps her throat like a vise, in his right he holds a kind of hunting knife, he does not speak a word only grins. Then he raises the said knife and Maura sobs. That's the last sound I hear from her. O'Keefe watches me closely and with a precise hand movement he slides the blade of the knife over Maura's throat. The cut is deep enough to make sure Maura has no chance, but not deep enough to finish her suffering fast. The only things I can do is watching.**

 **"NO!" I cry out the moment he slits her throat.**

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My eyes snap open and I can feel my entire body shake. This is not reality, it didn't happened, this was just a dream. I have to close my eyes again so I can calm down. I just need a moment to understand ... this isn't my couch, neither is this my place. What the hell? I open my eyes again and frown as soon as a glass of water appears in front of me. I take it and look at a very healthy, and very much alive Maura and I start to understand that the snitch Claire must have dropped me of at Maura's. Okay, to be fair, drinking with Claire can cause some side effects. Probably I told her in my drunken state that I actually don't won't to be alone at all. I sit up with a groan. "Thank you." I mumble into the glass.

"You're welcome." Maura replies and sits down on one of her armchairs. "The case got to you?"

I run the fingers of my right hand over my eyes and groan again. "Seems like everything is getting to me this time, but ... yeah, that one wasn't what I'd call easy."

Maura's silent and nods slowly. "I am not a person who's judging someone because of what they're doing or because of what they have done -"

"But you don't understand why a parent, who's supposed to love and protect their child, can such a thing like Lauren Chandler did to her child."

She smiles weakly and whispers, "Yes."

I sigh. "Me neither, Maura."

She's watching me closely. "It didn't sound like you've been having a very pleasant dreams."

How do I sound like if I have a pleasant one? Has she ever heard it if I had ... Nah, I don't wanna know, that would be embarrassing. "It's a nightmare I'm having a lot lately." Ever since Taylor O'Keefe happened, I don't tell her that. "And every time I have it I try to change the outcome, but it doesn't work. It always ends with -" I don't finish the sentence because I know she knows what I'm going to say. I clear my throat and place the glass on the coffee table. "I'm going to call a cab. I don't even know why Claire dropped me off at your place."

"Because she didn't want to pat you down in the state of yours."

"I would have never -" I reply with my eyes wide but trail off as soon as Maura starts to chuckle.

"She just wanted to make sure that you'll be alright, and still breathing in the morning." She takes a deep breath. "And it's also late already, you can stay if you want to."

I take a deep breath and sink back down on the couch. "Okay, thank you." Now I frown. "And I didn't mean to wake you."

"You didn't." She says and gets up to her feet. "I was going to check up on you anyway. You know the way to the guest room."

Yeah, I do by heart. I close my eyes and run my hands through my hair. "He's killing you every single time." God, why do I have to say it and I can tell that she's frozen even though she was about to leave for bed.

"I'm sorry?"

"Taylor O'Keefe. He's killing you every time in the dream I had." I hear Maura walking back to the couch.

"Why didn't you tell me about it earlier," she asks and sits down next to me.

I scoff humorles. "Because your haunted by this bastard yourself. You had to spent days with him."

"Yes, I am haunted by him." She agrees and turns to me. "But just because I have been in this shed it doesn't mean that you are less haunted than I am."

I dare to look Maura in the eyes, and I dare to let her see what I've been feeling that time, those days. "After we figured out that he had take you, I thought I have lost you once and for all." I whisper and she's holding her breath. "I thought so because ... I, we have seen what he did to his victims, and the only thought I had was that I bring you back in a body bag, tortured to death, raped and fouled up beyond all recognition. I -" I pause and Maura closes her eyes. "The moment we got to know that he had you, I knew that we only had a time window of forty-eight hours before he'd ... kill you and dispose your body like it would be trash on the roadside. And I knew how much he'd enjoy the things he'd to you before killing you." I watch her closely because I'm not sure if she wants to hear it, or if she's ready to hear it. But she doesn't tell me to shut up. "And I knew that he wouldn't make it easy for us to come and get you, dead or alive, we all knew. Korsak, Frankie, Nina, the whole BPD. All of us had been looking for you with no exception. Even Cavanaugh didn't go home the time you had been missing, neither of us really slept, Maura. New cases has been put aside because we all knew that one of us was still out there, waiting for us to come and get her, waiting for us to bring her back home. And the day we found out that he was hiding in a shed, and got there, neither of us expected to find you alive. Either of us wanted to find O'Keefe and put a bullet in his head, no matter if he'd surrender or not. It took Korsak and Frankie all their willpower not to pull the trigger that day."

"Would you?"

"Kill him?"

"Yes?"

"Without batting an eyelash." I answer truthfully and she believes it. "But I also knew that you would have hate me for it because then we couldn't have brought him to account for what he have done to much more lives."

Maura's swallowing hard and she nods. "Yes, you are right. Then I would have been very mad."

A small smile hush over my lips and I sigh. "That's why I didn't go in until I heard over the radio that they found you, and that you were alive, barely but alive. That's when I get in and got you. I wanted to see you, feel you."

Maura's slipping her hand into mine and I don't pull away. "And if he would have killed me?"

I close my eyes and squeeze her hand, tight. "I'd have gone in that shed anyway. To see it for myself, that you are no longer. I probably had find a pulse and forced a paramedic to work on you until I would have believed that you're really gone. But you are not, you are alive."

Her smile is sweet and reassuring. "Yes, I am. I am very alive."

I look long at her and doubts start to cloud my mind. "Or is this just a dream? That you are still with me and in fact I'm pushing reality to the back of my mind?" It wouldn't be the first time and I know that I'm very good at it. Did Maura die in reality and what I thought is a nightmare, is a piece of memory?

"I'm right here." Maura says and suddenly she places my hand over her beating heart, it's strong, and steady, and soothing. "I'm right here, Jane. I'm alive."

"I can't stand losing you." I whisper but the tears are evident in my voice. "We've already lost so much, I can't stand losing you, too." Before I know what's actually happen, I find myself in a tight and loving hug. It's almost suffocating me but I don't mind it because it's Maura who's killing me. My Maura, my sweet Maura, my sweet, loving Maura. My best friend Maura.

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The moment I wake up I groan. God I hate Claire for real because my head is still buzzing. Thank God it's weekend. I want to stretch my arms over my head and freeze, my right arm is tightly held in place. I open my eyes and stare at the back of a blonde's head. I know it can't be Claire because she's a redhead, and because I still remember that I have been dropped off at Maura's. Okay, I remember that but I remember that she and I had a very emotional talk after I a nightmare had woken me. And I also remember that I wondered that Maura's death was reality and her being alive just a dream. I furrow my brows and look down at myself. Thank God, I'm still dressed. And thank God, Maura's still wearing her PJ's. Right, I remember. Maura was the one who took my hand at some point and led me upstairs to the guest room and laid down with me. We didn't kiss, though. We didn't even talk, we just laid down and held each other, comfort each other until sleep finally took over.

My body relaxes again and I sink back down.

Maura turns to me and frowns. "You seem disappointed that we actually just slept."

What the - I scoff and furrow my eyebrows. "I just recalled how we ended up sharing the same bed. I hope I didn't try to -" As far as I know -

"I was the one who wrapped your arm around me."

Thank God.

"But after I did so, you haven't let go off me."

"Are **you** disappointed?" Eh?

"I like it when you're sober." She whispers and I feel a tug on my shirt. My heart skips a beat when she's looking at my lips and I'm barely able to hold still. I force my eyes to stay open the moment Maura's hands sliding underneath my shirt. "Maura, I don't think it would be a good idea if we -"

"I don't want this to be a one-off to relieve some tension, Jane." She whisper and holds my gaze. "I want is to be like we've been before all this happened. But if you need time or even have to think about it -"

I am honest with her. "I have a lot to think about."

She hesitates but then she's gently rolling me onto my back, straddling my hips. She looks down at me and I hold my breath. "I know that you're strong enough for pushing me off."

I clench my jaw because I know that, too. With ease. Instead, I swallow hard and place my hands carefully on her thoughts, and I feel her quiver. My eyes are rolling back in my head the moment she starts to kiss down my neck gently and my hands wander involuntarily to her back, underneath the fabric of her top. "I want is to be the way we've been before all this has happened to us, Jane." She breathes against my skin and I want it, too. "I know we can't forget, but we can try to go on."

A moan escapes my throat as she keeps going. "Maura!"

She looks down at me with worried eyes. "Unless ... unless you don't want to anymore. Then we can forget about this tomorrow."

I hold her look and my heart is breaking. I believe all of what she has said. For the first time since a while and I pull her head down, kissing her gently and she whimpers. Not because of list but because it makes her understand that I still haven't give up on us.

Maura's starting to kiss along my jaw. "I love you so much, Jane."

I close my eyes and a year runs down my cheek. Not because I need to hear her say it, because this time it feels like she truly means it. And I'm not ashamed of my tears the moment she looks at me, not at all. I close my eyes as soon as she's sipping them off and kiss her back the second I feel her lips on mine. "I love you so much."

I love you too. I want to say it but something's stopping me right now. I frown once more when she's smiling down at me, not complaining that I don't say the words back. Maura's starting to unbutton her top but I stop her from doing so. Now there's worry written over her face. "No," I growl hungrily. "Let me!"

A broad smile appears on her lips and I start to undo painfully slowly the buttons of her top, kissing her in the same time.


	14. Chapter 14

**Hey guys. At least it didn't take THAT long for the next chapter! And thank you for the reviews, they always mean so much to me. Thanks again:)**

 **I hope you'll enjoy the new chapter.**

 **Enjoy,**

 **T73**

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I still sleep soundly as I feel a motion subconscious, and my brain is highly alarmed. It immediately know what's happening and I tighten my grip so she can't sneak out of the bed because she's regretting everything that has happened last night, at least for another thirty minutes. She's trying to get out of my hold which makes me tighten my grip even more, but not that much that it'll hurt her. I can hear a light chuckle of Maura and growl playfully so she knows that I am awake, too.

"Jane," she says in a hushed voice. "please let go of me."

I shake my head, even though I know that she can't see it. "No!" I growl, standing my ground.

Maura's tugging at my arm. "Jane, please, I have to -"

I open my eyes and lift my head a little, furrowing my brows and staring at the back of her head. "You're not running from me again. I won't let you!" I say with finality and I mean it.

Maura's turning her head a little and I can make a hint of frown out. "It's an emergency, Jane."

"There's no emergency in the world that's big enough for me to let go off you."

She's quiet for a moment and I'm sure that she's pondering her words. "I have to pee." She says in no uncertain terms.

Oh! OH! I finally let go of her and clear my throat. "Sorry," I breathe.

She turns to me and smiles broadly at me before she's kissing me gently. "I'll be back in a minute." She states against my lips.

I grunt. "Take all the time you need." And I'm wincing the second she slaps my shoulder playfully. I ask laughingly, "What?"

She's rolling out of the bed and walks toward the en-suite bathroom with a huff.

I turn onto my back and stare up the ceiling. I actually know that she isn't mad because of my statement and that she isn't mad because I told her that I won't let her run once again. Truth be told, I actually think that she's relieved that I told her that I won't let her run again. Perhaps ... perhaps that's something she needed to know right from the beginning. That I am here to catch her in her darkest hours but apparently I was too busy with wallowing in self-pity. The realization hits me hard and I have to close my eyes before I start to curse out loud or slapping myself all over again until she tells me to stop. And that probably would happen never. Okay, to be fair, I was grieving, too. And I am not a person who's talking about heartstrings, I'm a person who's trying to bottle them up, and I'm very successful at that. It doesn't mean that this trait is doing any good. Quite the contrary, I know that this trait is hurting those people who care for me, and for whom I care the most. I understand that now ... Well, better late than never. I hear a sound coming from the bathroom and I'm afraid that Maura locked herself up in the room to punish herself for giving in last night. I turn my head in the direction, ready to jump out of the bed and telling Maura that everything is okay. I frown as soon I see her standing at the door and my eyes travel down her naked body involuntarily. At the beginning of our relationship this made Maura blush slightly but I kept staring boldly at her, memorizing every inch of her body and every single freckle. With some time she stopped blushing and asked me with a sly smile if I'd like what I'm seeing. Every single time the only answer that crossed my mind was hell, yeah. And after we crossed that line she simply strolled over and straddled my hips and we started again where we stopped. That's what she's doing now, strolling over and straddling my hips and I place my hands immediately on her bare thighs, trying to keep her gaze. She doesn't flinch and I let my hands wander up her sides and to her back. This I'm doing without any ulterior motives, really. It's something I'm doing every time it's clear to me that the two of us need nothing more than just the touch of one another, it's not sexual, just comforting, and something we haven't done anymore ever since ... Nope, I'm not going there right now.

She's tracing my jaw with her fingers, and my throat, and my collarbone, and I'm holding my breath. Not because I'm afraid that Maura's going to hurt me, I know she would never on purpose, but I want to memorize the moment because I don't know when this will happen again, or if it's going to happen again. I can see the love and the pain in her eyes and I clench my jaw for the tiniest bit of a second. Maura sees that and then she kissing me gently.

I kiss her back and my hands wander up her back. I can tell that the kiss is telling me that she won't go anywhere anymore.

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After Maura and I got ready for the day we went down into the kitchen. Honestly, I didn't know that I still had some stuff at this place, obviously the day I packed my things, I've been all churned up inside and left some of my things at her house. Luckily, otherwise I'd to drive to my place before heading to the precinct and that's something I didn't want to do at all. Ma had been in the kitchen when we came down and in her eyes was a glimmer of hope but before she could ask something we didn't want to talk about to her, Claire bursted in here and ushered her out, telling us that she invited Ma for breakfast at a diner. Ma wanted to protest but Claire didn't give her chance to. Jesus, I really like this woman, and it's better this way before Ma can ask something that neither Maura not I want to answer right now, and before I get the chance to say things I don't want to say, or don't intend to say the way they sure as hell would come out of my mouth, wounding.

Maura and I are preparing breakfast together but neither of us is saying a word. Not because we're embarrassed that we've been together last night but because either of us is caught in our very own train of thought. Meanwhile we got ready for the day I told Maura that I intend to see Taylor O'Keefe one more time, but this time at BPD. My playground, and this time we're playing the game by my rules, not his. Maura was silent and staring at me for what felt like hours, then she told me that she'd attend this foregather. I tried to convince her no to and that I think it would be a bad idea. Instead, she convicted me that it is to find some closure and that she won't be in the same room, but would watch everything from the operation room. With that I can live because I know that she won't be alone. Either Frankie or Korsak is going to be with her the whole time. I haven't figured that part out yet. Maybe it'll be the best if Nina's staying with her.

I needed an entire week to convince Cavanaugh to bring O'Keefe from the super-max to BPD, which I totally understand in hindsight of the encounters with Hoyt. But O'Keefe is not Hoyt. Okay, he's smart but not that smart. And I am well-equipped for all eventualities. As for instance, O'Keefe doesn't know that he'll be brought to BPD today, to make sure that he doesn't have the time to put a escape plan together, and all of us maintained silence about the transfer and if someone's trying to lib him, we know that it was a inside job and there are limited people who know about the scheme and it'll be easy to eliminate the conspirator. O'Keefe should be at BPD at ... I look at my watch and raise my eyebrows a little. By now. I don't care, I'll have breakfast first, he can rot in custody.

I'm doing this because there are still some open questions. For example, why he has chosen Maura and if there are still victims out there we don't know about or at least I wanna try to give the identity of some of his victims back and closure and certainty to their families, and I wanna know why he has done all of this at all. During his first interviews he'd answered only in fits and starts, and at some point not at all anymore. But he tried to get inside of the head of the questioning detective, and at some point it worked. But not this time, he won't ruffle me, on the contrary, I'm going to ruffle him this time. I'm prepared for him, but Maura isn't and I'm afraid that this incident is going to reopen old sores. And I have seen in her eyes that she also need some answers without being in the same room with him.

Maura's bumping into me and I blink a couple of times, frowning at her cuz she's as much lost in thoughts than I am.

She blinks as well and looks apologetically at me. "I'm sorry."

My frown deepens. "For what?"

She bumps into me again, this time on purpose and with a smile and I roll my eyes. "I'll survive you for that."

"Good luck with that," she replies and wants to pass me.

I'm faster and take carefully her wrist in my hand, pulling her against my body. "You don't have to do this, Maura." I state with a soft voice.

She's placing her hands on my chest and sighs heavily. I can tell that she's fighting an inner battle. "Neither do you, Jane." I open my mouth to disagree but she stops me from doing so."I need answers, too, just as you do. I won't be in the interrogation room and as soon as it becomes too much, I'll leave."

I nod briefly and furrow my brows. "You won't be alone, I'll make sure of it."

She gives me a peck on my lips and I sigh as soon as she turns away from me. I know that today's going to be interesting.

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Korsak is standing next to Maura in the observation room and looks worriedly at her and then at me. "You're sure you wanna see this?"

She's staring through the one-way mirror and her arms are wrapped tightly around her middle like she's trying to shield herself from Taylor O'Keefe, who's sitting jauntily at the metal table, he's even whistling every now and then like he's waiting for the bus or a cab. He doesn't know that she's watching her and I sure as hell won't tell him that. She nods slowly even though she's tense. "I have to hear what he has to say about ... Why he has abducted me. I need to understand it."

"Sometimes there is no logical explanation, Maura." I say as gentle as possible and she's glancing at me now.

"I know that, Jane."

I know she knows and that's she's hoping that he has chosen her for some things she has done during the investigation.

Korsak turns to me and Nina. "Are you sure that you wanna do this?"

I huff and weight the thick manila folder in my hand. "No, but I have to."

Nina nods her approval. I have asked her to go in with me instead of Frankie and she agreed almost immediately and Frankie was angry about it. I have no clue where he is at the moment.

Why I've asked for Nina instead of my brother or Korsak? The answer is simple. In case I do lose control for a moment, I know she won't hold me back like Frankie would. And I didn't ask Korsak because I know Maura's going to need all the feeling of being safety she can get during the interview and I also know that Korsak is giving her that feeling.

I give Maura's shoulder a light squeeze as I pass her and look at Nina. "Let's get this done."

She nods again and follows me. I don't know if she's going to ask questions herself, we didn't talk it over.

Nina stops at the door to the interrogation room and looks long at me. "Ready?" She opens said door when I nod and enters the room first.

I can hear the scraping of the chair O'Keefe is sitting on and I clench my jaw.

"You are new." He says and I can tell that he's eying her with a filthy smile.

I shut the door noisily and he turns his head to me, smirking. "And you seem to miss me."

Nina sits down without saying a word and I drop the manila folder on the table, sitting down on the free chair beside her. "Don't be too full of yourself." I reply and his smile drops for a split second.

He's staring at me and leans forward. "How's the family doing? Maura? The baby?"

My eyes snap up and I have to resist the urge to clench my hands or even my jaw. He's trying to start the mind games already but I won't jump at it but he thinks otherwise and leans back in his chair, laughing. "Oh, right! There is no baby anymore. I forgot. I wanted to sent you my sincerest condolences but my possible ways are limited."

I take a deep breath and don't react about his statement. I lick my lips and scrutinize him. "You're here because I have some questions."

He's broadly smiling now. "I'll answer all your questions in detail."

I open the folder and pretend to look for a photo. "I'm glad you said that." I state calmly and take a crime scene photo out of it that shows a decomposed body of a woman. We have found her in a deep grave in the near of the cottage where he held Maura hostage. I shove the photo towards him and his faces makes a slip. "This is one of the graves we found in the close area around your cottage we arrested you in."

His expression turns dark. "I already told your colleagues, I do not own that cottage."

"Doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is that you obviously locked your victims in this house, tortured them inside of it before you killed them."

"You can't prove any of this." He snorts.

Oh, shut the fuck up! But I bite my tongue and frown a little, at least he's talking to me the way he's supposed to. He truly still believes that he's getting out of this as soon as his trail starts. Apparently he isn't as smart as we thought, or as smart as he think he is. He isn't in a super-max for no reason. It's just a question what kind of sentence he gets, unfortunately Massachusetts doesn't have death penalty. I'm tapping on the photo of the unknown woman. "Can you recall her name?"

He has a long close look at the photo and runs his fingers over the poor woman's remains and I want to break every single finger of his. I look long at him and notice the faint smile on his lips. It looks like he's recalling every single second of her torment and of her death, and I feel like I'm about to throw up. All of a sudden he shoves said photo back to me. "I can't say that I recognize her."

"Maybe you can tell us if she's this woman." Nina suddenly says and takes another picture of a woman out of the folder, and I'm a little surprised. The picture shows a woman in her late thirties. She has a pale complexion, wavy blond hair worn long, and gray eyes. "That's Madison Hunt, your last girlfriend who is nowhere to be found after she broke up with you. Maybe ... you couldn't handle her decision, maybe she found out what's your little, dirty secret and told you to turn yourself in or she'll go and drop a dime on you. That was something you couldn't let happen and killed her in the heat of passion?"

I have to admit, she furnish him a fit occasion. Now he simply has to take the bait.

O'Keefe leans towards her and snarls at her, "I have no fucking idea where Madison Hunt is and it wasn't her who broke up."

Nina doesn't flinch and keeps his eyes, and I'm impressed.

I take a deep breath. "That's a matter of interpretation, Taylor. I mean, by murdering the woman who ditched you, you made sure she can't be with someone else anymore. That you're the last person who had her in every way. That was your intention, wasn't it? To make sure that nine one else could have them after you, and did make sure that those women are aware of the fact that they won't make it out of the cottage alive and that the last thing they've seen was your face, right?" I pause for a moment and can tell that he's about to lose his steely composure that's why I keep pushing. I want him to lose it. "Is that what triggers your bloodlust? Being ditched by a woman who refuse to bow to you? Who is the equal of you, or even better than you?"

This time O'Keefe is clenching his jaw and I see something in his eyes that is frightening even me. He looks at me like he's about to rip my throat open with his bare teeth, but then he's relaxing again. "Why don't you compare this woman's DNA with Madison's to understand that this cadaver is not my ex-girlfriend?"

Now it's my turn to smile and I wiggle my brows. "You know, we had the same thought, Taylor. That's why we dropped by Madison's last known address. The funny thing is that she was gone and her apartment empty, actually someone made a clean sweep. There was no furnitures, no toothbrush, no hairbrush, no hair in the shower's drain, not even skin scales on the carpet in the bedroom which is extremely extraordinary. I mean, no one can be **that** thorough. But you," I pause again and lean back in my chair. "All of us know that you're a stickler for order that's what it made it so hard for us to get you. You almost committed the perfect murder." I adulate him and can see that he's enjoying it immensely. I want to wipe the smug smile off his face but don't do so. Not literally. "Almost." I am emphatic about the word and his smile drops. "If you'd have committed the perfect murder you wouldn't be sitting here, handcuffed and dressed in a orange jumpsuit, in ad seg."

O'Keefe's face is dark and he tries to free his hands from the cuffs, in vain. I learned very early not to provoke an animal that is cornered, but I won't stop now so I can lure his true nature out, the monster he actually is. His facial muscles are twitching and his nostrils are fluttering like he's trying to keep his true nature hidden inside. My method is working, I've never seen him so indignant like now. It seems like I twisted the knife. It's time to come to an end for now. "Is that why you abducted Dr. Isles? Because she was seeing through your game?"

His smug complacency is back and I know that I've made a mistake, I've been playing my cards close to my chest. "So this is what's about?" He replies and stretches his back. "The dear Dr. Maura Isles?"

I want to to break his teeth because of the way he smears her name by saying it, and I have to suppress the urge. "That's one of the reasons why you're here today." I admit but don't tell him that it's the main reason.

O'Keefe shifts in his seat and smiles at me. "What do you wanna know? How I pranked you? How I convinced her that you don't come for her? How she was about to give up entirely? How she begged me to killer her quickly?"

This time I can't hide my clenched jaw and I'm glad that I hide my hands under the table so he can't see how I clench them so tight into fists that my knuckles turn white. "Why don't you start with why you've chosen Dr. Isles?"

O'Keefe laughs and shrugs. "Because I was able to prank her as well. I mean, she and I went to lunch frequently before she figured out who I actually am. It was fun, though. Doing all the things I've done right in front of the famous Dr. Isles who was completely clueless. Actually she told me a lot of the progress you've been making." He stops and sighs dramatically. "I have to tell you, Detective Rizzoli, Maura was very desperate to make a new friend."

"Jane," Nina whispers. Seems like she can sense that I'm about to jump over the table and beat the shit out of him. It's true, though. He lured Maura into his trap by pretending to be a forensic scientist in the state Washington and unfortunately there was a forensic conference during O'Keefe's murder spree which Maura has attended. Probably the last one of her career. She told me about this smart guy from Washington and I was glad she found someone who was as impassioned as she was. Though I've never met him in person, until the day we arrested him. That was another elephant in the room.

He leans forward again and his eyes are slandering. "I have to admit, she's a very strong-minded woman and took some afford to convince her that you're not looking for her. Some faked newspaper clippings and articles in news apps which said that you're drop the investigation and that you're explaining Maura's absence because she's overworked made her believe that you're not out there for her. But I have to admit, I was very angry with her the day she tried to run. I didn't see that coming."

I am fighting with my inner self. I didn't understand why Maura was hating me even though all of us told her that we've been doing our very best to get her as fast as possible, which was not easy with a opponent like Taylor O'Keefe. Now I understand why she didn't believe any of the things I told her. He has been playing with her mind, he manipulated her in all kind of ways. I want to beat the shit out of him, strangle him with my bare hands and smash his head against the floor. Instead I ask with a steady voice. "Why didn't you kill her after she tried to run from you?"

He looks long at me and his eyes become unfocused.

Now it dawns to me. "You couldn't kill Dr. Isles, could you. You're a monster but you are no child murderer. You didn't know that she was pregnant until she told you but then it was already too late." I wait and watch how he starts to chew on the inside of his cheek and how he's swallowing hard. That's my chance to gain control again. "You didn't know until the moment she begged you to kill her quick, she told you that she was pregnant and that the baby's death would be on your conscience. Why are you able to kill grown women but no child? Is it because of your mother? Did she killed a baby? Did your mother abort your sibling? Is she the reason why your angry at every single woman in your life? You wanted to be the big brother and she took the chance from you and then your parents sent you to a boarding school in Switzerland, as far away as possible. She knew that there was something wrong with you and hoped that the Swiss school would help you in every way it could but it wasn't enough cuz the damage was already done. And your father didn't care about you at all because of the same reason. He knew that your a monster."

 **"I never harmed a fucking animal**!" O'Keefe yells for the first time and I know that I got into his mind. He tries to tear his chains and knocks his chair over at the attempt. " **I would have** **never hurt my brother! She was wrong! I would have been a great brother! That bitch said that I'm a psycho!** "

I look at Nina and both of us get up from our chairs without saying a word, and a heavily armed officer pushes O'Keefe into a corner, face to the wall. I got what I need, I've shown who Taylor O'Keefe is for real, the real Taylor, not the man he pretentious to be.

He's fighting the officer without any chance to win the struggle. "My mother took the chance from me to become a better person!"

I stop at the door and turn to him with furrowed brows. "No, she didn't. You've chosen who you are. Your mother had a reason why she made this decision. Maybe she has seen what you're nature is and wanted to pretend society. Otherwise there would be two of you!"

He's howling like a animal in captivity and I follow Nina out of the interrogation room. As soon as the door is closed I shut my eyes. I can't believe that I said something like that, that I even thought that, but O'Keefe is getting the best of me and the world actually doesn't need two of them. I had the suspicion that his mother was the trigger but I never said it out loud because I was struggling with my very own private life. Doubted my abilities as a detective and my abilities as a family person. Now I know that it wasn't completely my fault and that I did everything humanly possible to find Maura before O'Keefe killed her. Unless she left before the end. I don't want to think of it. We recorded it and she can watch it if it's necessary. I hear a door open and close again and open my eyes as soon as someone takes the folder from my hands. I look confused at her and follow her line of sight only to spot Maura standing at the door to the observation room, shaking and crying, and Korsak right behind her. I take three long strides and stand in front of her, wrapping her in a tight embrace and she buries her face in my shoulder, sobbing hard like there is a revelation. The revelation that she's been fooled and manipulated, that O'Keefe tricked her brain and that all of us had been looking for her frantically, incessantly.

I close my eyes and it's hard to keep my own tears at bay. Now we know why he has chosen her, because he was capable to lead her to believe that he was a scientist just like her. He used her passion against her and lured her into a trap. Now she knows that it wasn't her fault. On the contrary, O'Keefe is such a good actor, even I'd believe he'd be a cop if he would have tried to life me into a trap. Perhaps I'd have become suspicious, but then it also would have been too late. And who knows how that sorry would have ended. Probably with Maura burying me and raising our child on her own, which would have broken her just as much as she is right now. So I think.

I meet Korsak's worried eyes and nod. "It's okay. We'll be okay."

He understands and thrusts his chin to the elevator. "Go home, I'll talk to Cavanaugh. He will understand."

I wrap my arm tight around Maura's waist like I'm trying to protect her from all harm and sigh. "Thanks, Vince." I look at Nina. "And thank you, Holiday."

She smiles broadly at me but her eyes are sad. "Anytime, Jane."

I nod and lead Maura to the elevator.


	15. Chapter 15

**Hey, guys. Thank you all for your kind words, and that you liked the last update.**

 **I hope you'll like this chapter as well. And as always, you're welcome to tell me what you think.**

 **Enjoy,**

 **T73**

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Since the day I lured Taylor O'Keefe into my very own trap and managed that he lost his temper he want to talk to me once in a week and I do him this favor in hope he's revealing more, but it turns out that he's trying to shake me with all kind of stories about him and Maura's abduction.

Once he has raped her multiple times which caused the miscarriage, which I know is not true. Another time he was begging for forgiveness because he was the cause of our loose, in vain. I may get over the death of our baby but I won't forgive the person who caused it. Only if hell is freezing over. Then another time he was sneering at his victims, telling me that they were desperate and didn't deserve better. Then another time, he was crying and asked for his mother, who refused to visit him. I cannot understand her, every mother would be proud of her son, the serial killer.

He also has written to Maura, she doesn't know what the letter was saying, neither do I. She burned it in the fireplace the same evening without opening it. I can understand her, he doesn't deserve her quarter.

I've watched her burning it and sipped my beer. And in the same time it dawns to me how sick he is, and a feel a little pity for him until she says that he's trying to plea insane. That makes me angry because he knew exactly what he was doing. He planned every single step. That son of a bitch. Every time I think we get past him, he's forcing his way back into our lives. But this time we don't allow him to control it completely, even Maura flirts with the idea to pay him a visit himself some day, to show him that he hasn't destroyed her, that she's still the same woman she was before he entered her life, which I know is not true, but if she decides to do so, I won't be the one who's refusing her wish. But I think that it'll take a long time until she's ready to do so, and I can understand that. The first time she brought it up, we had a little argument, nothing big or dramatic. I simply told her that I don't think that visiting O'Keefe would be a good idea and she argued that I also went to Hoyt the time he was still haunting me. I couldn't come up with an good reply. I ended up with my back on the couch and Maura being on top of me, fully clothed. We had been watching a movie to distract our minds and to be close to each other until we fell asleep. See, it was completely innocent.

My mother had heard about the get-together with O'Keefe but knew better than to mention it frequently or to grill us about it. Maybe the breakfast with Claire has been doing wonders. It is unusual for Ma to not butt in if something's bothering me or Maura, and that's what's bothering us even more. I'm beyond relieved that she's giving us the time and space we need this time. I don't know how to thank her for that, and I don't know how to thank Claire for talking some sense into my mother.

But every now and then Maura and I need some time for ourselves, I mean, you can't be around each other 24/7 without driving each other crazy and you also need some time to think about what have had happened retrospectively, to look at the progresses and the setbacks. And even to let go of the anger you're feeling everytime you're thinking of all that happen because you don't want to take frustration out on the ones you loved and just got back. That's why I am on a run right now, all by myself. It's not because I am mad because of Taylor O'Keefe, or because of Maura, or because of Ma. I am not mad at all, more frustrated. It has to do with the latest case we've been working on. The 15-year old Evan Daniels had smashed in the skull of the 15-year old Skye Gregory, his girlfriend, after she broke up with him and then claimed that he has seen how the janitor of their school had followed Skye before she disappeared. It turned out that he was the one who followed the girl and tried to convince her that their meant for each other, unfortunately Skye already had another boyfriend and told that Evan straight to the face, and that she never loved Evan. That sealed her faith.

I know that this is a stupid thought, but I really wonder if some people are only born to become murders. I always thought that people take l this road of life because of their environmental influences but in the same time I know that Maura can come up with some facts which refutes my theory. That there are people who aren't able to feel anything and that it is a mental disease, and that its mostly too late when this disease is detected, mostly the person turned out to be a psychopath or sociopath and serial killer. And that those people can hide their true nature very well.

I know all those things by myself and I don't need Maura to lecture me about it, that's why I left for a run on my own.

I know it but I won't it to be true that a 15-year old boy killed his girlfriend, and I don't want to think of the things he might have done if we wouldn't bust him.

And the entire ride back home I wondered if we would have had a boy, if he'd have turned out the same way, screwed. I mean, look at what I and Maura are facing on a daily basis and what kind of legacies we're having. And our work is taking us up completely. And Evan Daniels is the perfect example that love isn't always enough. Maybe it is the best that -

I cut the thought off and realize that I'm standing in front of our house already, sweating and breathing hard. I don't even know why this thought had the chance to form in my mind but it did. I know that Maura would be a amazing mother, and I maybe would do alright, or the best I could. So, alright.

I close my eyes and roll my head in my neck before I walk up to the front door and enter our house. I see Maura sitting on the couch, reading some kind of magazine. I'm sure it's one of her favorite medical ones. She looks over her shoulder at me and smiles gently at me. "Hey."

"Are you feeling better," she asks and closes said magazine.

"A little," I answer truthfully, walk into the kitchen and get a bottle of water out of the fridge. I'd like a beer but then Maura would start one of her famous lectures about that. I'm still not in the mood for it.

She gets up from the couch and walks into my direction, opening the fridge again, getting a beer out of it, opening the bottle and handing it to me. "I know what you are craving for."

I take cautiously a swig from the bottle and quirk an eyebrow. I'm not sure she really does. And my eyebrows shoot up high the second she steps into my personal space and runs her hands underneath my soaked shirt. I think now I know what she's craving for. "I'm all sweaty, Maura."

"Just the way I like you the most," she says with a sultry voice and I swear I begin to sweat even more.

I blink a couple of times and swallow hard. How to tell the woman you love more than your own life that you're actually not in the mood for having sex with her right now. "I just started my beer!?" Yeah, that is a way ... to sound like you're more concerned about your damn drink instead of your girlfriend's needs. I swear, sometimes I want to cut my tongue out.

Maura rolls her eyes but smiles gently. She takes my hand in her own and lead us back to the couch.

I sit down and roll nervously the bottle between my hands like it's our very first time, I expect her to take the bottle from my hands and that she makes the first step. Instead, she snuggles up against me, put my left arm around her shoulders and her head on my shoulder. I relax immediately, for a second. "I'll ruin the couch."

Maura's scoffing and looks up at me without saying a word.

Right! Stupid me. If my mother would know about the things Maura and I had done on this couch she wouldn't sit down on it in a million years. She rather would burn and chop it up afterwards, and then disperse it. A laugh rumbles from my chest and I relax again.

There is a long silence. It's not uncomfortable, it's not heavy, we're only enjoying each other's presence. We don't need to talk. Then Maura says, "I missed this the most." She looks up at me and sighs. "While I was trying to hate you, I was missing moments like this, Jane. Us sitting like this and enjoying ourselves, you holding me."

God, I missed it, too. I don't say anything, I just sigh. We've been sitting like this in the past almost every night after we got home. We watched a movie, a documentary or even ESPN, but we always sat like that. Especially after Maura told me that she was pregnant. I hardly paid attention to the TV, I just wanted her to be as close as possible, forever.

And then everything changed. I almost lost her, literally, in all ways.

"I was so selfish." Her whisper brings me back and I tighten my hold around her shoulder. "I tried to focus on hating you because you didn't come for me in a blink of an eye. I thought you wouldn't come for me at all."

"That's what he told you."

"I know, but after the second day I started to think that you didn't notice my absence." She replies and I furl my brows in disapproval. "I know it is stupid and that all of you have been working on figuring out what happened and where I might have been gone. I know that now, Jane. But back then I really thought that I didn't leave enough impression so you'd miss me at least at work."

"Not enough -" I try to keep the pain out of my voice. "How could you think so?" And fail.

Maura's silent for a moment. "The last time you noticed that I was taken was while you, Angela, and Korsak were about to drink my whisky."

Guilt is washing over me, but that was different. "It was different."

"Oh?"

Well, that time I thought maniacs had been after the ones I love most, my mother for example. I didn't understand that Maura was my blind spot criminals could aim for, at that time I wasn't ready to admit to myself that I am in love with her. "Well, I thought they we're aiming for my mother because of the watch and the Bible verse."

"Which also was a police code."

"Which Korsak figures out and each of us thought they would be going for Ma, Maura. Back then I didn't know that -"

She waits patiently but I fall silent. "That what?"

I take a deep breath and shrug. "That I was in love with you already." I close my eyes and shake my head. "No, that's not true because I knew, but I wasn't ready to admit it, even to myself because I thought it would be wrong. I mean, you were my best friend. You still are. And I'm still so fucking afraid of losing you."

I wait for her to admonish me for my choice of words, instead she straddles my lap and I place my hands innocently on her thighs. "You will never lose me, even not as a friend. We've been through so much, Jane, and here we are. Still together."

My hands don't move but I smile at her. "Yes we are. And that's what friends are normally doing."

She understands the hint and kisses me gently, before that she murmurs, "Yes." After we break the kiss I sigh heavily and she's searching my face. "Jane, what is it?"

I shake my head and frown. I didn't want to bring it up. "So much happened in this house."

"Yes, it did indeed."

"Maybe we ... You know, this is your house and ... maybe we ... should look for our very own that we both can effort. And ... start over again?!"

"Start over like in New York?"

"What the - that's not what I meant. " I reply and confusion is mirrored in her eyes. "I didn't mean leaving Boston but ..."

"Beacon Hill." She says and seems to understand. "Don't you like this house?"

I take a moment and frown. "Sure I like this house. But as I said already, some bad things happened in here. You've operated your father in this living room after one of his stooge kicked in the backdoor and chained you and Tommy up.

Maura's nodding slowly. "Yes, I'm aware of that."

"And ... Lydia happened in here, and my father. And ..."

She's silencing me with a short kiss and then pulls back, looking me in the eye. "Here also happened a lot of wonderful things."

"Like what?"

Maura smiles softly. "You're mother moved in the guest house."

"That more sounds like a medium disaster."

"And that made you spent more time at my home."

Okay, that's true. But Maybe was only one reason why I started to be in this house more frequently.

Maura's thrusting her chin in the direction of the kitchen. "And in this kitchen you kissed me for the very first time even though you knew I was supposed to go on a date the next night."

I dig my fingers into her thighs and blush a little. That is also true and I remember very well that I had to summon up all my courage to do so. But I couldn't let it happen that Maura went on a date with this Barrett guy because then I wouldn't have had a chance at all. He actually was a nice guy for whom Maura probably would have fallen if I wouldn't have intervened. He had a olive complexion, curly black hair cut short, and gray eyes. He was tall, of average weight, and well-educated. Maura was very fascinated by him. I shrug shortly. "True."

She smiles and starts to kiss my neck and my eyes flutter shut. "And in this house we have had sex for the first time." She murmurs against my skin and I try not to groan.

What is happening right now? This whole thing started so innocently. She's kissing my jaw line now. "And for the second time even though you were so nervous because Angela had been in the guest house."

This time I groan, not because of pleasure but because of annoyance and Maura chuckles.

She straightens up again and runs her hands over my shoulders. "And on this couch we started to think about a family. And after I got pregnant you started to convert the second guest room into a nursery without my knowing. Not to mention all the other memories I won't miss. Good and bad." Shes pausing and frowns. "If we would move into another house, we'd have to make new memories."

I furrow my brows. "Would it be that bad?"

"And what about your mother? Where is she supposed to life if we're selling the house?"

That is a good question, and I didn't think about it. I know that it would trouble Maura if Ma isn't around her that often anymore, and Ma would be troubled as well. "Ma ... could rent the house."

Maura's looking skeptical at me and I sink further into the couch. "Jane, Angela was already bargaining about the rent of the guest house, she'd black out if it comes to the main house."

"You could charge a fair price."

She scowls at me and I smile shyly. "Do you really want to move out?"

I sigh heavily and my shoulders slump. "I don't know. I mean, you are right about the good memories. So much happened in here but maybe -" I trail off and clench my jaw. I don't even know why that idea crossed my mind. Maybe it's because it still hurts every time I pass the locker room that was supposed to be the nursery. Maybe it is the thought that O'Keefe had been in here every time Maura, Ma and I had been at work. I don't want to think about the things he has done in here. Maybe it is because Maura and I almost fell apart in this house. Maybe it's all of those things. Maura's caressing my cheeks and my eyes find hers again. She leans her head down and kisses my gently, and I sigh. It's sweet and comforting, and hints nothing but pure love.

Suddenly someone is more yelling then saying, "For the love of God."

We break apart and I turn my head only to see my mother standing at the backdoor.

"Don't you have a room upstairs," Ma snaps and Maura snorts.

I blink a couple of times but don't let go of Maura's thighs, even it is more than inappropriate with my mother standing there. "And don't you have a place where you're living?"

"I came here to make a pot of tea." She retorts and fold her arms over her chest.

Maura can't hide her smirk and climbs off my lap, much to my disapproval. She walks into the kitchen and takes the kettle from the stove.

I get up to my feet and huff in annoyance.

Ma's looking long at me. "I've never been more happy that you didn't became a boy than right now."

Maura stiffle a laugh and I look down at myself before I understand what my mother is hinting. " **Ma**!"

"I know, you'd be a man by now."

"That would make many things so much easier." I mutter under my breath.

"Indeed," Maura agrees as she turns around to us with a sly smile.

My eyes grow huge. " **Maura**!" That is not what I meant at all. What I meant is that then I wouldn't have had countless times to discuss with Ma my choice of profession and stand my ground millions of times at BPD. That's what I meant.

Ma is placing her hands on the island and looks expectantly at us. "Do wanna tell me something?"

I know what she's actually asking but I don't respond to it. I walk back into the living room to get my beer, furrowing my eyebrows "At least knock if you're coming by."

Ma rolls her eyes but doesn't press further. "I didn't think I'd caught you in the act."

I choke on my beer and my girlfriend laughs out loud. "You didn't caught us in the act."

"Uh-huh." Is her response and I turn crimson. I don't even know why.

Maura clears her throat. "We've been discussing some things."

"Is that what you kids call it today?"

I throw my head back and groan loud. At least Ma dropped the topic of children immediately. I really have to think about a way to thank Claire for her magic. I look back at my mother and sigh. "Do you wanna have a beer or wine? We can watch a movie."

Ma's looking uncertain at Maura and then at me. "If it's okay for you."

Maura's smiling broadly at her. "Of course it is, Angela."

I smile as well and nod. "Yeah, of course, Ma."

My mother can't hide her excitement and I chuckle.


	16. Chapter 16

**She** **skidded to a stop. Her bare feet were covered in mud. She could smell it and realized that her hands, pants and shed elbows were muddy. She did** **n'** **t remember tearing her blouse, but both elbows looked out, scratched, bloody and now covered with moldy mud.**

 **The rain had stopped without her noticing it. But the break would be short-lived. The clouds had darkened, and the mist grew thicker, brushing around her like restless ghosts rising from the ground. God, she shouldn't think of such things. She shouldn't think at all, just run.**

 **Leaning against a tree, she tried to catch her breath. She had followed the only path she could find in the dense forest, hoping it would lead her into freedom. She was aboutto lose her head, panic had gripped her.**

 **She expected her abductor to emerge from behind a bush at any moment and to grab her. Dry and broken branches pierced her blanket cloak. Several times she had been caught and then pulled back, as if hands were grabbing her neck. The painful strangulation marks had been an unpleasant reminder of his attack. Nevertheless, she didn't drop the blanket because it felt like a weak shield. She was soaking wet from rain and sweat. Moist hair stuck to her face, and the silk blouse was like a second skin.**

 **The dense fog soaked her even more. In less than an hour, the darkness would sink over these endless forests. The certainty made her even more afraid. She could hardly see anything through the damp haze. Twice she had slid down a slope and almost fell into a pool of water that had looked like a dense gray fog from above. The darkness would make further progress impossible.**

 **The kidnapper had taken her wristwatch for obvious reasons. He had left her the sapphire ring and earrings. She would have gladly swapped the three-thousand-dollar ring for her watch. Not knowing the time was terrible. Which day was it? Could it still be Wednesday? No. She remembered that it had been dark at the brief awakening in the car. Yes. Headlights blinded her. Which meant she had missed most of Thursday. She suddenly realized that she had no clue how long she had been unconscious. Maybe for days.**

 **The new fear made breathing more difficult.** _ **Calm down**_ **! She had to think calmly about how she wanted to spend the night, and plan and approach it step by step. Although her instinct told her to continue running, rationality told her that it was more important to find a place for the night. In the meantime she wondered if it wouldn't be better if she have stayed in the shed. Had she really achieved something with her escape? At least it had been dry in the shed, and the lumpy cot now seemed to be wonderfully comfortable. She had no idea where she was, and it didn't seem as if she had come any closer to her goal of escaping from the forest jail, even after miles of running.**

 **She crouched down, leaning her back against the rough wooden bark of a tree. She had to rest her legs, but to remain alert and ready to escape. Black crows pushed down on her indignantly and scared scared her. She sat still, too tired and weak to avoid them. The crows gathered for the night in the treetops. Hundreds flew in from all directions and announced with harsh screams that they took their sleeping place.**

 **Suddenly it occurred to her that the birds would hardly settle here if they didn't consider this place safe. Should there be a disturbance or danger at night, the crows probably warned her more reliably than any alarm system.**

 **She looked around for a safe resting place. Here lay a carpet of fallen leaves and pine needles from last fall. However, everything was soaked by rain and fog. The mere thought of lying on the cold floor made her shiver. The screaming of the crowd continued. She looked up and examined the branches. For years she hadn't climbed a tree. Her aching muscles reminded her how foolish it was to want to climb up somewhere. Foolish or not, she was safe up there. He wouldn't look for her in the treetops. Other nocturnal hunters as well. God, she hadn't thought of animals yet.**

 **The tree next to her was forked in the perfect Y, so she could sit well in the branch fork. Immediately she got to work, collected branches and twigs and piled them up crosswise to get a makeshift ladder. As soon as she reached the lower branches of the tree, she could swing into the Y. She no longer thought about fatigue or the burning of her cut feet. With each load of twigs or the lifting of a branch her muscles urged her to cease the activity immediately. But fueled by new energy, she continued, so that her pulse beat in her ears.**

 **The crows above her were silent as if they watching her feverish efforts with interest. Or did the animals listen for something? She paused, her arms full of branches. Her breath rattled, and she heard little more than the pounding of her own heart. She held her breath and listened. Silence around, as if the breaking darkness had swallowed every sound and movement.**

 **Then she heard it.**

 **At first it sounded like a wounded animal, suppressed screaming or high whining. She turned slowly and blinked hard in the fog and darkness. Sudden wind created nocturnal shadows. Wielding branches became waving arms. Rustling leaves sounded like footsteps.**

 **Maura dropped the branches and looked around anxiously. Could she get into the tree without the makeshift ladder? Her fingers clawed at the tree bark. Carefully, she stepped on the pile of wood and tested its durability. She pulled herself up and reached for the next branch. It creaked under her weight but didn't break. She held on with both hands, though loose bark crumbled and fell into her eyes. She was ready to swing her legs into the Y when the suppressed whimpers became recognizable words.**

 **"Help! Please, somebody help me!"**

 **The wind carried the plea clearly in her direction. She froze. She was hanging on the branch, her feet dangling a bit above the wooden pile. Maybe she imagined that? Perhaps her perception tricked her because of exhaustion.**

 **Her arms hurt, her fingers went numb. If she wanted to make it into the tree, she had to mobilize the last reserves right now.**

 **Again the words blew like mist.**

 **"Please, somebody help me!"**

 **It was a woman's voice and it was close.**

 **She dropped to the ground. By now she could only see a yard ahead in the growing darkness. She walked slowly towards the voice. Her arms stretched out in front of her, she followed the path and silently counted the steps. Branches tore at her hair and attacked her. She moved towards the voice without calling to betray herself. Cautiously, she still counted the steps, to turn around if necessary and to be able to run back to her safe haven.**

 **Twenty-two, twenty-three. Then suddenly the ground opened underneath her. She fell, and the earth swallowed her.**

 **She laid at the bottom of the pit. Her head was buzzing. Her side burned as if it were on fire. In her panic, she breathed quickly and gasping. Automatically, her hand found its way to her belly. There was nothing around her except mud, which sucked on her arms and legs like quicksand. Her right ankle was twisted under her. She knew immediately that it would be difficult to move it.**

 **The smell of mud and decomposition made her gag. Total blackness around. She saw absolutely nothing. Above her she recognized the shadows of some branches, but the rest of the light was swallowed up by the fog and the night. The shadows she could make out told her just how deep her earthy grave was. Up to the surface it was thirteen feet, she would never be able to climb up there. She struggled to get up, but fell over as her ankle bucked. Shocked, she jumped up again and clung to the wall to stop herself from falling. She tugged at the wall and felt with her fingers desperately for a hold that didn't exist. She only broke off wet clumps of dirt, felt worms slide through her fingers and flung them away.**

 **She kicked and drummed with bare hands and feet against the wall, climbed and slid off. Then she realized she was screaming. Not the sound frightened her, her rough throat and aching lungs scared her. When she stopped, the screaming continued. Now she finally lost her mind. The screaming turned into a whimper and became a soft groan in the corner of her dark hole. A shiver ran down Maura's sweaty, muddy back. She recognized the voice that had guided her into this hellhole. Was this a trap? "Who's there?", She whispered into the darkness.**

 **The groan became a muffled sob.**

 **She waited. Regardless of her throbbing ankle, she pushed herself along the wall. She didn't want to sit down again, to be watchful and ready to escape. Looking up, she expected her kidnapper to look down at her, smiling. But she only noticed a brief flash, which she interpreted as lightning. A faint thunder in the distance confirmed her guess.**

 **"Who is there?", she shouted this time, letting out the fear that threatened to take her breath away. "And what the hell are you doing here?" She was not sure if she wanted to hear an answer to this question.**

 **"He ... did this," said a strained voice in a high, whiny tone. "Terrible things ..." The voice added. "He did ... that. I tried to stop him. I could not. He was too strong." There was a groan again.**

 **The other woman's fear was palpable and got under her skin. But she was not allowed to burden herself with the panic of this woman.**

 **"He has a knife," the other woman continued, sobbing. "He ... he cut me."**

 **"Are you hurt? Are you bleeding?" She stayed against the wall, unable to move. She tried to adjust her eyes to the darkness, but saw only a dark outline, about two yards away from her.**

 **"He said ... he said he would kill me."**

 **"When did he bring you here? Do you remember?**

 **"He tied my hands."**

 **"I can untie -"**

 **"He tied my ankles, too. I couldn't move."**

 **"I can -"**

 **"He tore my clothes off and took off my blindfold. He said ... he wanted me to watch, then ... then he raped me."**

 **She wiped her face and replaced the tears with mud. She thought of her clothes, the wrong buttoned blouse, and she felt sick.** _ **Don't think about this! Not now!**_

 **"When I screamed, he cut me," the woman continued. Her words just spilled out. "He wanted me to scream, I couldn't fight back, He was so strong He climbed on top of me. He was so heavy. My breasts. He squeezed my breasts as he sat on me. He was so heavy. My arms were caught under his legs. He was sitting on top of me, so that he ... he ... pushed himself down my throat, I choked, he pushed on, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move -"**

 **"Stop!" She screamed, startled by her own strange-sounding voice. Her hysterical undertone scared her even more. "Please stop!"**

 **Immediately silence returned. No more groaning, no more sobbing. She listened, but only heard her own heartbeat. She was trembling all over, as if her liquid cold were running through her veins. A breeze rose, letting the plague waft follow. The thunder grew louder, flashes of light brightened the world up there, but didn't make it down to the black pit. Leaning her head against the wall, she looked up at the branches, skeletal arms that waved at her in the flashing light. Her body ached from the effort to suppress the threatening sobs.**

 **Rain set in, and she slid down the wall until she felt the mud sucking at her again. With her arms around her drawn knees, she rocked back and forth to defy the cold.**

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 **Maura sat huddled in a corner, her arms around her knees, trying not to remember how her bare, swollen feet were stuck in the stinking mud. The rain had finally stopped, though it thundered in the distance, like boulders rolling. Was it because of the clouds that the sun did not set, or had the crazy kidnapper made a pack with the devil?**

 **Sometimes she heard the woman moan quietly to herself. Her heavy breath was very close. Thank God the sobs and the high whimpers had stopped. As the sky finally brightened, the slumped figure began to take shape.**

 **She closed her eyes, then opened them again, blinking, unable to believe what she saw. The woman opposite her was completely naked. She had curled up in a foetal position. Her skin was covered with mud, and, as it smelled and looked, was also covered with blood and excrements. "Oh, my God." She said silently. "Why didn't you tell me that you are naked?" She struggled to her feet, but her ankle protest and she dropped to her knees. The pain, however, was irrelevant. She forced herself to get up again and, above all, strained her healthy foot.**

 **Feverishly, she tried to untie the knot of the blanket she still wore around her shoulders. The woman was shaking all over. No, that was more than trembling, that was convulsive twitching.**

 **Her teeth chattered and her lower lip bled, apparently because she had bitten it more often.**

 **"Are you in pain," she asked and noticed how stupid the question was. Of course she was in pain.**

 **She tore off the blanket and carefully wrapped it around the woman. The fabric was damp, but had prevented that she became hypothermic during the night. I hope she didn't make it worse. But it could hardly become worse.**

 **From a safe distance, she looked at the terrible bruises, the cuts and the torn flesh at the bites - human bites!**

 **"God, we need to get you to a hospital!" Another ridiculous statement.**

 **If she didn't even come out of this pit, how was she supposed to take the woman to a hospital?**

 **The woman didn't seem to hear her. With wide eyes she stared at the wall in front of her. The shaggy hair stuck to her face. Maura stroked her haircloth back. The woman didn't even blink. She was in shock and evidently had withdrawn deep into herself, into an inaccessible sanctuary.**

 **She stroked the woman's cheek and wiped her hair and mud from her face and neck. Her stomach rebelled as she saw the bruises and bite marks on her neck and breasts. There was an open wound around his neck, like the imprint of a rope that had been pulled so tight that it had pressed itself deep into the flesh.**

 **"Can you move", she asked but didn't get an answer.**

 **As light fell from above, she looked up to gauge the depth of her hole. It wasn't quite as deep as she had originally thought. It seemed to be part of an old trench, partially broken, with uneven sidewalls from which sticked tree roots and boulders out. Fresh spade traces suggested that the pit had been deliberately expanded to a trap.**

 **What kind of monster did such a thing to a woman and throw her into a pit? She didn't allow herself to think about it, otherwise she would be completely paralyzed with fear. She had to focus on getting both of them out. But how?**

 _ **Jane!**_

 **She knelt down next to the woman, who was barely twitching beneath the blanket anymore, to check for broken bones, ignoring her own abdominal pain. There were enough notches and small protrusions in the wall that gave them a hold to climb out. But the woman had to climb independently. She couldn't carry her.**

 **When she was about to touch the woman's shoulder, she spotted what the woman was staring at all the time, and jumped back in shock. Despite her reluctance, she slowly came closer to take a closer look. Directly in front of her, buried in the mud wall, but partially washed away by the rain, was a human skull. The empty eye sockets stared at her. And then she realized that this was not a trap. It was a grave.**

 **Her grave.**

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I woke up because Maura has been tossing and turning in her sleep while a thunderstorm lightened our bedroom, and I know that it brought some memory up."Do you wanna tell me about it." My question is met with silence and I am sure that she will shake her head. Maura's flinching the moment a flash is lightening our bedroom and I hold her closer running her back with my hand.

"I was back down in the pit." Maura suddenly says and I hold my breath, tryimg not to move. "The pit in which I broke my ankle. It was foggy, rainy and cold. And after a while, a thunderstorm started. There was this woman in it, too, Bethany Girardi. She was crying and calling for help, and then she started to tell me what O'Keefe did to her when it was still dark. How he tortured and raped her. And then I yelled at her to stop because I couldn't take it. She kept for the rest of the night and if I wouldn't have heard her rattling breathing, I'd think that she's dead. And with sunrise I have seen her bruises and cuts, and the bitemarks and the strangulation mark around her neck. She was completely naked, Jane, and covered in her own blood and excrements."

I have to close my eyes while she's talking, not because it sounds like a really good bedtime story but because I won't and can't show her how much her story is hurting me, too. I know who Bethany Girardi is, was. I have seen her maimed body laying on the autopsy table and thought how lucky I was because this wasn't Maura. That Maura was safe and sound again.

"I tried to help her," Maura says after a brief pause. "I was able to get out of the pit and wanted to get some help, or just run away as far as my ankle allowed me to, I wanted to get away from there, but the farther I was the worse I felt because I left Bethany behind. And then I went back to the pit, back inside of it even though I knew that I probably signed my own death warrant with it, but I couldn't leave her alone. I thought that she might gather some strength from my presence and I stayed in that grave two whole nights. I could tell from her breathing that Bethany was struggling and realized that she was feverish. I assumed that she was suffering a sepsis, according to her injuries, or even a pneumonia." She pauses again and I look at her with a frown. "And to be honest, I didn't want to be alone either, alone lost in the woods. I think that's a reason why I went back into the pit, too. She talked to me sporadically and deep down I knew she was about to die. And during that I was holding onto the memory of you because I thought I'd end up in that grave, too. I was holding onto the memory of your smile, your eyes, your voice. I was holding onto the memory of how you love me, emotionally and physically. How strong and protective you are. How your hands feel, and your lips. How your body feels against mine." She's silent again and then I hear a heart-wrenching sob. "And then I realized it, the night was dark and silent again. There was no rattling breathing anymore, and no sobs and whimpers. Bethany was gone and I was alone again. And then I became aware of what happened to myself. I was so focused on escaping and helping Bethany that I ignored the signs of miscarriage that I have shown. To be honest, I've almost forgotten about the pregnancy until I've been thinking of you and how you've been touching my belly a before O'Keefe took me. How you promised me to keep the baby and me safe by any means. And suddenly I was by myself, you didn't come to safe us, neither Bethany not me or the baby."

I have to swallow hard and say nothing. Actually, I don't know what to say to that. Guilt is bubbling up again. Not only because of Maura and our baby, but also because of Bethany Girardi. I'm sure that Maura told the woman hang on for a bit longer and that BPD is looking for them.

We were, but we didn't know that there was a second woman was in extremis, and with Maura. We assumed that O'Keefe dumped Bethany Girardi's body in the pit days before he abducted Maura, and that she was dead already at that moment. Obviously we've been wrong. We've been wrong about a lot of things.

I want to tell her that I'm sorry like I did a million times before but I don't because I know that it will anger her. I want to tell her that we worked as fast as possible but I don't because she knows that we did.

Honestly, right now I'm speechless. I don't really know what to say.

"I know it now." She suddenly says and I furrow my brows.

"You know what?"

She places her chin on my collarbone and looks with a frown at me. "That you did everything possible to find me as fast as possible. I now understand. Everyone told me that you barely slept, neither of you."

"Who's everyone?"

"Nina, Frankie, Korsak, Angela, Cavanaugh. Even the uniforms."

I run my hand under the top of her pyjama, to make sure that her body's still warm. "It's true, neither of us really slept. Each of them offered their help voluntarily, Maura. You know why they did?" She shakes her head and I smile a little. "Because you are one of us."

Maura sighs heavily. "Only because of you, Frankie and Angela."

"No." I disagree without a second thought and she looks at me again. " **No**! It's because of yourself. Sometimes you are a little quirky and a smarty, and hard to understand. But in the same time you are the kindest, generous human being all of us know. You made all of us leave for home with a smile. And you bring the best of us out, Maura. Without you, I wouldn't be the same I am today. Neither would be Ma or Frankie. Not to mention the people at BPD. We all love you."

"Even Kaminski?"

"He's not working at BPD."

"I've been told that he was helping you."

"Nina!"

Maura's smiling at me and I roll my eyes. "Yeah, he was quite helpful the moment he heard about you being abducted." I pause know. "I hope you now see how you're affecting everyone's life the moment they cross your way."

She kissed me softly and sighs. "As long as I affect your life in the best ways."

I am silent for a moment and flinch the second she's pinching my side, and I smile. "Of course you're affecting my life in the best ways, Maura. Without you, I wouldn't be the person I am today." I furl my brows the second I see something flickering in her eyes as a lightening fills the room again. "What is it, Maura?"

"It's just ... If ... If we wouldn't be a couple -"

"No," I cut her off immediately because I know what she wants to say and she's frowning as I turn the nightstand lamp on. "No, Maura, you don't go there. And since when do you like sentences that start with "if"?" She doesn't answer and lays down straight on her back. I turn to my right side so I can face her. "Even if we wouldn't had been a couple the day you got abducted, I would have move heaven and earth to bring you back home because you are my best friend. And even if you wouldn't be, I would do the same. And I can assure you that the progress of healing would bind us because I wouldn't let you go through this all by yourself. You don't end this relationship because you feel bad about the miscarriage. You -"

"I didn't want to break up with you, Jane." She now cut me off and I blink confused. "Yes, I do feel bad about the miscarriage but I didn't want to end the relationship, we already had that and it nearly killed me. That time was as worst as the time I've been missing, and I wouldn't survive it a second time." She's silent again and places her head back on my shoulder. "I can't live without you, Jane. Not anymore."

I take a deep breath and kiss the top of her head. The feeling is mutual, I can't live without her, too. I switch the light off again before I say, "Let's try to get some more rest."

She nods and snuggles even closer to me.


	17. Chapter 17

**Thank you all for following the story, for you favoriting it, and even for your reviews. I am beyond glad that you like** _ **You Are My Light In Darkness**_ **. I also hope that you will like this chapter, it's a little short, though.**

 **Anyway, you are welcome to tell me your thoughts.**

 **Enjoy,**

 **T73.**

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The next morning, I enter the kitchen and frown because I don't find my mother standing in it. Is it possible that … Nah, I'm sure that it won't take another five minutes until the backdoor is thrown open and she storms into the house. Everything else would be … eerie?!

I have decided to give Maura some more time to sleep after her nightmare last night, it doesn't mean that I must stay in bed as well, does it? To be honest, after the things she told me about Taylor O'Keefe and Bethany Girardi, I didn't find any sleep anymore, but I stayed with my girlfriend in bed until my back started to hurt, and I didn't want to move because I was afraid that it'll wake Maura. She deserves as much rest as she can, I know how draining the job can be after a long time of absence. I am just glad that we haven't been called to a crime scene in the night. I know that Maura had the night off, but I was supposed to be on call, somehow, I've been feeling that my girlfriend would need me in the night and asked Frankie to take up the slack for me. I owe him a big one, and Nina. I owe a lot of people some favors these days. I groan at the thought and waddle towards the coffee maker, starting it while I run my left hand through my hair with a heavy sigh. I know that there are always fallouts after such an experience Maura had went through and I was sure that it'd take some time before she'd feel better. But it seems to me like she's doing worse until the trail is over, and she gets some closure at the end, just like the other relatives of O'Keefe's victims. At least she's telling me what her dreams are about and don't withdraw herself instead like she did months ago. Okay, to be honest I could dispense with the details altogether, but I won't tell Maura that. It only would make her to go back to her former state, and I'm not sure that **this** our relationship would survive.

I watch the coffee maker working and frown at it like its going to tell me a distracting story, so I won't think about the things Maura told me no more.

I try to banish the imagines of Bethany Girardi's dead body and the imagines how she suffered until she died in the pit. I mean, I can take a lot of things. I can face a murder victim that is burned to unrecognizability, or mummified, or even pretty decompose. I even can face floaters. I can take every kind of murder victim, but when I have seen Bethany Girardi, I felt sick, and now knowing that Maura has been with her in her last moments of life … it doesn't make it any better. On the contrary, it makes it worse. Knowing that my girlfriend was fearing for her life like Bethany did, knowing that she expected to end up like the poor woman she shared a pit with. And yet I'm impressed. Other people would have tried to get out of the pit and run away in any direction, no matter in which, at least they'd get away from the pit. But Maura stayed at Bethany's side, ankle broken and scared to death, and in the same time she tried to be professional and calm, to help the woman, to ease some of Bethany's pain.

When we have found Bethany's naked body, she was covered in a blanket and I knew immediately that only one person would be so selfless to give another person in need the blanket and I knew immediately that Maura was trying her best to stay alive, or at least did her best to do so. In that moment we didn't know if she was still alive and where O'Keefe hid her, or her remains. There had been three of this kind of pits, some old, some new. I remember that neither of us could believe what we've been seeing. We always thought that Hoyt was a monster, it turned out that Taylor O'Keefe was worse. I can't believe that I'm saying it, but there are people out there who outrank your worst imagination. O'Keefe is one of these persons. He didn't care about the age of his victims; the worst case would have been if we'd found the remains of a child. Luckily, we didn't, otherwise, I am not sure he'd be still breathing. I'd make sure of it. Even in prison are existing unwritten rules, there is no mercy for pedophiles and child murderer. And maybe then it would have slipped out of my mouth that he killed children just for fun at any other of my visit at the super-max, and O'Keefe would be no more, I am beyond sure of that. But I also know that it wouldn't make me any better than him.

I get a mug from the hanging cupboard and am about to pour myself coffee when I hear a gentle knock on the front door, and I'm immediately highly alerted. I walk to the door and look through the small window that's next to the front door and I sigh in relief, unlocking and opening said door only to look into Nina's friendly face. I don't say a word but step aside to grant her access to the house, locking the door again.

"I didn't wake you, did I," she asks quietly.

I hesitate briefly and shake my head. "No. No, you didn't. It was a long night."

"Maura had a nightmare again?"

"More a very vivid memory." I walk back behind the counter and get another coffee cup. "Coffee?"

„Only if it isn't too much to ask."

I snort and pour Nina a coffee. "That's the least I can do." I pause and furrow my brows. "What brings you here, Nina?"

She sits down on a high chair and takes the steaming mug between her hands. ", I wanted to stop by at Angela's but then I realized what time it is and thought that it would be appropriate at this time of day, and then I saw light in your kitchen and hoped -"

I smirk and sip my own coffee. "That Maura's up already."

She smiles wryly and shrugs.

I must chuckle and frown a little. "Sorry to disappoint you. "I see her disapproving look and raise a hand. "And what made you want to see Ma and Maura at this time?"

Nina starts to shift nervously in her seat and I quirk an eyebrow. "You know, they're helping me … with the wedding preparation. Well, Maura did before she got kidnapped. And I think Angela's still doing it to distract herself. As far as I know that's what Claire suggested, so she'd give you and Maura the time you need for yourselves."

Aha, that explains a lot. I am not sure how I can thank Claire and even Nina for everything they're doing for us. "She doesn't bulldoze you about grandchildren?"

Nina's choking and she looks directly over the rim of the mug at me.

I take that as a yes. It would surprise me if my mother wouldn't be all over Nina when it comes to that topic. Suddenly, I'm feeling bad because I am not much of a support when it comes to her and Frankie's wedding which fell back because of that happened. Ad these days I haven't gave much thought about it either. Now, I am feeling very selfish. "I'm sorry for not being the sister-in-law you deserve to have, Nina. You are doing so much for us and all I do is to ask for more."

She's scrutinizing me for a moment and frowns deeply. "Jane, there's no need to apologize, that's what friends are for, not to mention family. And I am sure that there will be times I will ask you for a favor."

"You are more than welcome to do so," I reply and we both chuckle but then I turn serious again and scratch my shoulder. "You know, I never really thanked you for taking me to the cemetery a couple of months ago."

"Jane -"

"No, I mean it." I cut her off and she looks at me. "With that you nudged me and Maura to talk to each other again. If you wouldn't have done that, who knows if I'd be here today, and still in a relationship with Maura. You do all these things even though you're supposed to plan your own wedding. And you bear with my mother. You really need to be canonized."

"Now you camp it up," she laughs, and I smile broadly at her.

"Good morning," we hear Maura say and turn in her direction, watching her entering the kitchen as well. It surprises me that it doesn't bewilder her that Nina's already here.

"Hey," I simply state.

Nina smiles at my girlfriend and raises briefly her mug. "Good morning, coffee's good."

"Coffee's **great**." I add and Nina snorts.

Maura's eying skeptically and stands on her toes to give me a peck before she's pouring herself a cup of coffee. "I'm afraid Angela's still not up."

"Actually," I say and feel nervous the second both look at me. "Nina's here to, uh, discuss some wedding preparations with you. You know, to, uh, get another opinion then only Ma's. and you two have the weekend off, so … Have fun!" I grab my mug and hurry out of the kitchen before one of the women can protest, biting my lips with furrowed brows while I run up the stairs.

"Jane?" I hear Maura from the kitchen and know that she wasn't buying it for one second, but I don't respond and close the bedroom door behind me like it's my very own sanctuary and no one's going to invade it, not even Maura. I know that it is just an imagination, but I will give it a try. I will try that Maura's feeling normal again and doesn't think about anything that happened during her kidnapping. And to be honest, wedding planning was never one of my favorite things to do. Instead, I decide to take a shower before I go to the gym and let off some steam. I know I need it and I know that Maura also need normalcy. And maybe, just maybe they'll thank me for it.

I roll my eyes at myself and empty my mug. Who am I trying to fool?

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I haven't been long in the gym until my phone started to buzz and I am more than happy that I told dispatch that they shouldn't call neither Nina nor Maura because they have a well-deserved weekend off, and I demanded that they don't call Frankie either. So, it's just Korsak and me, and Kent. Right now, I am grateful to have someone like Kent in the team, otherwise, we wouldn't know what's the problem with our only witness, who is autistic. His sister was supposed to watch him but drove with her car to a friend's place to party and locked him in the trunk of her car, and after enough partying she followed another girl and smashed her head in after flirting with her crush and forgot about her very own brother who told Kent to the point where they went to.

Luckily, her brother is more reliable than the sister is, and it doesn't even take us twenty-four hours until we solve the case.

The sister couldn't believe that her 'degenerate' brother actually brought her down.

I can really much believe it and give the girl the chance to tell me what happened, and that made her to kill a young man who was about to move to California and study law.

Jealousy is a bitch, like life- But that doesn't mean that it grants you permission to kill someone.

The funny thing is, I needed that fast closure as well, I didn't have the time to think about the things that had happened. I just hope that Maura's having a good time, too.

I turn my head the moment I hear a clicking of heels behind me and a deep frown is crawling up on my forehead the second I see the DA Gabriella Bruneau approaching me from behind. She is in the age of forty-two. She has a faint complexion, curly red hair neatly braided, and green eyes. She is tall, of average weight, and is dressed in slacks and a button-up shirt. I like her, but I have to suppress an annoyed groan. Somehow, I know why she came to the bullpen.

Korsak looks over the rim of his glasses at me and opens his mouth in surprise.

I am glad that Frankie isn't at the bullpen right now. He and Bruneau have a … history.

"Jane." Gabriella simply says.

I clench my jaw and turn my chair to her, smiling forced. "Gabriella, hey. What brings you here?"

She's crossing her arms over her chest. "I went down to Dr. Isles' office to go through my procedure in court only to be told that she didn't come to her office for today even though she knew about the appointment."

Crap, that I totally forgot. I think that was what Maura wanted to tell me this morning before I left for work, but I still insisted that she and Nina take a day off and enjoy themselves. And before she'd protest any more, I slipped out of the front door with a final goodbye. Crap!

"This is on me." Korsak suddenly states and Gabriella and I look in surprise at him. "I told Dr. Isles to go back home because we don't have an ongoing case and she looked like she could need some more rest."

Gabriella blinked at him and then she's raising her eyebrows. "That's great."

"Come back tomorrow?"

"I've got other things to do than to run after my key witness, Sergeant."

I pretend to get my phone from my belt with furrowed eyes and look at the DA. "I give Dr. Isles a call and ask her to come in, okay. No need to lose your composure."

Gabriella takes a deep breath and shifts from one foot to the other. "How long does she need to be here?"

Korsak scoffs and rolls his eyes.

"I have no idea," I laugh myself and glance long at the other woman. "I'm not calling her yet, am I?"

Gabriella glares at her and then she huffs. "Tell her to meet me tomorrow in my office."

Korsak smiles broadly without her seeing it and I wriggle my brows, putting my phone back where it belongs. "Yes, Ma'am." I have to fight hard not to laugh when she's giving me a scowl before she leaves the bullpen.

"Why again isn't Maura in the morgue?" Korsak now asks and frowns a little.

I clear my throat. "Because I told her to stay at home and spend some time with Nina and the wedding planning."

He rolls his eyes and I chuckle amused. "Thanks for having my back, Vince."

He doesn't look at me but grumbles. "You're welcome."

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I come home and frown because I hear laughter coming from the center of the house, the living room. Apparently, me forcing Maura staying at home wasn't the worse idea. I round the corner and see Nina, Ma and Maura sitting around the coffee table, on sitting accommodations, of course, and having a glass of fancy champagne, or whatever girls use to drink during a wedding planning. I's not like I've never joined a planning and didn't have had the girly giggles, okay, I didn't giggle as much as the others did because I thought that it'd be silly. Well, I am not that kind of girl, I think that's beyond obvious.

I frown as soon as three sets of eyes land on me and I freeze. "What?" They look at me like they've been talking about me instead of Nina's wedding and I clear nervously my throat, nodding to the kitchen. "Maura, can I talk to you for a moment?"

She's still smiling broadly and gets up from the couch, excusing herself, then she follows me in the kitchen.

"Why on earth did you look at me like I'm a guinea pig you're about to cut open?" mumble so the other two women can't hear me.

Her smile grows bigger and she shrugs. "We were sharing … stories."

I cross my arms over my chest, inhale deeply and quirk an eyebrow. "Stories?"

Maura steps closer to me and runs her hands down my arms. "Nothing bad." She frowns when I nod. "Why do you want to talk to me, Jane?"

I drop my arms again and sigh, brows furrowed. "Um, Gabriella Bruneau showed up at the bullpen today. She said that you were supposed to meet her at your office."

She rolls her eyes and walks behind the counter. "That's why I tried to tell you this morning, but apparently you didn't want to hear about it."

My shoulders slump and I turn to her. Yeah, I know, I am the one to blame this time. "I know, and I am sorry that I ran out of the house before you'd end your sentence. Anyway, she wanted me to tell you that she's expecting you tomorrow in her office. She wants to talk to you about her procedure because you are her -"

"Key witness," Maura states dryly and opens the door of the fridge, getting a bottle of beer for me out of it.

I take it from her hands and open it. "Are you okay with it?"

"Me being a witness," Maura asks and I nod approvingly. "I don't have much of a choice, do I?" She pauses and takes a deep breath. "It's not the first time that I am testifying at court, Jane."

"True, but you're normally as an expert at court and not a witness. The only …"

Maura is silent for a moment and licks her lips. "The only witness who is still breathing."

I nod in approval and sigh one more time before I take a swig from my beer. "I don't want her to ask too much of you. I mean -"

"Jane, I'll be fine."

Perhaps you are for real, but will I? I know it sounds selfish and it really is, but I already had a hard time to listen to what Maura was willed to share with me in our very own bed, in our bedroom, in our privacy. It's different at court, there are no secrets in there. And usually the defense lawyer is trying to discredit witnesses, cops and experts of all kinds to clear their client of a charge, at all costs. Thank God, in court are no guns allowed, otherwise - "Jane?" I blink as I hear my name and notice that Maura's standing in front of me now, touching my hand that is holding tightly onto the bottle. "Will you be okay?"

I take a moment before I nod. "Yeah, I'll be okay, too." I take a deep breath, shaking all the stress inwardly off that is caused by the thought that Maura is sitting on the witness stand and testifying in O'Keefe's case. I wrap my arm around her waist and smile down at her. "Come on, let's rejoin Ma and Nina before they share embarrassing stories about us."

Maura chuckles but then she stops walking. I am about to ask what's wrong when she stands on her tiptoes and kisses me lightly. She smirks the second my brows shoot up. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For caring about me even though I gave you a hard time."

I want to tell her that she's more than welcome, I want to tell her that ever since I got to know her I cared for her, I want to tell her that there is nothing in this world that could change that, but those words even sound stupid in my head, so I keep them for myself. "Come on." I simply say and she nods in agreement.


	18. Chapter 18

**Thank you for all the nice reviews, guy, I appreciate it very much. I hope you'll like this chapter as much as the previous one. It's short, though. Anyway,**

 **Enjoy,**

 **T73.**

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I haven't seen Maura the entire day and I decided to leave her alone because I am sure that the meeting with Gabriella was no picnic and that she needs some time for herself. Months ago, I would have hurried down to Maura's office and ask her how the meeting went only to give my girlfriend the opportunity to pick up another fight. Today, I'm wiser, that's why I went to the Dirty Robber after my shift to grab a burger and a beer. Maybe I meet with Frankie and Nina there, too. I am right but pause when I enter the bar and see my little brother shaking his head vehemently, and I can see Nina's worried expression. I ignore the voice in the back of my head that tells me to run as fast as I can and approach the two. "What's the matter," I ask with a nervous laugh.

"Run!" Frankie whispers low and my heart begins to race. What the … Did I burst into some kind of armed robbery? I doubt so, the Dirty Robber is known as a cop's bar and only totally wackos would dare to commit a crime in here. But who knows. "Run fast, Jane. Get outta here."

My hand automatically finds its way to my gun and my body tense up.

It seems like Nina has noticed the move and also whispers to me, "It's Angela."

I immediately relax again. I doubt that my mother is going postal. I furrow my brows and shrug because it lies in the eye of the beholder. I know how crazy my mother can get. I still ignore the voice in the back of my head and sit down at the table after I took my jacket off. "It can't be that worse."

"Oh, you know our mother, Jane." Frankie replies, and I can tell that he means it. Perhaps I really should get out of here immediately, perhaps I should listen to the warning of Frankie and Nina.

"Angela, you really should stay out of it." I hear Korsak say and I am hoping that he's talking about the planning of my brother's wedding. I turn my head and I am even more alerted when I see his face after he comes out of the kitchen. My mother's following him, and her eyes light up the moment she sees me. "Angela!"

Frankie points with his index finger at her, warningly. "Ma, don't!"

She ignores both of them and I wish I'd rather be in Maura's office and have an argue instead of being here. "Jane, I got an idea."

Uh-oh. The glee in her eyes isn't implying anything good. I really should grab my jacket and get out of here before Ma can reach me. I know that my getaway would hurt her but that's nothing that couldn't get fixed with a little patience and endeavor.

Nina is the next who speaks, "Angela, I don't think that it would be appropriate if -"

Ma also ignores her soon-to-be daughter-in-law and cuts Nina off, "Why don't you and Frankie have a double wedding?"

Frankie groans loudly and throws his hands up in the air, Nina closes her eyes and rubs the bridge of her nose, and Korsak rolls his eyes without any sound.

I, on the other hand, stare at my mother like completely lost her mind and blink a couple of times. She didn't just say that, did she? What happened to her restraint. I raise my brows high. "What?"

Our mother ignores the warning signal. "We could kill two birds with one stone. Nina gets married to Frankie, and Maura gets married to you."

"No!" I growl and get up from the chair again to leave. I am beyond happy that it's already that late that the Dirty Robber is empty because I know that I won't be able to keep my upcoming anger at bay.

Ma's happy smile drops immediately. "Why not?"

"Because it's not an option, Ma."

"You were about to propose to Maura anyway. Why -"

"That was **before** Maura got abducted by Taylor O'Keefe, mother." I cut her off loudly now and neither of the others make a sound. "Ever since that a lot of things have changed. You know what happened after Maura got to know about my plan to propose to her? We broke up and I ended up in a shabby apartment above the Dirty Robber." I pause and look at Korsak. "No offense, Vince." He turns the corners of his mouth downward and shakes his head. I turn my attention back to Ma and sigh. "Ma, I know that you only want Maura and me to be happy, and that you really want us to share the rest of our lives together like Frankie and Nina are about to, but we are not ready to take this kind of step just yet. Maybe we will never be ready to take the step, after all that happened."

"But -"

"And bringing that topic up shortly before the trail starts wasn't the best idea, either." Nina reasons and Ma is slowly nodding now. "I know that you are really excited because of our wedding, but it isn't necessary to push Maura and Jane into something they don't really want to do now. See it from that point, maybe you'll get the chance to plan a second wedding, or even a third."

Ma frowns deeply. "A third?"

"Nina's talking about Tommy, Ma." I say and roll my eyes; my anger is gone as fast as it came up.

Ma huffs and puts her hands on her hips. "For that he need to date someone."

"I'm sure you have something in my already." Frankie states and I smile, just like Nina.

My mother mumbles something incomprehensible before she disappears in the kitchen again.

I groan and make my way to the bar counter and Nina is following me. "Have you really planned to propose to Maura?"

Korsak shoves a bottle of beer to me and I take it into my hand, glancing at the label. "Yeah, I was planning to propose to her on the weekend but then O'Keefe kidnapped her. And then, before she and I broke up, I was walking down the memory lane and had a talk with my mother. Unfortunately, I had the engagement ring down in our kitchen as well and left it there before I went to bed. Maura found it the next morning on the kitchen counter and went nuts because she thought this would be my way asking her to marry me."

"That's why you broke up?"

"It was one of many reasons."

She's nodding and knows better than to ask any other question.

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I came home late and sneak into the bedroom, changing into my sleeping clothes and brushing my teeth before I slip into bed. I sigh heavily and skid closer to my girlfriend, wrapping my arm around her. I hope that I was quiet enough, so I didn't … Maura turns to me and I can tell that she's studying my face in the dark. Crap!

"Hey," she whispers softly, and I make out a small smile.

"Hey," I reply and frown a little. "I didn't want to wake you."

"You didn't." she states, and I am alerted again. "Well, I was dozing."

I nod slowly, and my frown deepens. "Any particular reason that kept you awake?"

She takes a deep breath and shakes her head. "It's just some of those nights."

I tug a strand of hair behind her ear and nod slowly. I know those nights very well and also know that they can be painfully long. I suspect that she has had another nightmare but don't want to tell me about it right now.

"What is bothering you," Maura asks, and I hate the fact that she knows me so well.

I groan and turn onto my back. "It's nothing that can't wait until tomorrow." So, my mother has to face the music when Maura's freaking out. I don't want her to stay up all night just because she is mad at Ma, or at me. Okay, I can tell her a little bit. "Ma only had a really crazy idea."

"About what?"

"I'll tell you about it tomorrows, Maura."

Maura is shifting and leans up on her elbow. "Jane."

I roll my eyes even though she can't see it and tuck my arm behind my head. "Ma got the crazy idea of a double wedding while planning Frankie's. And I told her to back off." I start to chew on the inside of my cheek because she falls silent. I really should learn how to shut my mouth sometimes, especially when it comes to sensitive topic that once made us break up even though it was just for some time. I blink a couple of times when I suddenly feel a head on my shoulder and a hand that slips underneath my tank top. I expected a lot of things, but that I did not see coming. And I didn't see the kiss on my chin coming, either. "Okay," I say with a smile but that's all because that would ruin the moment.

"I love you." She whispers and puts her head back on my shoulder. "You know that, don't you?"

I look down at her and furl my brows. How can she doubt that I know that she loves me? I am not thinking that because I wanna pick up a fight, I wonder because if I wouldn't know it, I wouldn't be here anymore. I would be gone for a long time. Don't get me wrong, I already left but that was not because I thought that it'd be the best for both of us if we take a time-out before we'd be at each other's throat. Okay, and the fact that Maura actually had said that she loves me so much that it hurt didn't make things any better back then, and that she hated me in the same time. But that's past and today we are better, I know that. I nod slowly and pull her closer to me. "I know. And I love you, Maura." I pause and wait for her outburst, but it doesn't come. "You're not mad at my mother?"

Maura takes a deep breath and hesitates for a moment. "No, I am not."

I must have misheard right now because her response makes me speechless, for a moment. "You're not mad? How so?"

She puts her chin on my shoulder and looks long at me. "It wouldn't change anything, even if I'd be mad at Angela. I am sure that you made it clear that it is … inappropriate."

"I was about to strangle here when she brought the topic up all happy." I reply, and she scoffs. "Frankie, Nina and Korsak tried to put her into her place again."

"In vain?"

"Yes."

She smiles broadly but something is mirrored in her eyes. I can't tell what it is because it's dark, but I can tell that it's there. "It's not like I don't want to marry you, Jane." She finally says and intertwines our fingers.

My heart drops because I know that there is a but and I am not sure that I wanna hear it right now. I can live with our current arrangement, I don't need to be officially married, though it would be … I would like it, very much. I don't need it, but I would like it, but I keep that thought to myself. At least there is one thing I can keep to myself at the end. "We don't have to talk about it, Maura."

She sighs heavily, and I hear her swallowing hard. "It seems so unfair, Jane. We were happy together."

"Aren't we anymore?"

"We were happy on a different level, Jane." She says and sits up, turning the bedside lamp on. "We were about to start a family and you were about to ask me if I want to marry you. And now we are trying to pick up the pieces that Taylor O'Keefe has left behind."

Actually, she is right, but I won't admit it. "But we're doing good at picking up the pieces, don't we?"

Maura sighs again and glances long at me. "But what it took from us until we became good at picking them up, Jane. We fought, we gave each other the silent treatment, we try to compensate the problems with sex and in the end, we broke up."

I sit up and run my hand through my hair. "And after a short while, we got back together."

"Jane, it was almost more than six months."

"Does the amount of time really count?"

"Yes, to me it does."

I don't think that I like where this is going, and I try to prepare myself for what is coming next. "So … this is it? We're done? After all we went through, you think we don't stand a chance anymore?" She is silent for a moment and turns her back to me without answering my question, and I feel a well-known anger bubbles up in me again. It's not the same anger I felt earlier that day. This anger is pure and hot, and I don't give a fuck who's hit by it. "Seriously? Now you are breaking up with me, Maura? You can't be serious. I mean, I am patient with you, and try to keep things like marriage away from you, but you think it's the best to end our relationship again just because my mother went all crazy about a double wedding?"

Maura turns back to me and scowls at me for a second before she hands me the little black box that holds the engagement ring and my heart drops. I am going to pay this son of a bitch another visit and this time I am going to kill this bastard for real. I am not afraid of a life sentence or even losing my job. Not anymore.

"I am tired of this kind of life, Jane." Maura states and my eyes find hers, and I have to swallow down the lump in my throat and blink the tears in my eyes back. So that's it. "I want you to take this back."

I clench my jaw and nod slowly. "Okay." I croak and swallow one more time hard.

She cups my left cheek and makes me to look at her, a smile is on her lips. "I want you to take this back and I want you to think of an appropriate way to propose to me. As you know, I do like French food."

Wait, what? Is this is really happen? Is she telling me that it is safe to pop the question anytime soon? Is Maura really telling me that we are almost done with healing? I know that there is still a lot in progress but that she is ready to take the next step? I can tell that she can see all the questions in my eyes because she's smiling broadly before she kisses me gently before she turns the light off again. "Goodnight, Jane."

Goodnight? She has to be kidding, right? Like I could find any sleep after this. I groan once more and put the box in the top drawer of my nightstand and I have to think of a perfect way to ask Maura to marry me. There is no time to sleep.


	19. Chapter 19

**Oh man, that was a HELL of a writer's block when it came to that story. I hope you guys are still with me.**

 **I really hope that you will like this very new update of this story.**

 **you're welcome to share your thoughts with me :-)**

 **Enjoy,**

 **T73**

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Right now, I'm sitting at my desk in the bullpen and am toying with the engagement ring I have chosen before Maura's kidnapping, wondering if she was serious about being ready to get encaged or if it was just a bait I haven't taken yet, but I really consider it. To be honest, I am a little afraid of her reaction if she isn't really ready and wonder if this would be the reason to end our relationship once and for all. I'm so lost in my thoughts that I don't hear someone approaching me from behind, that's why I nearly jump out of my skin when that someone is asking me, "What have you got there," Nina's asking and I can see the amusement in her eyes.

I furrow my brows and wanna try to hide the damn thing but I know that it's already too late because my dear friend doesn't seem to have the intention to drop the topic and to tell me something exciting about an ongoing investigation I have no clue about. Please let there be a case I'm not involved. It's rare that I speak a prayer but right now I do. I smile coyly at her and drop heedless the ring in the top drawer of my desk. "I don't know what you're talking about," I reply and know instantly that she's not buying it because Nina's crossing her arms over her chest and raises her brows a little. I roll my eyes and get the damn ring back out of the drawer showing it to her.

Nina's staring at it and confusion is mirrored in her eyes. "I know that ring. If I remember right I came with you to pick it."

I roll my eyes once more and place it back in its rightful box. "I am aware of that."

"And why are you staring at it like it's about to jump at you and bite you?"

"It's because of Maura."

Nina gives me the chance to explain further but asks when I stay silent, "What about her?"

I take a moment and am not really sure how to answer that question. I'm even not sure what to think about my girlfriend's change of mind. Sure, I started to tell her what I was feeling when Maura was kidnapped and that, at some point, I even thought that she was dead. That it was killing me from the inside that Maura wasn't talking to me about the nightmares she had and that I hated it that she withdrew herself from me and everyone else. That it was killing me that she didn't talk to me about the loose we both suffered. I mean, I really have no idea what was going on in her mind the moment she realized that our baby was gone. I only know what was going on in my head when I carried her out of the damn cottage. The moment I understood that there was no baby anymore, but to be honest I didn't care about that in the second I had Maura, the love of my life, back in my arms, back in my live, alive. Dehydrated, covered in blood, hypothermic and almost unconscious, but alive. Breathing and alive. I flinch when I hear Nina clearing her throat and look at her. "She's … I don't know, I think she's expecting that I'll pop the question any time soon."

I can tell that my brother's fiancée is surprised and she's sitting down on the chair that is standing next to my desk. "Why are you thinking that?"

I lean back in my chair and huff, turning to her. "Because last night we were lying in bed and she said to me that it's time for me to think about a way to propose."

She makes a face and hold up a hand. "I don't wanna know any details."

I laugh shortly and shake my head. "There are no dirty details that I wouldn't share with you anyway."

She's shifting in the chair and studies me for a moment. "But that's great, isn't it? It means that she's progressing and that she isn't blaming you anymore for what happened to her. That she's ready to take the next step."

I nod slowly but tap with the tip of my index finger against the drawer, frowning. "I guess it means that, Nina. But I'm afraid that it's just one more good moment and as soon as I bring myself to propose to her, that I'll screw it up once more. And that we won't be able to fix our relationship once again." I pause and shrug. "I mean, it was already hard enough to fix it after she freaked out just because I left that damn thing on the kitchen counter and Maura thought I'd propose the morning after I told my mother about my plans before Maura got kidnapped."

Nina looks long at me and takes her time before she's speaking again, licking her lips. "You're thinking that the ring we've picked could trigger something, aren't you?"

I scoff, answering, "Very good, Detective."

She chuckles but rolls her eyes. "How about we have lunch together at the Dirty Robber and after that we go and check out the jewelry in close area just to get an idea what you're looking for this time?" She pauses and looks in the direction of her work station. "Unless you get called to a new crime scene."

I smile thankfully at her. Sure, she isn't Frost and she could never replace him, but we all know that she even isn't trying to. That she is who she is and that she asks every now and then about her precursor and our stories with Frost. And we all know that she understands how it feels when you lose someone close. Of course, Frost wasn't as close to me as Nina's fiancé was to her, but we told her that he was a kind of brother to us. That's it, she didn't need to know more.

Anyway, I'm really gratefully to call Nina my friend. I smile at her and take a deep breath. "Thank you, Nina."

She gets up from the chair and smiles back at me. "You're welcome." She pauses because even I can feel that suddenly I have a funny expression. "What's wrong?"

I swallow down the lump in my throat and place the velvet box back in the top drawer, closing it slowly. "I … I need to be somewhere else before I make up my mind once and for all. Give me a call if we are needed! Lunch tomorrow?"

She frowns deeply but nods once. "Sure."

I get up and get my jacket from the back from my chair. I feel bad because I turned Nina down even though she only wants to help but I also know that she understands that I need some time for myself right now to think her suggestion over. I leave the bullpen without saying goodbye and don't pay attention on my way to my car. I don't get cold feed, though, I just need some time for myself.

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My sanctuary is always the grave of my unborn baby but today I didn't come here guilty conscience or to punish myself, wondering what if. Since Maura and I talked about how we really feel about what happened and that we are both traumatized I started to understand that it won't help when I die of sorrow because nothing can undo the passing of this little life. I started to understand it and I think Maura also, perhaps that's why she hinted that I should think of a decent way to propose. It might sound strange but ever since that day I came here once in a week and the sight of our child's headstone fills me with grief but in the same time it fills me with hope. Because how painful it is it shows that she and I can make it, no matter how hard our lives get. We can do it, we are strong enough to get through whatever life has on hand for us next. We might crumble and then we raise again, together and stronger. It happened before and it maybe happens again, in the future. We fall, raise and pick up the pieces, I know we can do this.

Every time I come here I bring a little stuffed animal with me and place it on the grave. I started to buy them the second I got to know that my girlfriend was pregnant, Maura brings always a fresh bouquet of flowers when she comes here. I can tell that she is here once in a week as well because of that. That's fine with me but I don't bring that up and neither does she. I take a deep breath and put my hand on the headstone to say goodbye for today. I am ready to head back to the precinct again but then I stop and look in a certain direction before I head to it. Unfortunately, I know this cemetery by heart. Not only because one of my best friends is buried here but also others who were close to me. Damn, now I realize that I attended a lot of funerals, way too many for my liking. I get closer to my destination and notice a familiar silhouette standing there. I would recognize this person everywhere and I feel a tug on my heart at that thought because I meat this person for the first time because of an unpleasant reason that is called murder. One that I caught a couple of years ago, me and my old team. My old team, that means Korsak, Maura and Frost, and every now and then Frankie. Back then this person was only a little girl that had been saved from a blazing building by firefighters just like her parents, unfortunately her twin brother wasn't as lucky and died in the flames. I don't know why but I am not a person, and not a cop, who isn't touched by the victim's story, especially when it comes to children. There are cases when even I think that the victim asked for such an ending, especially when it comes to prostitutes, junkies, drug dealers, burglars, car thieves or pickpockets, I called them in the beginning lowlifes but step by step I started to understand that there is always a story behind it all. That those persons haven't been born and their fate was sealed at second one, that there had to be a moment when they went astray, a sticking point.

I step close to the young woman and place my left hand carefully on her shoulder so I won't scare the shit out of her. She's jumping a little and turns her head. Her brown eyes meet mine and suddenly the nine-year-old girl who can't understand what is happening stands in front of me again. The little girl who has asked me to attend the funeral of her twin brother and held my hand while her parents stared absentmindedly ahead of them like they focused on their very own grief instead of comforting their little girl who survived the fire. They never looked at her or even touched her like they were blaming her for surviving instead of the boy. I still remember her standing next to me and holding my hand, squeezing it tightly but she didn't shed a tear. She was brave, not like her mother who begged to get her little boy back, it seemed to me that the father was emotionally distant, sealed off. Perhaps that's why the marriage didn't work out in the end. Her mother started drinking and her father had been barely there. Either he spent his time at work or at pubs. Perhaps that's why this sweet little girl ended up in the system, the grinder. It broke my heart when I got to know that because I knew that she was a good kid, that sweet girl, and maybe it broke my heart because I knew that sometimes that system didn't do any good to this kind of kids, the one who had got neglected because they weren't enough for their parents.

Frost got the sparking idea that we had to deal with a firebug because there had been several fires around this area that time. It didn't change the girl's fate, but it turned out that the guy who set her house on fire was a twenty-year-old guy who stalked Skye and got mad because her parents let order him off a playground he hung around and waited for their daughter, talking and playing with her. Happily, one day her father came to said playground to pick her up and caught him leading Skye into the direction of a car. Happily, Mr. Atkin was quick-thinking, bottled Julian Bilous up and called the cops. Julian Bilous, pedophile and a firebug, this guy still makes me sick.

This girl's fate. I smile a little and step closer. This girl is a grown woman now, twenty-two, God, I start to feel old. Skye has a pale complexion, straight medium brown hair in a mid-length ponytail, and brown eyes. She is a little short, athletic and is dressed in jeans and a black shirt. "You brought the bouquet of white callas," I ask softly.

She takes a moment and shrugs. "I hope you don't mind," she replies with a British accent and I have to smile once again. It still amazes me that she kept it after all those years.

Shortly after we caught the case I learned that Skye and her family immigrated from a village in UK to the U.S three years before her brother died in the fire. And after that tragic I promised the girl that I would never lose sight of her, don't know how I managed that, though. Î shake my head because it isn't the first time that I come my child's grave and find two bouquets there. I know that Frankie and Ma come here every now and then, too, but I also know that they rarely bring flowers with them. And there were some days when I came here and saw someone standing at the grave and vanished like a ghost when I came closer, deep down I always knew that it was Skye. When I caught her one day she was embarrassed and apologized for stopping at our child's grave and that she would understand if I'd ask her to stop doing that, that she didn't want to intrude my private life. At that day I stared at her before I pulled her into a tight hug. Not only because I was touched but also because during that time I felt lonely and that Skye somehow understood what kind of loss this was. At some point on her own and somehow so I was thinking, for myself.

However, as I said, I stayed true to my word and kept an eye on Skye just as I did on Tasha. I kept track of their growth and professional career. It didn't surprise me when I got to know that Skye turned out to be an arson investigator. I shake my head and take a deep breath. "Not at all. I stop by here every now and then, too."

She nods slowly. "I know." She is silent for a moment and looks back at the headstone of her brother. "How is Maura doing?"

"She's getting better." I reply but clench my jaw.

I can tell that she notices it because of her frown. "How about you? How are you doing?"

I take a moment and smile a little. "I'm getting better, too."

"Such a loss is a load, for both parents. And those they leave behind because of their grief." She whispers more to herself and drops her eyes to the ground.

I turn her away from the grave and start to walk. "Let's have a cup of coffee and a little talk." I suggest it because I sense that there is something weighting heavily on her and I know exactly what it is but here is not the right place to talk about it.

"Can I have something that is stronger than coffee," she suddenly asks and I take a look at my watch. "Unless -"

"How about I pick you up after my shift?" I cut her off because I know that she noticed what time of day it is.

Skye smiles at me and nods.

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Right after I came back to BPD I went straight down to Maura's office and told her that I ran into Skye Atkin at the cemetery. At first my girlfriend was confused why I had been there at that day of week but pushed her confusion to the side after she has seen my face and knew that I wouldn't answer her question or even come up with a white lie. However, I told Maura that it could get late and that she shouldn't wait up for me. In the past I haven't done that and got wasted, called Frankie to pick me up and stumbled into the bedroom heedlessly. In those nights we either ended up fighting or fucking hard to forget all the pain we felt. Neither way was the best because in the next morning both of us pretended that it never happened. At some point I felt like I was takin advantage of Maura, sometimes it even felt like I was kinda raping her, that's another reason why I started to shut myself away.

I place a bottle of beer in front of Skye and sit down on the opposite of her, pushing those thoughts to the back of my mind. "There you go."

Skye sits there and starts picking at the label of the beer. "Does it get any better with some time?"

I know exactly what the young woman is talking about and look long at her, answering honestly, "God, I hope so."

A smile is shooing over her lips and I chuckle but only for a second because she becomes serious again. "I know that it sounds ridiculous because Kyle died at the age of six, but I still miss him."

I nod to myself and furrow my brows. "And today more than ever."

Her eyes shoot to mine and she takes a sip of the beer, a large one. "Yes, today more than ever."

I know that feeling very well, I still feel it every day. "It's the anniversary of your brother's death, Skye. It's okay to feel that way."

"It's sixteen years ago," she growls and squeezes the bottle so tight that her knuckles turn white.

I know that feeling very well and place my hand on her wrist so she's noticing that she's strangling the bottle. "Again, he was your brother!" I take a second and continue. "And that night you lost much more than him. You lost your parents, too. Not physically but emotionally."

"Yeah," she replies and closes her eyes. Again, I see the little girl that called me in the middle of the night, asking if she can go home again soon.

I squeeze her wrist again and hope that she knows that I am still here for her. "You survived, Skye. You are so strong. I mean, look at you, not many would have come so far after the things you had to go through."

"So are you, Jane."

"I am not as strong as you are." I reply. I say it not because I want to tickle Skye's vanity but because I mean it for real. She had to go through things no child should and I went through things as an adult I should have been capable to master. "After my -" I stop and correct myself, "After our child died this night I did and said some things no grown person should. You were a child when you lost your brother and … your parents, too."

"Yes, I lost them, too." She agrees and clenches her jaw. "Sometimes, in the children's home, I wondered why I couldn't go back to them, or why I couldn't stay at your place. Sometimes I wondered how it would be to grow up in your home."

I look long at her and a lump is forming in my throat. I can see that this isn't her first beer for the night and that the alcohol is loosening her tongue. And yet I can't hold my own. "You were just six and I was still young and focused on my very own career. I didn't -"

"You kept your promise." Skye cuts me off and gives me one of her rare smiles. "You always have been there when I needed you the most, Jane. And you made sure that good people adopted me. I am not only because of me who I am today. I am who I am today because of you, Maura, Vince and Frost, too. All of you shaped me no matter what happened to me. According to my story I could have ended up as a firebug, too, or become a drug addict, a whore. But all of you believed in me, all of you have been a tower to me. That's what makes a family, that's what makes you a good mother. And what happened to you and Maura is not fair, you didn't deserve it."

I swallow hard and almost empty my first bottle of beer almost with one sip. "I am not as good as you think I am, kid."

"Perhaps not." She agrees and I clench my jaw. "But at least you go and visit your child's grave, the one of whom you never got the chance to meet, once in a week. Kyle's and my parents never did that ever since the funeral. They never went to his grave, they didn't care about anyone else but themselves after Kyle died, and I didn't ask for much after his death."

Oh god, I already heard such a sentence. Not in the same context but already back then it made me extremely angry. "That didn't give your parents the right to neglect you, Skye."

The young woman empties her beer and wiggles her brows. "You are right, that is no excuse for neglecting me. And the thing that still bothers me is that neither of them even tried to fight me. Neither of them even tried to get in touch with me after I have been taken from them. It still hurts that they never asked for me, though."

"So, this is your solution to numb the pain, getting royally drunk?"

Skye laughs, she really laughs. "To be honest, I get wasted only once in a year."

"And today is that day."

She makes big eyes and points at me. "Yes." She's silent for a couple of minutes and sighs. "I hate it, though. I hate to be drunk because I know very well what alcohol can do to people, but today I need it." She takes some time and I nod. "You and Maura are still together, aren't you?"

I sigh heavy and furrow my brows. "Maura and I called it a quit -"

"You aren't a couple anymore." Skye almost shouts and some heads turn to us.

I lean forward and chuckle. "But we're figuring things out right now."

She looks long at me and makes a dramatic gesture. "You two have to be together or I am traumatized once and for all."

I laugh out loud before we clink our bottles. "Thank you."

Skye smirks but shrugs. "I mean it, Jane. I am wishing the best for you, And Maura's the best."

I hesitate because that this girl is right but then I rise my bottle. "We're not here because of me!"

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I carefully snuggle up behind Maura in bed and wrap my arms around her inhaling her scent and feeling bad the moment she stirs.

Maura turns her head a little but doesn't open her eyes. "Hi."

She isn't mad at me and relief washes over me, I kiss her neck gently. "Hey." Maura doesn't turn to me but she's asking, "Skye's staying in our guest room, isn't she?"

I'm nodding against the back of her head. "She is." I hear Maura hum and she's pulling me closer. My eyes are still open and my head is clear.

Maura is silent for a moment like she's pondering if I am drunk or not. "How is she?"

"She's still grieving, maybe even blaming herself for surviving. Skye asked me if this feeling is getting any better."

"What did you say?"

"That I hope so." I answer honestly and kiss the skin of Maura's shoulder. My heart drops because I feel her stiffening under my touch and consider to take some distance again, but I don't. Instead I whisper to her. "I love you."

I feel her relax again. Perhaps that's because I don't start to force myself on her. "I love you too, Jane."

I nestle my nose in the crook of her neck and close my eyes when I feel her thumb caressing my arm. God, it feels like we haven't been together like this for ages. Yeah, sure, we are laying in this bed together like we once used to but somehow it doesn't feel the same ever since O'Keefe came into our lives and almost ruined it. Tonight, it feels more than right to hold Maura in my arms, it feels … I hardly can describe the feeling right now. It feels like we are almost back to our old selves. The ones we used to be two years ago, the ones who barely could keep their hands off each other, the ones who almost died when we couldn't see each other for a day or two. The ones who used to sit on the couch after a long day, planning our future together. The ones who told each other that we can't imagine a live without the other, that we want to grow old together, that we want to … "Marry me." My eyes shoot open the second those words leave my mouth and I curse myself because Maura's body goes rigid again and because I have absolutely no idea where this is coming from.

She doesn't move and I'm not sure if she's even breathing. "What?" She finally whispers back.

"Marry me," I repeat and clench my jaw. Can somebody make me shut up? That's not what I wanted to say. I wanted to take the words back, I wanted to apologize to her for them, I wanted to tell Maura that I don't know where this is coming from all of a sudden.

Hell, that's not how I was planning to propose to Maura, I liked the idea of Nina. Sure, Maura would have been blindsided but it wouldn't be as awkward as it is right now.

Maura takes a deep breath and turns on her back, staring up to the ceiling. "Jane, you are drunk."

I lean up on my elbow and shake my head, placing unintentionally my left hand on her belly. "I promise you I am not, Maura." I reply and am surprised how much hurt is mixed in my voice. "I had two beers all night." I pause and furrow my brows. "Maura, please look at me." I swallow hard because she doesn't comply immediately but when she does I shake my head once more. "I promise you that I am not drunk, and I don't know where this is coming from right now, but I do know that you are the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. We already hit the rocks and we already hit the peak, together. And look at us, Maura. Here we are, still together. You know that I would go through hell and high water for you, and I know so would you for me." I take a deep breath and smile for a second. "And no matter what else life has on hand for us, I know that we can get through it together. So, Maura Isles, will you marry me?"

So, there it is. My proposal. Either she says yes, that she needs time to think about it or she's throwing me out of the bed and bedroom and tells me to go to hell and never coming back. I fear the last possibility the most.

My heart is hammering violently against my chest, I really can't tell what she is thinking right now. Her face is stoic but I can see the thousands of emotions in her eyes but can' name either of them. Shit I really messed things up this time. I close my eyes but they shoot open the second I am pushed on my back and then Maura's straddling my lap. I put my hands on her thighs but frown because I can't make out the meaning of this. I don't move my hands, though, I won't make things any weirder than they are already. I really have to force them in place when she leans forward and kisses me gently. "I take that as a yes." I state when she pulls away again.

"No." Maura replies and I furl my brows.

"No?"

"Yes."

"I'm confused."

"I mean -"

"You know how this is working, right," I ask before she can finish her sentence and chuckle when she's hitting my shoulder.

Maura's smiling broadly at me and nods. "I do know how this works, yes."

I nod as well and wait patiently, for a second. "Well?"

She shrugs dramatically with a glint of humor in her eyes. "You know -"

"Maura!" I whine and want to sit up but I'm pushed back into the mattress.

She's hovering over me and her smile grows huge. "Yes," Maura says and lowers her head. "I will marry you, Jane."

My heart stops for a second before it goes back to work and I lift my head to meet her lips before my mouth is able to ask her if she's really sure about it, and finally I allow my hands to wander up to her back.


	20. Chapter 20

**So, this story is slowly but surely coming to an end, I think there are at least two chapters left to go. Thank you for sticking with it and all your reviews. It really means a lot to me. I also hope that you'll like this update.**

 **Have fun,**

 **T73.**

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The next morning, I come down the stairs and hear a loud and annoyed groan that makes me stop for a brief second, wondering if I really want to know what caused that sound and from whom it came. When I woke up I realized that Maura has sneaked out of the bedroom and ask myself if she made the mistake to tell my mother about the spontaneous proposal of mine and that she indeed say yes.

I take a deep breath and dare to round the corner that leads into the kitchen only to see Skye laying with her upper body on the kitchen island, her face is pressed to its cold surface and her eyes are closed while Ma is working around her and telling her happily stories about my brothers and me. The typical signs of a pretty bad hangover.

Maura is holding a cup in her hands and leans with her hips against the counter. It seems like she's sensing my presence because she turns her head to me and smirks amused what scares the shit out of me. I furrow my brows while I walk towards her and kiss her anyway even though I get the feeling that here's a conspiracy going on. "Hey." I whisper and I receive a smile I almost have forgotten. I lean to her ear and whisper into it. "What's going on here right now?"

Maura sips her coffee and nods in the direction of my mother. "Angela is telling us interesting stories of the first hangover you, Frankie and Tommy had."

"Not at the same time, though." My mother objects a little louder and swings the spatula she's holding in her hand only to receive another groan from Skye and my fiancée chuckles amused.

I grin and pour myself a cup of coffee and direct my question at the young woman. "How are you feeling today, Skye?"

She sighs dramatically and lifts her head. "I feel like someone put an ice pick into my brain."

"We aren't joining your pity party, young lady." My mother says and Skye rolls her eyes. "If you think you are old enough for drinking, you have to live with the consequences."

I hide my smirk behind my mug and glance at Maura who is grinning as well. I know that lecture by heart, Ma told me that every time when I woke up after a long night or showed up for family dinner. "Kid, do you wanna have a coffee, too?"

Ma glances at me and chuckles, opening the fridge already.

Skye straightens up and takes a moment before she answers. "I'd rather have orange juice." She smiles at my mother when she hands her a glass of juice. "Thank you."

Ma glares at me and I duck my head. "That girl still have manners."

I open my mouth to object but then I direct my attention back at Skye. "Seriously, how are you feeling today?"

She takes a swig from the juice and frowns. "Besides the headache I am suffering from? Better."

I smile once and smile.

Maura places her mug on the counter and stands close to me. "It's been a long time the last time we have seen each other. Two years?"

Skye takes a moment with a frown. "Well, according to some … circumstances I thought it would better not to -" She trails off and I want to shake her right now. "Bother you with my very own problems."

Ma scoffs and throws her hands up. "Nonsense!"

"Ma!" I admonish her immediately.

Maura shakes her head and places a hand on my arm, looking directly at Skye. "Angela is right, that's nonsense." She agrees and frowns deeply. "You don't bother me at all, Skye."

Skye takes a large sip of the juice and looks at me with huge eyes like she's silently bagging for some support but I can't come up with any. She rolls her eyes and her shoulders slump. "I mean after all what happened to you, Maura. I thought that you didn't need someone who is crying over her past."

I swallow hard because I can see all kind of emotions in Maura's eyes and even my mother keeps her mouth shut this time. I furrow my brows the moment my fiancée rounds the kitchen island and release my breath when Maura wraps her arms around the younger woman's shoulders and kisses the side of Skye's head like they've done this for years. She keeps her head close to the girl and doesn't break the embrace. "No matter what happens in Jane's or my life, Skye, or how busy seem to be, we are only one call away from you when you need us. I want you to know that you are a part of this family and that all of us care about each other, no matter how hard the times are."

Skye doesn't say anything, she only nods and smiles like understands that Maura really means it and that it's okay to give us a call when she needs us, no matter if it's day or night. Like the young woman finally understands that she isn't alone even if she's feeling like she is at that time.

Ma smiles broadly like she's silently saying the same Skye did last time, that something like that makes a good parent.

I'm about to open my mouth and to tell her not to say her thoughts out loud when the doorbell suddenly draws all of our attention to the front door.

Maura looks confused at me and asks, "Are you expecting someone?"

I snort and place my mug on the counter before I start to head for the door. "Not at that time of the day … unless you are ringing for a morning run." I smirk when I get an eye roll as response and open the door thoughtlessly. I stop dead when I look into the face of DA Gabriella Bruneau. I stare at her in horror and want to slam the door shut again.

Apparently, she knows me better than I thought because she presses her body past me into my house and says warningly. "Don't even think about it, Jane."

I close the door loudly and growl through gritted teeth, "What the hell are you doing here, Gabriella?"

She stops in the hall and swirls to me. "I think that your girlfriend had had enough time to think about what happened and that I gave her more than enough time to contact me. Not enough that I had to deal with O'Keefe's defensive tactics for the last couple of months, no, I also have to run after my key witness for the same amount of time and then I have to deal with you and your family, too."

I step closer to her and I know that my face is dark, I can feel it. Not only because of Gabriella's intrusion but also because I am very well aware of what O'Keefe is trying to achieve with his delays. "And I told you that Maura is going to contact you when she's ready. Obviously, she isn't yet, and now get out of -"

"Jane!" I hear Maura say and I turn my attention to the woman I love and who is standing in the hallway too now. "Stop."

First, my jaw drops to the floor but I pick it up quickly and growl low which makes Gabriella looking at me. I am not angry at Maura for interrupting me, on the contrary, I think that it is better that she stopped me otherwise I'D have thrown the lawyer out of the door, literally.

Maura takes a deep breath and points with her hand down the hallway. "Gabriella, let's have a talk in my study."

The lawyer glares at me and follows Maura's direction Maura's pointing to without directing a single word at me.

Maura looks long at me and for some reason I lower my gaze. I'm not really sure why, maybe because I have the feeling that I'm again butting in in her business, which I told myself not to do again, or maybe because I don't wanna see the anger in her eyes. My eyes snap up as soon as I feel a light touch on my arm and meet hers. There is no anger in them but kindness. I hear her say, "I'll be alright, Jane. This is unavoidable."

I take a deep breath and nod slowly. "We're right in the kitchen if you need -"

She cuts me off with a sweet kiss and my hand finds its way to her hip. "I know." She whispers and I swallow hard before she kisses me again like she's trying to assure me that everything will be okay. Not alright but okay. "I love you."

I hold her in place and nod with closed eyes. God, I hope that everything will be at least okay because such enormous set-backs like the last times I would not survive. I inhale sharply and nod once again, saying, "I love you too."

She smiles at me and follows the DA quickly because both of us know that Gabriella isn't very familiar to our house.

I take another deep breath before I go back into the kitchen and avoid two sets of eyes, especially those of my mother. I lean with my hands on the kitchen counter and close my eyes to sort my thoughts out. Foolishly I was hoping that the DA's office wouldn't need Maura's testimony anymore even though the cop in me knew better. I know that she's going to be the last nail to his casket and still I was fooling myself by thinking that they'd have enough time to collect more evidence. What is better than the statement of a person how survived Taylor O'Keefe? The answer is nothing.

"Gabriella," I hear my mother ask but I don't look at her, answering. "Yeah."

"Gabriella Bruneau?"

"Yeah."

The ex-girlfriend of your brother is the attorney in this case?"

That's when I lose it and growl through clenched teeth. "Yes, mother. Gabriella Bruneau is the attorney who is bringing O'Keefe to justice."

"Good God." She groans.

My head snaps up and I am about to lose it when my phone, that is laying on the counter starts to buzz. "Really?" I bark at it and decide to ignore it for the next five minutes, opening my mouth to trounce my mother. To tell her that no matter what happened between Gabriella and Frankie in the past, it won't restrain Gabriella's ability as an attorney and her sense of justice. I open my mouth when my phone starts buzzing again and I growl low at it.

"I got this." Skye suddenly says and hands me my phone and our eyes meet. "You go and do your job and I'll take care of Maura and your mother. I got this, Jane."

I look long at her and frown deeply. "You sure?"

She nods with raised eyebrows. "Otherwise you know where your next crime scene will take place."

A small smile is cracking free and I take my phone from her hands. "Alright." I start to head towards the stairs and say loudly, "I don't like it but alright." I glare at the phone and bark into it, "Rizzoli!"

My mother chuckles and Skye rolls her eyes. I suppress a growl while heading to the stairs.

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I'm sitting silently in the courtroom, staring at the back of O'Keefe's head like I'm trying to bore a whole into it. I've attended many trails but none of them were as farcical as this one.

What's more, we are currently working on a really complex case. In the last two days four uniformed were shot dead in the streets in the broad daylight but somehow there is not one witness to be found, which is really abstruse. Right now, I spend more time at courthouses than at home with my family, so I am really grateful for Skye's and my mother's support. I can tell that Maura would rather spend her time in the lab than here but Gabriella is unrelenting. Especially when it comes to her only eye witness that is still alive.

While Maura was sitting on the stand, O'Keefe was staring at her, almost undressing her with his eyes and I could see how she forced herself not to vomit in front of everyone. Gabriella gave her the chance to take a breath and to have some water because she noticed the same, she noticed that my fiancée needed a break every now and then. Especially when it came to the night she found herself in the hole, watching another victim dying slow and painful.

I felt sick when Maura told that she came around in the cabin and how she realized that O'Keefe must have undressed her. I felt my mother's hand on my thigh, squeezing it tightly, almost digging her nails into it. Frankie got up from the bench at that point and left the room. I know why he couldn't stand this. Not because he once had a crush on Maura but because that night was a cause she lost our child. Korsak's face was unreadable in that moment but his eyes told that he wanted to have thirty minutes alone in a room with Taylor O'Keefe. It's obvious that only one of them would make it out there alive and that would be Vince Korsak.

I heard Nina sigh every now and then and at some point, out of the court, she followed Frankie what I understand.

I, for myself, didn't move, hardly breathed but held that monster's eyes every time he turned his head and smiled at me. I didn't give him the satisfaction to see my broken me. I know that this kind of person fuel themselves by seeing the pain of their victims. For this species it's not enough to be a part of the victim's life, they want to see it, feel it.

At some point, Maura told what she has been through but looked at me like we are the only persons in this room and that I am the one she confides in me and I nod every now and then to encourage her to continue.

O'Keefe's defender tried to tear Maura apart, tried to portray her as the trigger because she's a successful, confident woman who might has been flirting with his mandate at some banquet, something she can't recall now, saying that it might be possible or not.

I am beyond impressed because Maura stood her ground and told the defender that she might meet him at a symposium and that they might exchanged a couple of words but that there was no reason for him to think that they'd be more than two people at the same place at the same time. And I am beyond impressed when she finally looked at O'Keefe and said that he's no one she normally would remember. That hurt his ego and led to his outburst that he'll be a part of her life once and for all, every time she'd visit our baby's grave.

I stay seated and ball my hands into fists. I can feel Korsak's and my mother's eyes on me but I keep my eyes on Maura and she stares at me, we both know that what he just said is true but neither of us show it to him while O'Keefe's is having his fit and while his lawyer is trying to talk his client off the ledge.

I swallow down my anger and don't blink to show my fiancée that I am capable to keep myself under control although right now I am wishing for my gun so I can put a bullet into O'Keefe's head.

Judge Harriette Ramsey decides that it's best to adjourn the case and releases all of us for the day. I don't need to think twice and got up to my feet, leaving the courtroom without waiting for my friends and family after O'Keefe is led off. I know that Maura will need a little longer which gives me the chance to take a deep breath and clear my head. At least there is no doubt anymore that O'Keefe will get locked up once and for all, after his outburst and his involuntarily confession in front of the court and all of us get closure, the relatives of his other victims, Maura and me.

I stand with my back to the door and close my eyes. I don't know what I am feeling right now beside a kind of relief. It feels like an extreme heavy burden has been lifted off my chest and as if this is the first time for a while that I really can breathe.

I flinch when I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn to look in the eyes of an older woman that is standing close to a man that is in her age, holding fast onto his forearm. "Detective Rizzoli, is it over? Is this what you've been waiting for," she asks with a shaking but hopeful voice.

I look long at the couple and nod my head with a loud sigh. "Yes, Scaramelli. This is what all of us have been waiting for. It couldn't be better because Taylor O'Keefe confessed in front of judge and jury. He won't see the daylight as a free man ever again."

Mrs. Scaramelli closes her eyes and a loud sigh escapes from her lungs. Her shoulders are sagging and it seems like an even heavier burden than mine has been lifted off them.

"Are you sure about that," her husband asks me and I understand that he's unsure about that. O'Keefe got away more than once and left the court with a cocky smile, but this time he won't, Maura made sure of that.

I nod once more and smile softly at them. "Yes, Sir. I am positive about that. He won't get away this time." I need a second to realize that he has pulled me and is thanking me over and over again for nailing the murderer of his only daughter finally down. Samantha Scaramelli was O'Keefe's second victim and it took the police almost five years to make a connection with him. Her parents had been relentless and sent Korsak weekly a picture of their daughter so he wouldn't forget about her. He didn't and kept the investigation file on his desk until the day he was able to give the murderer of Samantha Scaramelli a face, the face of Taylor O'Keefe. The photos started with Samantha being a baby, then a little, child, a teenager and then her being a young woman. I know that her murder got to Korsak and that he had a copy of her file on his nightstand, literally. I still don't understand why he didn't ask for Frankie's or my help but I guess that is something he'll never tell us why he was with Nina instead with one of us. Don't get me wrong, Nina is an extraordinary detective but not really used to field work. I pat the man's back and lock my eyes with Maura's as she emerged from the courtroom. "You don't have to thank me, Mr. Scaramelli. It was Sargent Korsak and Detective Holiday who solved your daughter's murder, and Dr. Isles."

The couple turn their heads only to glance at Maura. Before she knows it, she finds herself in the arms of Mrs. Scaramelli who is whispering something into her ear that makes Maura close her eyes before she's whispering something back before they bit their goodbyes.

I take a deep breath and walk over to the ME, looking long at her and placing my hand on the small of her back. "You okay?"

Maura takes a deep breath before she nods and hooks her arm with mine. "Yes."

"Ready to go home?"

She smiles at me and I start to lead the way without waiting for her answer.

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I sit at the counter in the Dirty Robber and take a swig from my ice-cold beer, turning my head to the right when I feel the presence of another person. I furrow my brows and smile a little when I look into the face of Nina, she's leaning against the counter and scrutinizes my face for a second.

"Please tell me that Maura and you didn't fight when the two of you came home," she says and I can hear the frustration in her voice.

I scoff and take another sip of the beer. "No, we didn't fight after we got home."

"Why aren't you with Maura and celebrate your victory over Taylor O'Keefe," she asks and sits down on the barstool next to me, ordering a beer for herself.

I take a deep breath and scratch the back of my head. "Maura and my mother are having a girl's night, celebrating O'Keefe's downfall."

"And why are you sitting here on your own and drink instead of being with the two people you love the most?"

I frown and look in the direction of Frankie and Korsak who are discussing something vividly.

Nina follows my eyes and smiles. "Beside these two."

I shrug and turn the corners of my mouth downwards. "I have something else in mind when Maura and I are having a girl's night."

She looks long at me and raises her brows when she's starting to understand, saying with a laugh, "Too much information, Jane."

I join her laughter and empty my bottle. "You asked."

She's still laughing and I order another round for myself. "She knows where you are, right?"

I nod slowly. "Yeah, Maura knows that I am here. Don't worry, Nina."

"But I am after all what you two had been through." She replies and sighs. I nod slowly and she continues after a short moment. "You look worried, Jane."

I huff and furl my brows. "Why should I be worried?"

She shrugs and thanks the barkeeper for the bottle of beer, I do the same. "That maybe Taylor's lawyer could plead insane after the outburst."

"Johnson won't do that." I state and roll the bottle between my hands. "His own psychologist certified that O'Keefe exactly knew what he was doing to his victims like three others. O'Keefe only snapped because he understood that he was no longer in control of Maura and that she was the one who broke his neck by surviving. The jury has seen his true personality and I am more than sure that he will be found guilty."

"So, what are you afraid of?"

"The life after this, after the trail." I admit and take a deep breath. "I mean, we didn't find closure for a long time and Maura suffered a long time after we got her back, and now we're supposed to back to normal?"

"Maura wasn't the only one who suffered a lot, Jane. You did, too, all of us suffered because we couldn't get a hold of Taylor O'Keefe in the first place." Nina says and I frown at her. "But I know what you're talking about even though I haven't experienced the same than you and Maura but I know what it feels like when you lose someone and that you have no idea how to continue with your life after that."

"That's why you left Chicago." I state somberly and she nods.

"Yeah." She says and takes a swig of her beer. "But somehow life goes on, I mean, Maura and you fought, broke up, got together and talked about what was really laying heavily on your heart, what made it impossible for you to be with each other. And in the end, you two got engaged, let's focus on that."

I chuckle and quirk an eyebrow. "Let's focus on the wedding of you and Frankie first." I counter and she drops her chin to her chest with a chuckle. "When are the two of you finally get married?"

"I think it's time for the hard stuff." She laughs and raises a hand to order some booze.


	21. Chapter 21

I stand with Nina's family and share some memories with them. Well, they share memories from her childhood and I those I have of her since she's in Boston. We're not sharing stories because of a sad occasion, we're sharing them because we all are officially one family. Yes, you heard me right, right now I am finally attending the wedding of my brother and Nina, almost a year after Taylor O'Keefe has been found guilty and got locked away for the greater good.

I hold a glass of champagne in my hand and caught my fiancée staring at me every now and then. Not because I am able to really smile again since O'Keefe has been sentenced to life without the possibility of parole but because she probably expected me to be dressed in one of my expensive suits or even in my uniform like some of Nina's and Frankie's friends do, like Korsak. I think that she's staring at me because I decided to wear a dress, black, plain and simple, nothing special but it surprised everyone that I decided on this clothing. Sometimes even I have to show that I am a woman after all, and it's not like that I have to be ashamed of that but it doesn't mean that I can get used to wearing dresses because it already feels like I'm suffocating. I spot Skye standing with Korsak and excuse myself for a moment. Skye has been wonderful ever since she came back into our lives and Maura and I hardly can imagine her being gone for more than a week again, that's we invited her to my mother's Sunday family dinner which she unsuccessfully declined in the beginning but my mother is not a person who's accepting a no when it comes to people she cares about, and Ma cares about Skye because she got to know the girl shortly after we caught the murder of her brother. I know that Skye likes being around my mother and that she has been a great help to Maura when she had one of her bad days, that's why Maura started to work closely with the young woman when it came to cases that involved fires.

Even I rather turn to that smart … woman when it comes to that instead of a blockhead who tells me to back off even though they know that I can trust my gut. Somehow, Skye reminds me of me, can't tell why. I look at Korsak and he tells us that he needs to get a new beer. I take a look at the crowd and take a deep breath. "I really would love to meet the guy that you are dating," I say out of the blue and turn my attention to Skye as soon as I hear a chuckle. I scrutinize her and smirk. "I get it."

She sips her water and takes a deep breath. "You don't judge me?"

I frown and empty my glass. "Who am I to judge you, Skye? I've engaged with a woman myself, I don't turn my back on you because you are gay, too."

She's eyeing me for a second and then she's smiling broadly.

I give her a sideways hug and pat her shoulder before I spot Maura and head straight towards her.

I study her in detail and can say that she's feeling very comfortable right now. She's always been the one who likes to go to weddings. I only go because there are free drinks, or that's what I pretend. The truth is that I am always happy when one of my friends or colleagues tie the knot but I pretend that I am bored because I have to keep up my reputation. I stand close to her and wrap my arm around her middle while she's sipping her champagne. "You okay?"

She looks at me and smiles broadly, the way I haven't seen her smiling for a long time. "I am. You?"

I take a look around and take in all the happy faces and the chattering that normally would bother me after a while but somehow tonight it's different because I know that all of us are here because of a very happy occasion, the wedding of my brother and Nina. I nod slowly and look at the lovebirds, smiling. "I attended my brother's wedding with the most beautiful woman in the world. I couldn't be better."

Maura's smiling once again and kisses my cheek.

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Right after the wedding of Frankie and Nina, Maura and I head back home and had a nightcap before we head up to the bedroom. It was a long day and both of us are beyond exhausted. Neither of us had talked much on our way home, it seemed like either of us had been lost in our thoughts. Actually, it's unusual that we both keep our mouth shut after such an event and not to recap the whole day. And it's unusual for Maura that she doesn't make any comment about the wedding and what she liked or disliked, what we perhaps do differently on our very own wedding that is still coming up. I snort at that thought and am grateful that Maura's in the en-suite bathroom, doing her nightly routine, otherwise she'd probably ask me why I was snorting and I really don't want to answer that question right now because thinking of our own wedding right after Frankie's seems a little selfish.

I wonder if it's true that you're feeling different as soon as you slip the wedding ring onto the person's finger you've promised to spend the rest of your life with, that's why I took my little, newlywed brother to the side as soon as he had a little time and asked Frankie if he'd really different already. Of course, he shrugged my question off and said that he didn't get a chance to even realize that he's a married man by now and that I shall ask him once again when we'd see again.

He's such an idiot sometimes because the next time we'll see each other is in four weeks when they're coming back from their honeymoon. Nina and Frankie had applied for a two weeks leave but we all agreed that four weeks wouldn't be enough for a once in a lifetime trip, so I transferred one week of my vacation days to Frankie and Korsak did the same with Nina. It was a kind of wedding gift we were giving to them. Don't worry, it wasn't all we were giving the happy couple, even Maura thought in a fraction of a second that it would be all from us and told us that we should be ashamed of ourselves for our lack of originality until I calmed her down and told her that Korsak and I thought that only two weeks could never be enough for a honeymoon and that we've been thinking of something else to add to the vacation days, that's how she came up with the idea to co-finance a trip through Italy. Korsak, Ma and I had been skeptical about in the first place because a four weeks trip would rip a big hole in our wallets but then we got roped into it because Korsak and I actually are trite.

Ma was the one who told Nina not to worry about the honeymoon and I'm sure that she nearly gave our surprise away.

However, Frankie's and Nina's face had been priceless when we presented them our gifts and Frankie nearly squeezed all of us to death right after he had seen what we got them. I think that's something he got from our mother.

The sound of Maura coming out of the bathroom pulls me from my train of thought and my eyes are finding hers. I swear to God, even after she's turn eighty she'll be able to take my breath away.

She's tilting her head to the side and smiles at me. "What?"

A frown is finding its way onto my forehead because that's not exactly the reaction I was expecting but chuckle, throwing the sheets on her side of the bed back. "Do I need a reason to admire you?"

She smiles broadly at me and shrugs her silky dressing gown off, placing it neatly on a chair and then getting into bed. "No, but there's always a reason why you're looking at me like that."

I turn on my left side and study her face without touching her. "I just -" I stop and tug a strand of hair behind her ear. "I just can't tell you how much I love you, Maura, and how grateful I am to have you in my life, especially after all we've been through."

Maura's closing her eyes and leans into my touch as soon as I cup her cheek. "I'm happy that I still have you, too, Jane. After all, we've been through."

I wait until she opens her eyes again and sigh. "You should know that you won't get rid that easily. And both of us acted childishly."

"But we got through anyway."

I nod my approval and smile broadly. "But we got through it and we are here today, witnessing Nina marrying my brother which is flurrying."

Maura furls her brows and she asks, "Why?"

I'm blinking a couple of times and answer in a hushed voice, "Because she got married to my brother. Perhaps we should let her mental state check."

She chuckles and gives me a peck. "Nina doesn't have any mental issues just because she loves your brother, Jane."

"You sure?"

"Yes," she scoffs.

I groan and skid closer to her. "The wedding was nice, though."

She's taking a deep breath and nods. "It was beautiful although I was concerned that Frankie would pass out when the priest asked him if he wants to take Nina as his wife."

"That was fun," I chuckle, remembering that my brother needed some seconds too long until he answered that he does. It seemed like he had to reconsider his answer before that. Everyone has been holding their breath and released it in unison the moment Frankie gave his positive answer.

Maura's rolling her eyes but smiles, knowing that I'll pull his chain for that for the rest of his life. "Don't be mean, Jane."

I can't hold back my laughter. "It was funny, Maura, wasn't it? I mean, even my mother was about to faint when Frankie was hesitating. Two for one price." I wince the moment she slaps my shoulder lightly and then I say all of a sudden, "You know, we should run off and get married in Las Vegas." I don't know where this is coming from but my words let her smile die down immediately. I frown and shrug. "I mean, Ma got the wedding in a church. That's what she was dreaming about. She wouldn't mind us being a little spontaneous."

"Oh, and if she would, Jane," she replies and frowns too. "I would."

I scrutinize her face for a moment and start to grin. "You're secretly planning our wedding, aren't you?"

She rolls her eyes and turns on her back. "I just don't want to get married by a cheap Elvis copy and I don't want to get married without our family and friends."

"You are secretly planning our wedding. "I laugh and her blush is giving Maura away. "Hey, it's not a bad thing to plan such a life-changing event or even to look into bridal catalogs -" I pause and frown before I continue. "As long as you don't go crazy about it!"

She turns her head and takes a deep breath. "I just ... I didn't want you to think that I am crazy because I actually started to fantasize about our wedding the moment you proposed to me. I mean, neither of us knows if it actually will take place after all we've been through."

I furl my brows and prop myself up on my elbow. "Are you planning to break up with me again?"

"You were the one who broke up the last time."

"Yeah, but do you wanna call it quits now?"

She looks long at me and shakes her head. "No. No, I don't want to, Jane. Are you?"

"Absolutely not," I reply without hesitation and she's releasing her breath. I look long at her and notice that she looks tired. Not only because it has been a long day today but also because the last months and years had been debilitating for all of us and it seems like that all of it has dropped off with O'Keefe been found guilty. I heave a sigh and don't even try to hide it before I caress her cheek with my thumb. "We can talk about that tomorrow," I say and she nods, holding my gaze. "Let's get some rest."

"Yes," Maura's whispering and kisses me gently before she turns her back to me.

I don't hesitate and wrap my arm around her middle, pulling her closer against me and kissing the crook of her neck. "I love you."

Maura turns her head a little so I know that she's smiling. "I love you too."

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 **Hey, guys. Sorry for my long absence once again, but as you know life sometimes can get in the way.**

 **Anyway, this story is coming to an end, a little Epilogue will follow and this time I hope that it won't take that long, I also hope that I can post it during this week.**

 **I hope you'll enjoy this chapter and I'd love to hear what you're thinking of it.**

 **Enjoy,**

 **T73.**


	22. Epilogue

I literally race through the lightly trafficked streets of Boston, the blue light and siren of my unmarked care are switched on so that I can get through lightly.

My heart is pounding and my hands are sweating. If I didn't know better I'd think that this is my very first car chase and that I'm afraid to endanger other road users, but I know better. This is a race against time, and if I'm late ... I don't want to think about it. I just know I could never forgive myself.

Korsak, Frankie and I were about to discuss a case in detail when I got a call from my mother. As soon as I hung up, I grabbed my keys and ran out of the bullpen without putting the two men further into the picture. I just stammered that I had to leave immediately. When I was running out of the bullpen I heard them shouting that I should wait and what was actually going on. I didn't waste time answering their questions.

I'm pretty sure that Ma would give Frankie a call and would put him in the picture, too.

I don't know what I am more right now, scared or excited. I've only had this kind of feeling twice in my life and once it had turned into sheer despair.

I better don't think about this time now, we left it behind and survived it almost unscathed, at least that's what I keep telling myself.

Now is not the time to think about the past that can no longer be undone, now is the time to look forward and focus on the future.

Don't get me wrong, it doesn't mean I'm forgetting the past, I could never, but tonight is the night Maura and I can start all over again.

I should probably stop thinking about everything and concentrate on traffic before I cause an accident and am taken to the hospital under bad circumstances. I don't think my family could ever forgive me that.

I have the feeling that it takes me an eternity to finally arrive at the hospital and that all drivers are slowing down because it seems to be fun to block a police car.

Î honk every few seconds as a reaction I see brake lights flare up. I curse under my breath and pass them without a second thought.

I hit the breaks when I realize that I'm about to drive past the hospital and the other drivers honk like crazy, which I can understand. I swear to God, it was a bad idea to drive on my own. I'm surprised I made it here in one piece.

I feel like I'm floating through the hospital corridor. Immediately the memory germinates in me again when we freed Maura from the clutches of Taylor O'Keefe and panic me by the throat, tightening its grip, but I know that Maura's fine, well, as fine as she can be under these circumstances, besides my mother is probably hovering her.

I reach my destination and see my mother as well as Hope standing in front of the room that's supposed to be Maura's, both women look beyond worried and my panic gets bigger.

I literally run towards them and before I can take a deep breath I ask, "What's wrong? Why aren't you with Maura? Is something wrong?" I look into their puzzled faces and I wonder even more why they had the time to get coffee from the cafeteria instead of being at my wife's side supporting her until I arrive. The feeling of panic is replaced by boiling anger.

Before I get the chance to rumble, my mother puts a hand on my arm and says with a smile, "Jane, calm down, Maura's fine."

My shoulders sack and I look at a smiling Hope. Unfortunately, Constance wasn't able to fly in from Europe so spontaneously.

Somehow Hope's smile has something soothing and my pulse calms down a little. I furrow my brows and realize that Ma tried to call me about seven hours ago and sent me countless messages saying that I should get my ass to the hospital. Unfortunately, I was in the middle of an interrogation at that time and I didn't have my phone with me. That's why I start to stammer, "I was ... I ... I was in an interrogation ... I ... Is Maura really okay?"

I hear Ma groan and she turns me to the room. "Just get in there, Jane."

"I -"

"Don't you dare saying that you can't go in there." She says warningly and I hear Hope snicker. "You've done this to Maura."

"Actually -" I try to protest.

"Get in there," Ma says and pushes me towards the door.

I stumble forward and stare at it and take a deep breath before I open it. I don't know what I was expecting. Probably a wheezing and screaming Maura, cursing God and the world, especially because I wasn't at her side all the time while she was pushing herself through this. But to be fair, she was the one who insisted this morning that I'll go to work even though she felt uncomfortable.

I stick my head into the hospital room and I don't hear wheezing or screaming or cursing. All I see is an exhausted Maura and I swallow hard. "I'm sorry I'm late but -"

"Sshh," she cuts me off with a tired but wide smile and I immediately shut up with a frown.

Only now I notice that she's holding a small bundle in her arms and my heart drops.

Is it possible that I missed one of the most important moments in our lives because of my damn work? I step a little closer and try to ask, "Is that -"

"Yes," she says when I trail off and her smile is indescribable as I stand by her bed. I hardly breathe as I look down at the little creature in her arms. "Oh," I breathe.

I have two younger brothers, but when they joined the family I was much too young to understand why everyone was so excited about it. I rather saw them like intruders than new family members.

Today it's different, I am afraid that there are so many things that Maura and I could do wrong but that feeling is pushed to the side by the joy that I can't describe with words.

I study the delicate features of our newborn daughter's face and touch a tiny little finger. I hardly keep my grin in check when she opens hazel eyes and is yawning almost monstrously. "Hi," I whisper and my chest's bursting with pride and new love. "Hi, baby." I can't believe I missed our daughter's birth and look apologizing at Maura. "I'm sorry I wasn't here."

Maura sees that I mean it and shakes her head. "Do you wanna hold her?"

"You sure?"

Maura rolls her eyes and hands me our still nameless daughter.

I take the bundle into my arms and start to rock her because she starts whining as soon as she is separated from her mother. She has an olive complexion, wavy black hair just like mine, and hazel eyes like Maura's. I smile like a Cheshire cat but frown. "What shall we call you?"

"I like the name Viola, Maura says and I glance at her.

Who am I do deny Maura's wish but I look at the girl and ask anyway. "Are you a Viola?"

She looks at me with those big hazel eyes her mother has and my heart skips a beat. "Viola it is."

I look long at Maura and say softly before I kiss her gently. "You did great, Maura. I love you so much."

She smiles broadly at me what makes me kiss her once more. "I love you too."

I sit down on the edge of her bed but can't keep my eyes off our daughter. "You are **our** light in darkness, little girl."

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 **So, that's it. That's the end of the story and I hope that you've enjoyed the ride. I hate that it ended but it had to.**

 **Thanks for all the wonderful thoughts and that you stayed with this story. I can't thank you enough.**

 **Thank you, thank you, thank you.**

 **With all my love,**

 **T73**


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